After trying to commit suicide, the university gave me a year off - told me to get my grades up and that they weren't expecting me to return. I spent that next year just struggling. I couldn't talk to my family. They were still disappointed in my choice of trying to "end it" and how I was solving my problems that they didn't want to hear what was really going on in my inside. They wanted to dust everything under the rug and pretend "it" never happened. They wanted that little black box to be discarded. The problem was...my life was in that little black box.
I continued having my nightmares and couldn't sleep. I was so overwhelmed with fighting to save my very life. No, it wasn't cancer, it wasn't an illness...it was my past that haunted me all the time.
Here's another poem that I wrote during this time time period.
Fight to Survive
The sun comes down
that day ends
night falls...
for me it's just a beginning
I have to fight...
fight to survive!
The life box opens
feelings crawl out
I have to fight those feelings
fight to survive!
Don't let it haunt me
push'em away
dodging bullets--
leaving lifelong scars behind
fears tormenting my inside
trust falls back once again
I have to fight
fight to survive!
Close the box
leave it alone
bury it deep
deep inside
can't fight anymore
can't fight to survive...
4-6-94
When I tried to kill myself I was doing it to rid my family of their troubles...trying to give them relief for the extra time they had to spend on me. They got mad at me and accused me of being selfish. I wasn't trying to be selfish I was trying to give them freedom from their troubles. I have always been their trouble. And like your family my family wanted no one to know about this and that my depression was something they knew (from their perspective)was just another way to get attention. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was depressed because nothing I ever did made them proud of me.
ReplyDelete