Stages of Abuse

For those not already aware, I am working through a book study titled "The Wounded Heart". It's a biblical study that works through childhood sexual abuse for adults. Specifically, it says "hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse". The hope tells me that at some point in time, things are suppose to get better, however, I feel like that time will never reach me.

Before looking at the stages of abuse...there's 2 things that are evident in a home of a person who was/being abused -  1) the first, "is a sense of being enjoyed for who one is rather than for what one does", and 2) "is a respect for one's being that permits the opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other members of the family."  Then there's "Soul deadness" - a heart dulled to its own pain. Later on, I read about survival. "Survival requires fitting in, and to fit in means to live a life of torment. The experience of being profoundly used and let down by someone we trusted and relied on sears the hope that relationship can be purely enjoyed." Man, these last two statements just hit me like a rock! I feel like with the "soul deadness" - that just portrays me each day...there are days I swear, I am barely functional - for no rhyme or reason. I am just merely breathing. "Fitting in"? I constantly question myself as to where I belong. I have people who care about me, those who help me, etc. Yet, when there's other things going on or I "feel" left out, I question and make it a big deal - when I really shouldn't. Our neighbors help each other out. There's not one thing that I think that none of us wouldn't do for the other when it came right down to it. If it's within someone's means or range, we would take care of each other. Yet, I sometimes think that they can see right through me and see my secrets. Or, although they are joking around, sometimes comments said hit me hard...even though it's just guys being guys. Its uncomfortable. I know if I just say something they would stop. However, I don't want to ruin the "fun" everyone is having.

Stage 1: Development of Intimacy and Trust
It's the offer of relationship, intimacy, special privilege, and rewards. It can be viewed as the offer of water to a person dying of thirst. 


I think back in this stage to when I was about 12. Some of the special privileges I got was the mere fact, I was older. My next sibling from me was 7 or 8. So, there was only the four of us close in age; I was the only girl in that group. Two uncles above me, and 1 that was the same age as I. The oldest one was old enough to be driving, so that was a "big deal" at the time. The guys rode motorcycles and had a truck as well. So, to get away from my 6 siblings was a big treat at the time. I always got to ride along to the store to get cigarettes or something to drink. Of course, I sat right up front with everyone. I was a pretty cute kid at the time, skinny, blonde hair, blue eyes, and somewhat "tall" at the time...I also wasn't a "girly girl" either. I was fine with swimming in the lakes and walking through the woods with the best of them. As we got older, we were in school together, middle school/high school. We had the same friend groups as each older and hung out together quite a bit. For the longest time, you would think it was more of a sister/brother relationship - which I was commonly referred to as "lil sis" by the two oldest ones. It was never an uncle/niece relationship - ever. I worked with one of them for a few years. If we were just chilling out at home, we would all lay down on the couch or the floor and watch movies together. There was always some casual touching - feet playing, coincidently touched in the chest...what have you. I didn't think much of it at the times it would happen. Sometimes it would go further than just a quick touch. Those were times I would freeze up and just go numb and "check out". In my reading, someone describes this stage as the "glory days" - in some aspects, I can see it being described that way - because there were great times had by us...and then there are days - it would be nothing remotely close as describing as a "glorious day" in my life - it was mere torture!

Stage 2: Physical Contact that Appears Appropriate
beginning of physical and sensual bonding


Reading through this stage, it starts off by talking about how sexual and sensual are different from each other. Someone can get/give a hug and although it is an act of physical touch, it is not a sexual arousal - nor should it be. Hugs are safe for me -- most of the time. There were times that we would be on a long motorcycle ride (which I loved) and sometimes his hand would wander to the back of the bike and touch my legs or inner thigh area. I would get very scared and nervous, not to mention, there was not much I could do just because of the fact that we were on a bike and any sudden movement or jerk by the driver or rider could cause the bike to fall over. I experienced the same contact while we would be swimming in a lake, mostly because in lake water you can't tell what the other person is doing because the water is not as clear as pool water. As we got older, I sometimes used to see the one just above me in age, more of a "boyfriend" maybe that's where I got myself into trouble. He was a decent looking guy, he was polite with me. We were always together. We were always doing something. I let him start, his brother was already way ahead of him in that department. I am not sure if one knew about the other messing with me. We would stay up late at night and just talk. I could talk about my family "sucking" - I could talk about school, or a boyfriend or just whatever. I can see now the relationship that developed because of our closeness.

Stage 3: Sexual Abuse Proper
Sexual abuse occurs in a context of emptiness, confusion, and loneliness, a context that sets up the victim for a baffling interplay of betrayal, ambivalence, and powerlessness as the adult moves the victim from one stage of abuse to the next. Sexual abuse is the final blow that sabotages the soul in a climatic betrayal, mocking the enjoyment of relationship and pouring contempt on the thrill of passion. The nature of the relationship, especially degree of closeness (father vs. neighbor, brother vs sister), and degree of prior intimacy play a part in the extent of the damage. There are different levels of severity that intensify the damage of abuse. The tragedy of abuse is that the enjoyment of one's body becomes the basis of a hatred of one's soul. 


The last statement alone just intensifies how I feel right now. I can't enjoy being with my husband. I don't enjoy being with my husband. I have to make myself partake in any physical contact with him. Even if he just wants to hold hands, I automatically assume he wants more, even if he doesn't. That hurts him, and it just kills me, because I can't provide for him whatsoever. I feel like this marriage will never be fully consumated. This just angers me thinking about it.

These guys, my uncles, my friends - they took everything from me. They don't even have a clue how much I feel like I have lost out on because of it. And my family, they just don't get it altogether. How you can feel terror and arousal at the same time is beyond me. There were times it felt good. There were good feelings - WHY!?! They shouldn't have been touching me at any point! There were times I would pretend to be asleep, it didn't matter, they still tried. Then, the final blow came while I was still in high school. Going to a party with one of them - it was a weekend party - we had been drinking and partying since Friday. It was Saturday night, and for some reason we left the party - I think to get cigarettes or something, at least that was how I was told to go to the car. I don't even think we made it to a store. Instead, he parked that car underneath the Troost bridge behind a restaurant. I remember it being very dark. We started out by talking...and before I knew it, he wanted me to take my pants off. Eventually he was on top of me trying to force himself in. I was in such pure shock and terror trying to get him off me. He eventually got off me, but he wanted me to give him oral sex. It was the only time I felt threatened. I wasn't sure he would do had I not. Eventually, we went back to the party and then back home. I couldn't talk to him or look at him for weeks. I had blocked out that event until just a few months back. I never told a soul. I couldn't. I didn't know how, and thought I was to blame. He was drunk and I don't think he ever understood what he did to me that night to this day.

My stomach is hurting.

Stage 4: Threats and Privileges
The final stage of abuse is in many ways similar to the first stage: the development of intimacy and secrecy. Unlike the first stage, however, the glory days are gone forever. The abuser will use whatever leverage he or she can to instill loyalty and fear in the heart of the victim to ensure silence and compliance. 


I had my friends - "our" friends - I couldn't tell a soul. I thought he was the "leader" in this pack. For some reason, they always came to him, or so I thought. I thought, if I said something to someone, no one would believe me. They would excuse it because he was so drunk and just blow it off. Or treat it like my family did, just ignore it happened. I thought I would lose my friends. I don't remember him or his brother threatening me specifically, except for the time above that I just felt threatened by him. I had blocked out so much of the "worse" incident, that once again, we were hanging out with our friends, doing things at the house...etc., just like "old times". However, what I remember is that it destroyed my relationships with guys. Deep down, I couldn't do anything with any male...no matter how hard I tried.

To end this, a statement in the reading stood out to me - "Sexual abuse is the final blow that sabotages the soul in a climatic betrayal, mocking the enjoyment of relationship and pouring contempt on the thrill of passion"

An Escape from Reality....and the rude awakening that followed

I felt so succumbed to "life" this week, that I need an escape from reality. Albeit, not my best choices for escaping, but I couldn't handle it any longer; or so I thought. Of course, my decisions lead me to not feel so well...and guess what? Reality and life were still here when I returned. 

The drink tasted good and I wanted more, so I continued until the early morning before falling asleep on a friend's couch. I can't deny the fact that I enjoyed myself the entire evening. I was able to relax and just let go. I wish it were that easy when I am sober. However, it feels like I need that "courage" to relax myself. Maybe that's why I continue to return to it? 

This morning came mighty early. Earlier in the week I had made a commitment that I would be in Sunday morning's service. I needed to keep that commitment, there was a little "voice" that kept pestering me about it. I needed to go. Not on time, but I did make it to service. 

First up...COMMUNION. Have you ever felt where you just didn't flat out deserve something? This is totally how I felt when I realized it was communion Sunday. There are many things that we don't deserve when it comes to God. Yet, by His grace, it is given. Pastor kept talking about coming before God and bringing everything you have to Him. Not to mention, drinking until after 2, communion was not something I am sure my stomach was ready for. I decided to go forward and accept communion. I wanted to have the "blood" and "body" of Christ inside of me, not the feelings that I had inside of me. 

Next up....THE MESSAGE. Have you ever sat in a lecture hall, or meeting, or just felt someone just staring right at you when they were talking? Oh my, I felt like the message was directed right at me specifically. The Lord may as well have hit me directly with a 2 X 4 wooden board. The message was on friendship. "Value of Friends - Friends & Enemies and how to tell the difference". He started off by talking about a quote from Charles Swindoll. I copied only part of it, but it stood out to me considering the circumstances...

"...the bar flourishes not because most people are alcoholics, but because God has put into the human heart the desire to know and to be known, to love and the be loved, and so many seek a counterfeit at the price of a few beers..." 

As I stated earlier, I did enjoy myself. I was surrounded by friends, people whom I care about and whom I truly believe care about me. But people meet others in all types of places throughout their lives. When you get together with someone, many people will ask "where you met at". As the message continued, Pastor continued to give what he felt are important characteristics of a "true friend"

1. Real friends help us when we are down. - Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity" In other words, a real friend is with us at all times, not just when it's convenient for them. They come when we call, regardless. I had "this very friend" offer to come and get me at 3:00 AM, not realizing I was with a safe driver. There were no strings attached, no questions asked, etc. I declined it at the time, but I made them aware that they were a true friend to me this morning. 

2. Real friends are a source of comfort in an uncomfortable world. - Ecclesiastes 4:11 "Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?" Although this verse is typically meant for those who are married, it can have other application. Pastor talked about encouraging each other in a time of need. He questioned us "Who's been lifting me up?" Once again, the friend mentioned above has encouraged me recently when I didn't hear things the way I wanted to. Encourages me when I am having a tough day at work, etc. Although "we" don't lie down together, I know I can trust that this friend will work side by side with me pushing me to do my best. 

3. Real friends have your back. - Ecclesiastes 4:12 "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" I believe this is where we talked about gossip. real friends don't gossip. I stop to think about the above mentioned "friend". He doesn't gossip. He walks away from the drama. That in it of itself shows me a lot. He doesn't want any part of it. Because we have similar work goals, we try to stick together in a lot of work situations. 

4. Real friends are committed to our spiritual growth. -  Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" I stop to think of my friends who contribute to my spiritual growth. I have several; however, they are not close in distance. I have many that encourage me. I am really not sure where I stand at with this area. This was a "safe" area when I was in college. It was "safe" when I was a on a mission trip. However, I don't have that same circle of friends now. Maybe things would be different?!?!

So, although I am extremely exhausted and feel absolutely nauseous from the alcohol...I am back in reality. I still have bills to pay, I still have limited finances and less than we had anticipated from some earlier work. I know I have people who care about me and that I needed to hear that message this morning, even I wasn't completely sober. 

A Constant Battle

The last few months I feel like I am constantly battling me, myself and I. There's so much that battles inside of me all the time. It's hard to stay focused and hard to stay positive. Outside of finances and work, the biggest battle lies within my own marriage. I was married ten years ago this past May. I feel like I am in a roommate situation, not a marriage. I blame a lot of it on me. I really struggle with this entire relationship. My best friend wrote a poem in our wedding card and I recently came across the card and the prayer he wrote on the back side of the card.

"The Marriage Song"

Two spirits come together

Two flesh become one

Two lives circle one another

God said it would be done

Two hearts that need one another

Two minds that work as one

Two bodies then brings another

God said it could be done

And then we set our passions up

And build the dreams that bind our way

With every turn in life we'll learn

That Jesus guides our way

Two faiths that lead one another

Two wills that yield

Two hopes that build one another

God as our strength and shield

Two friends that help one another

Two believers who pray

Two lovers that love one another

And God will direct our way

And we offer up our union to the building

of our faith to the sharing of our faith

in Jesus Christ, and to Glorify our King

For in this marriage of two believers

will take three to bind our way

LER

As I read through this poem, I realize I have never become one with my husband and struggle to do so. Not only physically one, but emotionally as one. I have felt myself pulling further away from this relationship. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be held. Yet, he's not an abusive man, he's not mean to me...nothing. I find myself closer to the edge of our bed. I snuggle tightly with my teddy bear, instead of him. I flinch when he touches me and feel horrible on the inside. I cringe and want to crawl into a shell and just cry. I don't understand. I don't want him touching me. 

I am constantly arguing and fighting with him. The more I think about it, I blame myself. I get agitated at small stuff and bicker about it. I blame him for our finances. I think he's more responsible for our situation, even though we both have a share in our finances. I think are things that I deserve. I was upset on mother's day, because I have helped provide for his daughter through the last 11 years, yet, when it comes to Mother's Day; it goes by the wayside and "nothing". Anniversaries and birthdays come and go, and nothing special. This last year was our 10th - we did nothing, once again. However, I hear about the really neat things that some of my friends and their spouses and some of the special things that they are doing for their anniversaries. It's frustrating. 

I watch relationships of some of my friends and just watch how they react and respond to one another. The love they show towards one another. The laughter, the fun they have...why can't I allow myself to have the same?!?! I often wonder, maybe I am not wanting this from him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be....ever. I struggle sharing this with him, I don't want to hurt him. I realize I already do hurt him. I am not trying to. 

I am asking for prayers. 

* That I can enjoy my marriage and find happiness with the way God intended

* to enjoy "snuggling" with my husband, to feel okay when he is caressing me

* to overlook the negative and enjoy time spent with my husband

* to focus on a strong, bonding marriage

* to allow me to love myself