Life has once again been a roller coaster and we are working on the upside-down curves...and I don't like it one bit. I am frustrated beyond belief and struggle with talking about it because I have to "keep" my feelings positive when I am at work, when I talk about being frustrated at home - I get Gene frustrated with it and he keeps saying "he'll take care of it" - part of me blames him for some of our current struggles and it's hard to think he is going to make it all better right now...and that's not a positive thing to say about my husband of almost 10 years. So...I just keep it all bottled inside and sadly, feel like blowing at any moment.
After moving around the US for almost 2 years, Gene lost that very same job in December. It's frustrating that we trusted these people and took a risk leaving his family behind, his daughter, my job, etc. He made good money for his time and work. Apparently, he wasn't very "aggressive" in his work anymore and they decided to let him go, without any notice. One month's severance pay and what he had accrued in his retirement and 3 months later - he is still without a job. He had one side job that paid for some of the bills and he's working on looking for additional work.
I didn't get the management position I was vying for and was asked to work on a few things and reapply. It was disheartening to say the least. I really thought I had this job in my reach, as well as many others around me. I was stoked! I really thought I had it. Even though he had no job, we could squeak by on management pay. It would at least be consistent. Right now I am working as an hourly most days and a few serving shifts to balance it all out. It's not enough to cover half of the bills...and I am not sure what else we can do. We lost our truck a few weeks back since we couldn't pay for it. I am afraid we won't have rent for April and we have a "tight-ship" for a rental management company. There is no grace period whatsoever. After scraping rent for last month - we had to come up with an additional $70 for the late fees.
Since we can't claim Sara and Corey - my "income" would technically support Gene and I as far as any services go in the area. So, that is not an option. My family doesn't have ANY money to lend us and his family is already tight with two college tuitions and caring for Gene's parents, there's not much left either. I haven't found any money tree seeds yet either - if you find them, let me know. So, it's eeking by until I find out otherwise.
I am so frustrated with this. I am angry with myself for not making better choices. I am embarrassed about the entire situation. What do I do?!?!?! I can't cut a break to save my life. Just before Gene lost his job, I made a decision to work on some things from my past that are blocking me from moving on into my future. It required a counselor to work on some of those issues. From the doctor's diagnosis, I also started medication that would allow me to sleep and to lower my anxiety levels with everything. It was actually helping me focus better and get some desperately needed sleep too. Unfortunately, without the extra income and no longer having insurance - I am not able to currently access those services right now. Even with insurance, the counselor had already placed me on the sliding scale fee, because it was cheaper than my co-pay (go figure) - even still, it's considered a "luxury" in my eyes next to my bills. So, I am also trying to figure out to still work on those issues and function.....*sigh* I work my butt off - to get what?? It's frustrating to watch these "younger kids" I work with just do whatever, collect HUGE income tax refunds because of their kids, run out to the boats - blow $$, and collect AFDC benefits because they're a single parent and don't make quite enough to support everyone in the house. I don't understand......argh!
Well, enough ranting for now.....I am probably talking to myself anyway.
I'm listening.
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