Losing Control

The past month has felt like a madhouse. I am not even sure what direction to turn. I have kept most of it bottled inside because of my position at work - working at being a professional and being consistent with it. I have people around me who seem to "have it altogether" and it's frustrating. I know that people are not perfect by any means, but at the same time - it sure seems like it.

I took on my new position at work and have many things to "fix" because it's now evident in areas that we weren't doing it correctly. So, now I have to step it up and enforce things and I feel like the "bad guy" - even though, I know in the end - we'll have the best results because of these changes. But, it's a tough position, but a good challenging one. I like the challenges, but sometimes feel like I am losing control.

Another area of feeling a loss of control has been my past and getting past this "one" area in my life. We have a crew member who works for us during the summer, who also has the same name as one of my uncles who abused me...I cringe every time I call his name and even when I have to write it out...and he's a great kid! That's how I know how this is the final step in getting past the past - this is the area that has the hold on me. But why? It's taken away so many things from me, some of the biggest areas - intimacy and being a true parent to someone that belongs to me. Today's verse was about "the Lord hears the desires of our heart..." - so, if I believe this, are these just not "true desires" of my heart? I have begun questioning myself on this...

This other area encompasses a few things - mostly our finances. We make good money for the average family...however, not entirely smart with it. My husband started his own business several years ago, unfortunately without good advice as to how to start it and run it correctly on the financial side of things. Because of this, taxes got behind, etc. Now, we're in a crazy situation with a substantial amount of debt, debt that some people find themselves in with credit cards, etc. No, we're in debt with the government, probably until I am dead. Because I have the "regular" job, they came after my check first (from the state of Missouri) - and started taking wages back in June. I have 180 days before they will stop that. After a few weeks, I have just gotten used to what they were taking. A new budget if you will. About two weeks ago, I had a personal visit from the IRS agent from the federal level. She talked with me about some papers she needed, etc. I gathered the papers, but wasn't able to get them to the offices in time. I delivered them the next day - unbeknownst to me, I was unaware that she would proceed with the next step, the very next morning. I was so upset and frustrated over it. They were due on Monday, I delivered on Tuesday morning first thing - (mind you, she was out of the office from Tues-this past Tues) - however, she left paperwork in place if we hadn't shown up on Monday. By Wednesday, she had levied my husband's check (which was for rent), and by Friday, apparently paperwork was sent to our bank to levy our bank accounts, including our "child's account" by Tuesday of this week, the levy went through (without us aware) - mind you, I blew up her business phone for three days straight trying to make contact, there's no one else to answer phones, the phone system there is so jacked! I literally cried in tears all the way home last night...I was so beside myself - that someone running in to me or me just putting my car into a wall barrier was one of many thoughts that crossed my mind last night. Not sure why I never went through it...but I didn't, but the thoughts just engulfed my mind constantly. I came home and just cried myself to sleep. This morning, my fears were confirmed, indeed it was a levy on my bank account. I couldn't do anything about my paycheck that is direct deposited on Friday (although, they are already taking 25% of that) and what was left was going to be snagged. In my eyes, I had nothing...I had bills to pay, and no means of paying them. I don't have family to turn to with these fears. It's not an option.

In my eyes, my only option was to just die.

I haven't been in that place in my life in a long time.

Someone asked me why I just don't "divorce" my husband - because it's his doing and he should have known better, etc. Granted he should have known, although I had question it on a few occasions, nothing was ever done about it. I am ANGRY with him, VERY ANGRY - but what can I do? To me, it's not grounds for divorce...I should have put my foot down a long time with this stuff.

I am angry with God, I am angry with him because I feel like he should have given me a stronger husband. Someone who was strong with their finances (I was never shown, as my family cheated every welfare, government agency, or anything with money my entire life) - someone who didn't have debt coming into our marriage (my only regret, not fixing debt before we were married, it would honestly be the 1st thing I would have changed) - I have a few friends who are married who have awesome spouses - doing something special on anniversaries, birthdays and "just because" - spouses who are great with their money, Godly, strong men...I have had a few close friends who've made comments that my husband and I are more "roommates" than a married couple - that we are so far apart, you wouldn't realize that we are married. I think sometimes he is right. I don't know how to fix it, I don't know if it can be fixed.

Acceptance and Prayer

WOW - what a week (or two) it's been! My mind has been on overload! Lots of thinking during my runs, while I am trying to sleep, and even while at work (although, I have other things to focus on while there). Our pastor has been working us through the study of Job the last few months. Sadly, with my work schedule, I have hit the messages only a few times; but as well know, we always seem to be at the "message" right when we need to be. Imagine that?

The earliest notes that I have from those "messages" was from November 27, 2011. It was the first Sunday during Advent this past holiday season.

Romans 8:26-27 In the same way, the Spirit helps [me] in [my] weakness. [I] do not know what [I] ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for [me] with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches [my] heart knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the Saints in accordance with God's will. 


The message was about "Hope" and "Surrender" - two words that probably are just as much opposites as they go hand in hand with each other. In order to have "Hope" we have to surrender it all up to Him, and have faith that He will take care of it. An immediate verse comes to mind, Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. But this verse continues on in verses 12-14...something I have not noticed before...Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you. Declares the Lord, and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile. Hope is God given! Hope is something we all have from the time we are little. Which little girl hasn't hoped for Prince Charming to come and take you away on his white horse and give you the fairy tale life? When boys are little, most hope to become a hero - a firefighter, a police man, or the coolest wrestler --- but at some point in our lives, the innocence is taken - and their hopes disappear. Why do we allow people to take away our hopes?

As the "message" continues through the season...I have learned that long term suffering can mess with your mind...and boy does it. But, I have also learned that there are some solutions....

1) Stick with the Word of God
2) Stay in fellowship with other believers
3) Find someone to pray with - one that will w/you, for you, etc.
4) Serve others
5) Worship

Sounds easy, doesn't it?

"When you find your way shrouded in darkness, wait for the Lord to give you light in His time, don't try to manufacture it or borrow it from others" - Unknown

I guess that phrase above reminds me not to "reach" so hard to find the answers, but that in His time, things will come to me. Not to overload myself to a point where I want to just "give up" and there's been plenty of those "chicken exits" over the years.

"No soul will ever grow deep in the spiritual life unless God works passively in that soul by means of the Dark Knight" -- St. John of the Cross

WOW! God continues to work inside of me - not by means of shoving and being aggressive. God knows our hearts and also knows when we need the little shove, but isn't like that 24/7. Good thing, because I would probably shove him away. He knows when I need to know something - he releases that information as I am ready for it - so, with Job, it took 43 chapters for him to find the Lord in the purest sense. Job can't find God (Job 23:1-9), but God knows where Job is at (Job 23:10-13), he doesn't understand God (Job 23:13-14), Job is afraid (Job 23:15-16), and of course he trusts in Him and won't quit (Job 23:17). It doesn't matter if we haven't "found" God, He knows where to meet us, all the time.

and now we are in April...the story continues...Job is being prepared to hear from God.

Have you ever Petra's song "Creed"?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UZO1k5cEVA&feature=related

Being a very young Christian (into many "worldly" things - my friend introduced me to the music of Petra)

So, when PL gave the message of the Apostle's Creed on my birthday, it brought me full swing about things of being an early believer.

Apostle's Creed

I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:

And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:

Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:

Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:

 The third day he rose again from the dead:

He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:

From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:

I believe in the Holy Ghost:

I believe in the holy church: the communion of saints:

The forgiveness of sins:

The resurrection of the body:

And the life everlasting. Amen.

I wrote down many thoughts that came to my mind that morning...

those that don't believe in a God - who do they pray to when they are hurting? Who do they ask for things when they are needed? Isn't it harder to not believe? Why do I believe? What makes God real to me? 

Job 32-37 - Elihu speaks, preparing Job to hear from God. I think there's a book named after me - with about 100+ chapters in it, where I am being prepared to hear from God myself :) 

and this brings me to last week's message..."Job's Missing Ingredient" and probably for me the most outspoken and most directed to me. Job was a godly man - he had everything! He had a family, home, job, livestock, and even servants. He feared God and steered away from evil. Then...Satan was allowed to afflict harm to Job, with the Lord's permission, but he could not harm Job himself. The point was that Satan said that Job would basically curse the Lord if everything was taken from him; that it was the only reason Job "loved" God - was because of all he had. 

It is often said that God punishes us for evil, or at least it feels that way - but, truly it is not to be a punishment. These are trials in our lives that brings us closer to Him in the end. It takes 43 chapters for Job to come to that realization. It was that realization that brings me full circle in my own life. 

Despite Job's faith, knowledge and "hearing" God - he now had EYES OF FAITH and SPIRITUAL UNDERSTANDING and could now ACCEPT GOD'S PLAN FOR HIS LIFE! 

So, I have spent the latter part of the year moved away from the continuous journey that I have had the last 28 years - I have journeyed through a huge portion of it, but it goes back to that "long term suffering" that continues to be a hold on my life. I know that I have this last hurdle to jump through (an knowing it's not going to be an easy "jump" - I have avoided it) - but I also know that once I have completed this obstacle, that I will also have those "eyes of faith" and "spiritual understanding" for my life. I have come to terms that I need to accept His plan and move forward. 

* I want more

* I am ready to tell God (A.C.T.S)

* I am ready to open myself up for His response and ready to receive

I am starting a prayer journal again. Hoping to open myself up for His responses. 

Reliving Childhood Memories

I live in a pretty decent subdivision in a small town outside of a large metro area. I live in a nice, relatively clean house. It has a couple of bedrooms, space for everyone. Laundry occasional piles and every now and then a few dishes might pile up - but nothing compared to what I saw the other night, and what it was like when I was younger and the memories that just flooded me shortly afterwards.

We have a neighbor that we have known for a couple of years. He has 2 young "tweens" and a crazy "ex" that lived in that house, as well as a few animals. Due to the crazy "ex" - the house has been frequented by local law enforcement on a regular basis. Nothing had been done until last week, until an unfortunate chain of events took place on our block. My neighbor "M" had a mild stroke on a Sunday morning. After a couple of days, the hospital sent him home. The very next morning he had a severe stroke that caused serious damage to his brain. My neighbors who live directly next to me took in the two kids and are currently taking of them.

My neighbor and I decided that we would help "M" out and help clean his house and make it a better place for when he would return home (at the time we had no idea that his condition would worsen and that coming back home would be an option in his future). We went over around midnight and literally spent the next 6 and 1/2 hours cleaning, or making a dent to the cleaning. There's cluttered, dirty, etc. but we decided that his house was beyond that point. Several bags of trash were taken out. We went through 5 vacuum cleaners (seriously) making the attempt to clean the floors. We never found a wash cloth in the house (which would become something important to know about later).

You may wonder why I am sharing this information...why it is that this was so impacting to me. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I argued with my neighbor "M" about not wanting to fix his situation with the "ex" and keeping harm's way away from his kids. I was so angry with him for not wanting to ensure a safe environment for him and his children. I had to walk away from the situation. I couldn't do anything about it.

Going into his house the other night, flooded me with memories of how we used to live when we were younger. I remember the house just being filthy. Dishes always piled up, laundry everywhere. The few times that our house was cleaned was when we knew Children Services was coming for a visit. I don't think we always lived that way. When I was 7 or 8, my step-dad was arrested for breaking into a house and committing a crime. I remember the cops coming to our door and telling my mom something and then we were taken over to the neighbors. It was two years before she "came" back. We spent the next two years going back and forth to the security of the foster home and to my parent's (mom & step-dad) house. Children's Services worked on transitioning us back to their home. I remember we would have visits at the DFS Center for a couple of hours. Then we moved to visits outside of the center for a period of time on a Saturday afternoon. Then eventually overnights and then weekends. I remember going to the foster family and having to learn many new things. Apparently we must have been very dirty and not "healthy". I remember going to get shots, going to the dentist, shopping for new clothes, etc. We had baths and haircuts, etc. We must have been pretty dirty.

The  situation with our neighbor and his family brought back many of my own memories. Some of our neighbors have never dealt with a mental illness or with the "dark" secrets of a dysfunctional family. There are others who mirror it. So, who's better for it? Who wins? I am not sure anyone ever wins in situations like this.

I watched a 12 year old, cry out in pain, telling a 50+ year old social worker that she didn't feel safe at home with her mom. That she was told on more than one occasion that her mom was going to kill herself and take the kids with her. The social worker only responded that they were being cared for in the last 9 months with mom and dad both in the house (they've been divorced for some time). Since they had food, shelter, clothing, etc. that the kids could return to the house that night, assuming dad was coming home from the hospital. I couldn't believe what he was saying to her. What a crock to our justice system! It was that same system that always sent me back to live with my mom and step-dad. Even though we returned when I was 12 (and in that time gained a new sister and a new brother, and another sister on the way), we returned to the system again when I was 15. It didn't help that there were other things going on during this time in my life.    I always wondered if the "so-called" system did what was best "for the child".

I often wonder how different my life would have been if I had been allowed to be "adopted" by my foster parents, instead of being returned to my parents. This past week just drained me - both emotionally and mentally. Just when I think I am further away from my past, something happens and returns me back to when I was 8 or when I was 12...

Cool & Windy Day with my husband

Enjoyed my day off today getting to go for a walk with my husband, child and both dogs around Lake Remembrance. We don't get to do this often, as our schedules always seem to struggle matching up. It also wasn't even planned, at least to walk together. Gene had some things to get ready for his job next week and Corey and I were going to finish up some errands and take Sophie, the lab, out for a walk - since Jackie, our baby rat terrier, went with daddy for a car ride. Gosh forbid one dog gets a better advantage than the other (although, heard later, that the "baby" got a hamburger while with daddy). 

We had a great time walking around the lake...it was a good day. Here are some pics I took while we walked. Enjoy!

Sophie & Jackie

Gene throwing the stick into the "cold" water and Sophie going after it...

above: Gene throwing the stick into the water....below: Sophie coming out of the cold water

one SOAKED puppy! 

the sunset coming in...

to the right of the picture, you can see the ducks in the water

coming to the "turn around point" for us today...

beautiful picture of Gene with the sun coming  down

gorgeous sunset

A Can of Worms

So, here it is....a day that I have often prayed would come, and now that it's here - I'm not sure if I am ready to "walk through" it.

Yesterday, I had the opening shift at work - shortly after arriving to work, my cell phone goes off. It's my mom calling. I don't generally have my phone in a visible spot at work, or carry it on myself, unless it's a closing shift. It was a fluke I was in the office when the call came in. When I answered the phone, she was crying and upset on the other end. She wanted me to come and get her, that she needed to go to the hospital - she couldn't do it anymore. I didn't know what to do. Not that I didn't want to help her - it was something I had always hoped she would do -- want help, and I wanted to be there when it happened; but, I have to also take care of myself and my family. Some people would think that is selfish. In fact, today, I was informed that I was a shitty big sister and not there when I needed to be.

People that I have come into contact with over the years - those that are not as close to me as others - have never understood why it is that I have "steered clear" of my "family". I had to leave, to maintain my own sanity. I couldn't live that way anymore - I couldn't do that to my "kids" and I sure as heck wasn't putting my husband through it. Maybe I stayed away because of embarrassment, maybe it was fear that I would be "just like them", or, I don't know why. I learned though, through a dear friend in college, that I needed to take care of "me" and if I didn't do that, he said, I would never be able to help anyone else - regardless who it was.

I have traveled my own journey of my family's past. It was hard. It still is. It still affects me now. It took years to forgive my mom for leaving me at the neighbor's when I was nearly 8, and not returning for years. It took time to forgive her for making more mistakes, thus leaving us in foster care again when I was 14. It took time to forgive her for not being there - a game, a school event, a track meet, anything I was involved in. It still hurts knowing how my wedding day went - fighting with my step-dad, and then not coming to my reception - blaming me. What I know is that becoming sober myself and walking through "fire" with a lot of issues that I have dealt with - I know what opening "a can of worms" can do to a person.

My mom has decided after 30+ years of being unhappy and "solving" her problems the wrong way, it is time to get better. My mom has depression (as does many of our family) and with that comes the hateful, mean person that she can be when she's not on her medication. She wants to die, she hates everyone, and assumes that no one loves her, etc. On top of that, my mom has smoked marijuana for the past 12 years that I am aware of, and apparently much more when she was younger. But in the last several years, it's interfered with any sort of "relationship" that I have wanted with her. It's hurt me so much, because I knew I couldn't do anything for her. She had to make that decision. It's been horrible watching her be this way. She spent 25 years with a man (my step-dad) - he didn't always make her happy, he was a drunk. He was emotionally abusive to her, to me, and anyone else that was a "step-child" in the family. He put us all through hell in one way or another. He finally succeeded in suicide (many attempts through our childhood), by blowing up the house, and taking everything with it in 2000. I thought, things will get better for her. Instead, things got worse. WOW! Did they ever get worse. I reached a point, I had to distance myself from her. I couldn't handle it, and definitely didn't know how to "fix" it. At the same time, I reached a point in my life (remember, I just got married) and it opened up a "can of worms" in my life, that I still deal with daily.

I am eager to see my mom get better, and hope that this will get better. This is the first time I can ever remember my mom asking for help. It's the first step, right? However, this is what I fear right now. Today, one of my sister's tried to go and see her. She talked to her on the phone, and learned mom hadn't eaten today. When she asked the nurse about that, the nurse simply told my sister, that my mom must have chosen not to eat, because it was available all day. Now, I love my sisters dearly, however, they have never "opened" their can of worms. They have just avoided it. They don't realize what mom is getting ready to go into. It will get ugly before it gets better. My mom has nearly 60 years of "stuff" tucked into those joints she's been smoking. She has buried so many things, so deep - I don't even know if she knows what end is up right now.

I have also realized that what I haven't dealt with up until this point, is about to look me square into the eye and come at full swing. I hope that I am prepared for it. I am nervous and scared at the same time. It's exhausting.

Putting on the Armor

Reading about Jonathan (son of Saul) and his armor-bearer in I Samuel this evening. how this man was obedient to him through "heart and soul" - as Jonathan is to his God. They were to go into battle. Jonathan told him that they were going to move forward. Jonathan told him that if it was the Lord's will today, that they will do well, if not, it wasn't meant to be done through them, on that day.

Now, when are soldiers are sent to battle, we prepare them with the "tools" necessary to hopefully survive.

When we go into our personal battles, delve into our past hurts, wrongs, convictions - whatever, we are provided with tools to get through the battle. It's up to us to decide if we are going to use these tools and how we will use them. I would think of these "tools" as something tangible - something that I will hold on and use to "fight" this battle I am inside of. However, that is not the case.

The tool provided to me right now is prayer. I think 24 hours ago, I would have laughed...but tonight, I am starting to see this differently. In Ephesians, we are instructed to put on the full armor of God. Instructed! We are flat out told to do it. In whatever we do, wherever we go, or wherever we are - put on the armor of God so that we are protected.

So tonight, in my prayers to the Lord, I asked him to help put that armor on me. As, it has always been available to me - but I have not been using it correctly. I want him to place that armor on me so that I am protected from the evil around. To feel secure and at peace.

Now, I am ready to go into my battle.

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is for moving forward, not for forgetting. To forget means to lose the lesson learned from the experience"

The above statement is something that was posted on a friend's Facebook status last week. It's something that has stuck with me for about a week now. I thought forgiveness meant to forget what happened. So many people use this word with forgetting. I wonder if this is what makes moving forward so damn hard.

He was in town a few weeks back....and I didn't even know it.

I made a phone call.

I didn't even know what I was going to say when he answered the phone. Why was I calling anyway? Part of me wanted to yell and scream when he answers, and part of me just wants to know if he will accept what he did to me so many years ago. Who was I kidding?!?!

That phone call was to my uncle - one of the two that abused me. As of last year, he still thought he had dome nothing wrong. Told me to get over it and move on. I was so angry when we had this "conversation" last year. His older brother had admitted years ago what he did, and accepted anything I had to say to him. Why does this one have such a hold on my life?

What was I expecting in this phone call? I haven't even told my husband that I called him, much less that I actually talked to him. I also haven't told him that he was in town either. I didn't see him. I found out three days later. I know he's a registered sex offender in the state of Oklahoma. I came across that information on their Case net for the state. Of course, when I talked with him the other day (all of a few minutes) - he mentioned that he's been sober since last March (courtesy of the state of Oklahoma) and that he's working right now. He also made the comment that his lawyer is working on having the offender status removed from his file. Apparently, it was to be removed years ago (now, that is his version).

I'm not sure what I was expecting from this conversation. Does his stopping drinking make it better? Does it excuse his behavior so many years ago?

I haven't talked to him since.

So, what is this "lesson" I am supposed to be learning from this entire hold on my life? My best friend told me that she wants me to have "hope" in this new year. She talked about the joy I should experience with my husband. How happy I would be. Although she has not experienced the same situation in her life, she has been very supportive of my best days and my worst days since before my wedding day, as if she had walked the same shoes. She doesn't have to be there, but she is. She cares for me. She loves me...and our friendship helps me move forward.

I can vent, scream, yell, cry...whatever. She gets into my face (even on the phone) - she holds me accountable - she will straight up ask "those" questions...the ones that many others are afraid to ask - and the ones I am afraid to talk about. But there is something about those conversations we have...they're special. Even when both of our lives are crazy...she makes time for me...and it means more than she'll ever know. She has challenged me this year to make baby steps and set little goals for myself. sometimes those steps are flippin' scary...and sometimes I feel like I am taking two steps forward.

So, I am asking for prayers....I have to move forward. It is time.