Searching for a New Beginning - January 1995

As I look back through this poem - I feel the hold it has on me. I have some of these same feelings now. During this time period, my poems stopped getting as dark as the previous poems. This poem shares the lost feelings that I endured wanting to come out of the hole I felt trapped in for so long, one that I feel trapped in now. What is it about this cycle that causes it to come back around? It's like riding a merry go round and not being able to get off and wondering when it will stop. It's not so much looking for that new beginning, but being able to accept going into that new direction as well. I think that is the hardest part coming through the fire - being able to take those risks to make that next leap. Part of that, I think is what holds me back for long and not allowing myself to move from the turmoil. 


Searching for a new beginning


Journeying down an endless road
searching for a new beginning
in life, scouring my endless options
searching for a new beginning
less tears and a new life
something other than sadness
and despair
something better
a little more faith from
beyond
a prayer to fulfill
a life to succeed
take these burdened sorrows
away oh Lord.
my eyes hurt from many shedding tears
let me speak my peace
let me die for my sins
Lord, my insides hurt so much 
inside
my eyes water as I remember
the many wrong things my
memories spin before me
as to remind me of the past
I long for the love you have 
for me
But where is it?
I am lonely and I feel hurt,
jealous behavior rides within me
and I am lost
and oh so confused
I am frustrated  by many
and made happy by so few
Lord, point me to a new direction
and search for me a new beginning...
lead me into a new life
help me search for a greater happiness
bring unto me a new strength
of hope and of less sorrow
for a greater look at another
tomorrow
my needs seem forgotten
the feeling of hopelessness 
and despair
and I feel as if I'm losing yet 
another battle...


I see people possess the
happiness that I desire
and I question myself, why?
why can't I have that feeling?


1-3-95