Two steps back...but here I am

I had a moment yesterday, a moment of fear. I felt like everything that I have been working towards this past year was brought to a halt - in one moment! I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and just cower. What should feel good, hurts me. What is appropriate, scares me. I was praised for going further, yet, I was letting him down once again. The guilt just pours over me. Satan had won this battle, or so I thought and was willing to let happen. I felt my guards go up.  My "personal monster" was attacking me again. I am so close to getting  further away and it has such a hold...

After awhile, I got up and read some scriptures to prepare for my Bible study. I came across I John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

For me, this verse told me that I didn't have love, because of the fear I felt. That in particular, I didn't have God's love. When I showed Gene the verse and he read it. He explained to me, that we will never have God's perfect love. That we would not be perfect. That only Christ, our Lord, is perfect. I asked a few others on their perspective of the verse. Learning that if I am not walking with Christ, I cannot celebrate in his love for me. That I am allowing the fear to take over. The fears are lies that Satan is making sure I don't forget that past. I am so close to this stronghold being released in my life and apparently he doesn't want me to release it.

I attended my study last night, eager to hear something that would help. But, my guards were up, and I didn't want anyone in. I enjoy the ladies I meet with on Monday nights. I am fairly new to the group, as I didn't start the study with them - but soon found out that they were also working on Beth Moore's "Breaking Free". I was invited to join them in week 5. Although a wonderful group, I am reserved. Imagine that!?! I think because a lot of the ladies seem more versed in scripture and have attended the church for so long, so there are times I don't know how they will react with me. I know we all have our "demons" and "personal monsters" in our closets, but, when I see some of my own friends back away because of the unknown - I can only imagine what those I know less about would think. However, there is a sense of closeness that I feel when I am there. I know that is where He wants me at this moment in my life. Going to this church was a Godsend for me. I know it was He that directed me there.

So, my journey this morning has taken a few turns...good ones...and pondering ones. Here are some verses I encountered this morning during my study:

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM" - 2 Corinthians 3:17

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." - Psalm 62:1-2

"from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:15-21

My mirrors are covered with scripture that I hold dear to, and these will be added to whatever space is left. I want the Freedom that is being talked about, all over the New Testament, not just the one above. I think I am so afraid of what is on the other side of that, that I have yet to take that leap of faith. My pastor talked about "not quitting" this weekend during Sunday's sermon. I think if you would have seen me a year ago, you would think I was quitting. I wanted to. I desperately wanted to just die. However, in my journey in the last 12 months - I have decided - I don't want to quit. I am this close...Something my pastor shared "strengthen your grip, renew your effort, it is too soon to quit until you are 'thoroughly finished'"  How true. So, for me, it's saddle up my horse and get a move on! I want others to know I finished this race. I want my husband to be a part of this race with me. I know that he will be there with me - I want Jesus to stand by me as I go through this last leg of this part of my journey (not that I want him to leave afterwards). I know that I need him.

I do know that my soul only finds rest in Him. It's the only time I am not running around in circles. When I laid my head down to rest last night - I had taken my medicine, I read a little and I clutched my teddy bear just a little tighter. I could tell I still had my guard up, at least a little. My stomach was still hurting - but knowing that just two hours before, ladies prayed for me...my guard came down a little...and I know that they want me to know that peace that Jesus speaks about, the love that God has for me, and the strongholds that need to be broken.

I woke up this morning feeling better. I spent time off and on this morning in His word. Just soaking up the many verses that I came across. I revisited some of the "benefits" I have in knowing God...and one is "finding satisfaction in God" So true, I have to be able to be satisfied with his love and no other. I know it was the prayers that allowed me to have that rest last night. Rest that I didn't think I would get, due to my fears from earlier.

My "Ta-Dah" Moments

I just came off of the most exhilarating weekend (in a positive way) in a long time! I attended the Women of Faith Conference "Imagine" in Kansas City at the Sprint Center. As I stop to reflect on the weekend, there were so many questions that were posed to me from the different speakers. 

Here are some of those questions that were asked of me:

from speaker, Sheila Walsh - my favorite:

Sheila Walsh "Ta-Dah" Moments

- "Do I feel a need to control everything around me?" (OUCH!)

- "When something unexpected hits me, am I ruled by the anxiety in a storm or do I have peace and quietness?"

- "Do I ever feel a slight disconnect from God and others?"

- "Do I trust the person who has their hands on me?"

- "Who do I perceive as the real enemy in my life?"

- "When God doesn't answer the way my heart cries for Him, how does that affect how I feel about Him?"

- "What's my greatest nightmare?"

and from Luci Swindoll - a woman wise in her years....

Luci Swindoll - Living life differently

- "Where is my soul?" (very LOADED question, or so I thought)

These were just the questions posed to me...you can only imagine the questions I turned around and asked myself. Do you have those moments in church service, where you hadn't really intended on going to service that morning, or just had one of those "blah" days and wanted to stay curled up in bed? It's not that I unwillingly went to the conference, but God spoke to me this weekend, more than I could imagine - so much that I am still trying to process everything.

I have really struggled with just handing it over to God, no questions asked, and not asking for it back. It's been hard. During the first session, I listened to Sheila Walsh. She was amazing. She was real. I could literally listen to her for days on end. The first three sessions she spoke about dealt with trust. Hmm....yep, must have needed that one. She talked a little about forgiveness. She had this to say, "it's one thing to forgive, it's another thing to open up your heart and trust." WoW! I think even the forgiving part is just as hard. But to truly open up your heart and to let someone in is very hard. I think it's truly taken me this long to let my husband into my heart. It's been 10 years. But, we are just now getting to where we can have those tough conversations with each other; although, I still hold back at times -- but, I am getting better. I had been let down so many times in my life, that, the one person I really wanted to rely on - I thought he would hurt me, just like the others had done in the past. Even though, he was mine - mine to keep! Trust is built on experiences and it's a give and take for both parties. I was willing to take, but had not been able to give. Her final moment on that first session was the "the real enemy is the lack of trust in God." Is that ever so true. If I were to look at the "enemies" in my life....alcohol, drugs, negative family influences, and that I have allowed Satan to beat me down so much that I perceive my life not worth it. I can see where I have allowed the "enemies" to just filter into my life on a daily basis. 

Some of my "ta-dah" moments came in Sheila's second session Friday morning. Again, on trust :-) Imagine that, right? How many times have I prayed to God, only willing to bargain with Him, as long as He let me have my way? Way too many to count. She talked about the story of Lazarus when he was ill. Jesus was sent for to come and heal his friend who was sick. However, Jesus didn't leave right away; he left two days later. By that point, Lazarus had passed. me personally, I would have been hacked if my friend didn't come running when I was at my death bed. I am not sure if I would have understand. But, I wonder if Lazarus felt the same. His sisters were upset because Jesus came too late; he didn't come on their command. I can think of numerous times when God "messed" up my schedule...I had to move to Atlanta, GA (Jan 2008), then again (also in Nov 2008) to Chicago, IL in the middle of the winter...and then to return back to KC (Aug 2009). Or better yet, what about my job situation? I mean, how could He not find a teaching position for me? Or allow me to get into management on my terms? While instead, I should be asking God "speak to me" - what should I be looking at? listening to? I am learning I need to just pay attention - apparently, He has something in store for me. So, going back to another one of those questions posed to me - how do I feel when He doesn't answer my heart's cries? I am crushed. I feel like I deserved it! I feel like he's not listening to my heart. I get angry and frustrated. I question myself, I wonder what I did wrong. My favorite quote from the session was "the greatest act of worship is to kill our dreams, so that we will know the dreams of our Sovereign Lord." So, I am learning that just because I didn't get something right away, or maybe not at all - there's a purpose in my life (even if I don't know what it is). 

This weekend's verse was from Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

Another verse that I have come across lately is I Corinthians 2:9-10

However, as it is written, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him; but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. 

So, God surpasses my dreams when I reach past my own personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and walk past the path He chose for me....I am hoping to remain patient enough to see what He has in store for me. 

One final note to end my weekend. this statement came from Karen James. She is the widow of Kelley James, Mt. Hood tragedy 2006. "We keep our secrets and our secrets keep us" When I stop to think what holds me back, or what has held me back this year - it was all the "secrets". It kept me in my own prison and it was horrible! God sometimes needs to take us to our own "prison" to be able to set us free. 

I am ready to be set free. 

Anticipating the lights...Part II

I wanted to update everyone on my journey. Although, there was a recent posting, it was written back in August. Many things have happened since then through this journey.

I have been working on completing the Bible study - "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. It's the newly updated version of a book she wrote 10 years ago. I had that one too, but never completed it...now that I look back on it...I wasn't ready at the time. It brings in a whole new concept, that God will reveal what he needs to, on His timing (can't believe I am acknowledging this). Just as a side note, this past week, I found out that one of my uncles that molested me and attempted to rape me has been a registered sex offender for 9 years. It was from an event that happened in 1995, right here in KC. I never knew, and my family never said anything. Apparently, they were "unaware". The reason I bring this up is, I am not sure if I would have known back in 2001 that he had been charged and convicted of "rape" to someone else if that would have "healed" me faster or sent me in a deeper hole. Although, it wasn't me who presented him to "justice" - I felt somewhat vindicated that justice was "served", but for me, it was vindication for family members who didn't believe he was "capable of doing what he did to me. It was validation in my life that what happened to me, truly happened because he was a sick & twisted person.

I flipped through the original version of "Breaking Free" to see what my responses were to the assignments back then, that I did complete. The responses were no where near the in-depth responses that I see now in my journaling. Although, knowing what I needed to work on was revealed, it was never followed through. Again, I wasn't ready to dive into this journey.

During this study so far, I have learned a great deal of what I can control and of what I cannot. God's will for our lives is to have freedom in Christ. He wants us free from captivity. Captivity keeps me from living out the reality of Isaiah 64:4 - "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." as well as, I Corinthians 2:9 (given to me as a "verse of the day" by a great friend) - "However, as it is written, No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" Based on this, God has something special for me, something exceptional. I want to know what it is. I want that peace, I want that freedom. Beth's definition for captivity is "a Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God planned for her." How true this is...the bondage and captivity that I have allowed my family, my past, the abuse I suffered, etc., all the bondage that I have allowed to interfere with my life now - my marriage, my children, my job, etc...it's nothing if I am not free from the bondage that holds me back.

She discusses 5 benefits that we have, as a child of God
1) To know Him and believe in Him
2) To glorify God
3) To find satisfaction in God
4) To experience God's peace
5) To enjoy God's presence

I look at those and think...I know that I have believed in a God...I have for a long time. Not sure if I believed in Him specifically. You know when you believe in someone, you believe they can do anything...you believe your child can hit the baseball, or ace the spelling test, or learn to walk or speak their first words. I guess that's easier, because we can "see" it. However, to have a belief in God and to truly believe in Him, you have to rely on faith. Man, that's such a big word! I think that is harder than most anything. To glorify God is just to have Him shine in your life. Where he seeps out in everything you do. You want people to wonder, you want them to know why "things have changed" or "what's happening in your life". You see NFL players "give glory to God" when they point upwards after that touchdown or completed play. I am learning how to give God the glory when I have a great night with tips, or have "just enough" to pay a late bill...or when there is food in the house to make my child lunch for his school day.

I think I struggle with the final 3 benefits the most. I think by looking back at the friends I have "lost" - ones that went away on their own recognizance because I "wore out" their friendship because of my needs...I miss them terribly. They were dear to me and they were a part of my life and a part of my healing process. To me, because of abandonment issues from my own mother, it was another "abandoning" in my life. It caused me to struggle even more so. However, I am learning that it was their goal to have me turning to God, or God's way of taking them from my life, so that I would turn to Him. I hope one day that I will cross paths again with some of those people, to be able to share with them how my life has changed for the better over the years.

I am starting to experience some of the peace that God talks about. I am finding peace of my past. It's been difficult, but I am actually starting to see progress. A year ago, I wanted to die. I didn't want to be here and I didn't want to progress with anything. I was tired. I was done and felt defeated. I quickly watched my downward spiral with my drinking and anger and bitterness that I had on everything around me.  I walked out on my family because I felt I had nowhere else to turn. I didn't want to take them with me. I had a confused 12 yr old who didn't understand what was going on with me. This devastated me, I was now abandoning him. Spending this last year working with my pastor and listening, to the words in scripture that my closest friends were sending my way and many intercessory prayers lifted up, I am a much better person right now. The year has been tough, but I can honestly look back and see the growth. I am now starting to see the light in this journey.

I now take my Bible with me when I leave the house for work. When I have stressful days there, I am able to go and read. I also have a paper that I keep in my pant's pocket or in my work box for easy reach when I am  without pockets. This is page of scripture that a friend wrote for me. When it's stressful at work and people are "attacking" me, I pull it out and read through it to calm down. Or, I read scriptures in my Bible...I find myself having a hunger for God's word during those struggles. I haven't had that in a long time. I think I am actually starting to enjoy His presence. It's a good feeling, just different. I am also working on memorizing scripture, man I haven't done this in a long time. But, I am doing pretty good - at most of it anyway. When I learn new scripture or come across something that stands out in my studies, I write it on an index card - the big ones :-) and post it on my mirror in our master bathroom. Now, that means, Gene is running out of room to "beautify" himself, but he doesn't seem to mind. He recently told me he was proud to see me reading my Bible more often and studying fervently. It made me feel good.

On a final note, last week I studied about the "ancient ruins". I was asked if I was preserving the ruins or if I was rebuilding. WOW! It hit pretty hard. I think up to this point, I have been preserving the ruins in my life. I have kept a list of "wrongdoings, hurts, bitterness, anger...and always needing someone to blame" including the people who abused me. I am learning that, being justified "in my eyes" and holding onto those feelings, I wasn't doing anything but hindering myself and holding "ME" captive. Although I can't ignore what happened to me, or dissolve my past, I am learning that I can rebuild it to a better and brighter future. From Beth - "Between every unfaithful generation and faithful generation is one person determined to change" - this is ME! I don't want to continue the cycles that my family rolls around in everyday. It's crazy!

Anticipating the lights....Part I

How many times in your life have you anticipated something that you felt was important to you? Albeit Christmas morning, your wedding day, a special birthday, or even the last day of school...we're only human and we anticipate many things in life.

I anticipate the day where I am at peace with my past.

I anticipate the day when I can enjoy God's intentions for marriage.

A few weeks back, I wanted to separate from my husband of 10 years. I couldn't handle things and thought it was the only way out. I have, and still do, a lot of friends praying for us and sharing with me scriptures from God that have since changed my thoughts on it. However, with his current work schedules, he has been gone since July 22nd and isn't due to return until sometime around Labor Day weekend. So, in some hindsight, the break was probably needed for the both of us and couldn't have come at a better time.

Through some reading this past week, I came across Mark 12:30-31 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." This verse stood out to me because I am aware that I should love God and know by now that God does love me, and yet, I haven't given him my all. I keep holding back and wanting to do it myself. With the exception of a recent night of nightmares, I have felt a lot of peace within myself. I have finally felt at ease with some decisions.

A dear friend of mine shared the following verses with me and they meant a lot:

"I will never fail you. I will never forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God" - Philippians 4:6

""God's mighty weapons...knock down the Devil's strongholds" - 2 Corinthians 10:4

"Jesus promises, 'I am with you always, even to the end of age.'" - Matthew 28:20

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him." - Psalms 103:12-13

"those who plow evil and sow trouble, reap evil and trouble" - Job 4:8

Stages of Abuse

For those not already aware, I am working through a book study titled "The Wounded Heart". It's a biblical study that works through childhood sexual abuse for adults. Specifically, it says "hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse". The hope tells me that at some point in time, things are suppose to get better, however, I feel like that time will never reach me.

Before looking at the stages of abuse...there's 2 things that are evident in a home of a person who was/being abused -  1) the first, "is a sense of being enjoyed for who one is rather than for what one does", and 2) "is a respect for one's being that permits the opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other members of the family."  Then there's "Soul deadness" - a heart dulled to its own pain. Later on, I read about survival. "Survival requires fitting in, and to fit in means to live a life of torment. The experience of being profoundly used and let down by someone we trusted and relied on sears the hope that relationship can be purely enjoyed." Man, these last two statements just hit me like a rock! I feel like with the "soul deadness" - that just portrays me each day...there are days I swear, I am barely functional - for no rhyme or reason. I am just merely breathing. "Fitting in"? I constantly question myself as to where I belong. I have people who care about me, those who help me, etc. Yet, when there's other things going on or I "feel" left out, I question and make it a big deal - when I really shouldn't. Our neighbors help each other out. There's not one thing that I think that none of us wouldn't do for the other when it came right down to it. If it's within someone's means or range, we would take care of each other. Yet, I sometimes think that they can see right through me and see my secrets. Or, although they are joking around, sometimes comments said hit me hard...even though it's just guys being guys. Its uncomfortable. I know if I just say something they would stop. However, I don't want to ruin the "fun" everyone is having.

Stage 1: Development of Intimacy and Trust
It's the offer of relationship, intimacy, special privilege, and rewards. It can be viewed as the offer of water to a person dying of thirst. 


I think back in this stage to when I was about 12. Some of the special privileges I got was the mere fact, I was older. My next sibling from me was 7 or 8. So, there was only the four of us close in age; I was the only girl in that group. Two uncles above me, and 1 that was the same age as I. The oldest one was old enough to be driving, so that was a "big deal" at the time. The guys rode motorcycles and had a truck as well. So, to get away from my 6 siblings was a big treat at the time. I always got to ride along to the store to get cigarettes or something to drink. Of course, I sat right up front with everyone. I was a pretty cute kid at the time, skinny, blonde hair, blue eyes, and somewhat "tall" at the time...I also wasn't a "girly girl" either. I was fine with swimming in the lakes and walking through the woods with the best of them. As we got older, we were in school together, middle school/high school. We had the same friend groups as each older and hung out together quite a bit. For the longest time, you would think it was more of a sister/brother relationship - which I was commonly referred to as "lil sis" by the two oldest ones. It was never an uncle/niece relationship - ever. I worked with one of them for a few years. If we were just chilling out at home, we would all lay down on the couch or the floor and watch movies together. There was always some casual touching - feet playing, coincidently touched in the chest...what have you. I didn't think much of it at the times it would happen. Sometimes it would go further than just a quick touch. Those were times I would freeze up and just go numb and "check out". In my reading, someone describes this stage as the "glory days" - in some aspects, I can see it being described that way - because there were great times had by us...and then there are days - it would be nothing remotely close as describing as a "glorious day" in my life - it was mere torture!

Stage 2: Physical Contact that Appears Appropriate
beginning of physical and sensual bonding


Reading through this stage, it starts off by talking about how sexual and sensual are different from each other. Someone can get/give a hug and although it is an act of physical touch, it is not a sexual arousal - nor should it be. Hugs are safe for me -- most of the time. There were times that we would be on a long motorcycle ride (which I loved) and sometimes his hand would wander to the back of the bike and touch my legs or inner thigh area. I would get very scared and nervous, not to mention, there was not much I could do just because of the fact that we were on a bike and any sudden movement or jerk by the driver or rider could cause the bike to fall over. I experienced the same contact while we would be swimming in a lake, mostly because in lake water you can't tell what the other person is doing because the water is not as clear as pool water. As we got older, I sometimes used to see the one just above me in age, more of a "boyfriend" maybe that's where I got myself into trouble. He was a decent looking guy, he was polite with me. We were always together. We were always doing something. I let him start, his brother was already way ahead of him in that department. I am not sure if one knew about the other messing with me. We would stay up late at night and just talk. I could talk about my family "sucking" - I could talk about school, or a boyfriend or just whatever. I can see now the relationship that developed because of our closeness.

Stage 3: Sexual Abuse Proper
Sexual abuse occurs in a context of emptiness, confusion, and loneliness, a context that sets up the victim for a baffling interplay of betrayal, ambivalence, and powerlessness as the adult moves the victim from one stage of abuse to the next. Sexual abuse is the final blow that sabotages the soul in a climatic betrayal, mocking the enjoyment of relationship and pouring contempt on the thrill of passion. The nature of the relationship, especially degree of closeness (father vs. neighbor, brother vs sister), and degree of prior intimacy play a part in the extent of the damage. There are different levels of severity that intensify the damage of abuse. The tragedy of abuse is that the enjoyment of one's body becomes the basis of a hatred of one's soul. 


The last statement alone just intensifies how I feel right now. I can't enjoy being with my husband. I don't enjoy being with my husband. I have to make myself partake in any physical contact with him. Even if he just wants to hold hands, I automatically assume he wants more, even if he doesn't. That hurts him, and it just kills me, because I can't provide for him whatsoever. I feel like this marriage will never be fully consumated. This just angers me thinking about it.

These guys, my uncles, my friends - they took everything from me. They don't even have a clue how much I feel like I have lost out on because of it. And my family, they just don't get it altogether. How you can feel terror and arousal at the same time is beyond me. There were times it felt good. There were good feelings - WHY!?! They shouldn't have been touching me at any point! There were times I would pretend to be asleep, it didn't matter, they still tried. Then, the final blow came while I was still in high school. Going to a party with one of them - it was a weekend party - we had been drinking and partying since Friday. It was Saturday night, and for some reason we left the party - I think to get cigarettes or something, at least that was how I was told to go to the car. I don't even think we made it to a store. Instead, he parked that car underneath the Troost bridge behind a restaurant. I remember it being very dark. We started out by talking...and before I knew it, he wanted me to take my pants off. Eventually he was on top of me trying to force himself in. I was in such pure shock and terror trying to get him off me. He eventually got off me, but he wanted me to give him oral sex. It was the only time I felt threatened. I wasn't sure he would do had I not. Eventually, we went back to the party and then back home. I couldn't talk to him or look at him for weeks. I had blocked out that event until just a few months back. I never told a soul. I couldn't. I didn't know how, and thought I was to blame. He was drunk and I don't think he ever understood what he did to me that night to this day.

My stomach is hurting.

Stage 4: Threats and Privileges
The final stage of abuse is in many ways similar to the first stage: the development of intimacy and secrecy. Unlike the first stage, however, the glory days are gone forever. The abuser will use whatever leverage he or she can to instill loyalty and fear in the heart of the victim to ensure silence and compliance. 


I had my friends - "our" friends - I couldn't tell a soul. I thought he was the "leader" in this pack. For some reason, they always came to him, or so I thought. I thought, if I said something to someone, no one would believe me. They would excuse it because he was so drunk and just blow it off. Or treat it like my family did, just ignore it happened. I thought I would lose my friends. I don't remember him or his brother threatening me specifically, except for the time above that I just felt threatened by him. I had blocked out so much of the "worse" incident, that once again, we were hanging out with our friends, doing things at the house...etc., just like "old times". However, what I remember is that it destroyed my relationships with guys. Deep down, I couldn't do anything with any male...no matter how hard I tried.

To end this, a statement in the reading stood out to me - "Sexual abuse is the final blow that sabotages the soul in a climatic betrayal, mocking the enjoyment of relationship and pouring contempt on the thrill of passion"

An Escape from Reality....and the rude awakening that followed

I felt so succumbed to "life" this week, that I need an escape from reality. Albeit, not my best choices for escaping, but I couldn't handle it any longer; or so I thought. Of course, my decisions lead me to not feel so well...and guess what? Reality and life were still here when I returned. 

The drink tasted good and I wanted more, so I continued until the early morning before falling asleep on a friend's couch. I can't deny the fact that I enjoyed myself the entire evening. I was able to relax and just let go. I wish it were that easy when I am sober. However, it feels like I need that "courage" to relax myself. Maybe that's why I continue to return to it? 

This morning came mighty early. Earlier in the week I had made a commitment that I would be in Sunday morning's service. I needed to keep that commitment, there was a little "voice" that kept pestering me about it. I needed to go. Not on time, but I did make it to service. 

First up...COMMUNION. Have you ever felt where you just didn't flat out deserve something? This is totally how I felt when I realized it was communion Sunday. There are many things that we don't deserve when it comes to God. Yet, by His grace, it is given. Pastor kept talking about coming before God and bringing everything you have to Him. Not to mention, drinking until after 2, communion was not something I am sure my stomach was ready for. I decided to go forward and accept communion. I wanted to have the "blood" and "body" of Christ inside of me, not the feelings that I had inside of me. 

Next up....THE MESSAGE. Have you ever sat in a lecture hall, or meeting, or just felt someone just staring right at you when they were talking? Oh my, I felt like the message was directed right at me specifically. The Lord may as well have hit me directly with a 2 X 4 wooden board. The message was on friendship. "Value of Friends - Friends & Enemies and how to tell the difference". He started off by talking about a quote from Charles Swindoll. I copied only part of it, but it stood out to me considering the circumstances...

"...the bar flourishes not because most people are alcoholics, but because God has put into the human heart the desire to know and to be known, to love and the be loved, and so many seek a counterfeit at the price of a few beers..." 

As I stated earlier, I did enjoy myself. I was surrounded by friends, people whom I care about and whom I truly believe care about me. But people meet others in all types of places throughout their lives. When you get together with someone, many people will ask "where you met at". As the message continued, Pastor continued to give what he felt are important characteristics of a "true friend"

1. Real friends help us when we are down. - Proverbs 17:17 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity" In other words, a real friend is with us at all times, not just when it's convenient for them. They come when we call, regardless. I had "this very friend" offer to come and get me at 3:00 AM, not realizing I was with a safe driver. There were no strings attached, no questions asked, etc. I declined it at the time, but I made them aware that they were a true friend to me this morning. 

2. Real friends are a source of comfort in an uncomfortable world. - Ecclesiastes 4:11 "Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone?" Although this verse is typically meant for those who are married, it can have other application. Pastor talked about encouraging each other in a time of need. He questioned us "Who's been lifting me up?" Once again, the friend mentioned above has encouraged me recently when I didn't hear things the way I wanted to. Encourages me when I am having a tough day at work, etc. Although "we" don't lie down together, I know I can trust that this friend will work side by side with me pushing me to do my best. 

3. Real friends have your back. - Ecclesiastes 4:12 "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" I believe this is where we talked about gossip. real friends don't gossip. I stop to think about the above mentioned "friend". He doesn't gossip. He walks away from the drama. That in it of itself shows me a lot. He doesn't want any part of it. Because we have similar work goals, we try to stick together in a lot of work situations. 

4. Real friends are committed to our spiritual growth. -  Proverbs 27:17 "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another" I stop to think of my friends who contribute to my spiritual growth. I have several; however, they are not close in distance. I have many that encourage me. I am really not sure where I stand at with this area. This was a "safe" area when I was in college. It was "safe" when I was a on a mission trip. However, I don't have that same circle of friends now. Maybe things would be different?!?!

So, although I am extremely exhausted and feel absolutely nauseous from the alcohol...I am back in reality. I still have bills to pay, I still have limited finances and less than we had anticipated from some earlier work. I know I have people who care about me and that I needed to hear that message this morning, even I wasn't completely sober. 

A Constant Battle

The last few months I feel like I am constantly battling me, myself and I. There's so much that battles inside of me all the time. It's hard to stay focused and hard to stay positive. Outside of finances and work, the biggest battle lies within my own marriage. I was married ten years ago this past May. I feel like I am in a roommate situation, not a marriage. I blame a lot of it on me. I really struggle with this entire relationship. My best friend wrote a poem in our wedding card and I recently came across the card and the prayer he wrote on the back side of the card.

"The Marriage Song"

Two spirits come together

Two flesh become one

Two lives circle one another

God said it would be done

Two hearts that need one another

Two minds that work as one

Two bodies then brings another

God said it could be done

And then we set our passions up

And build the dreams that bind our way

With every turn in life we'll learn

That Jesus guides our way

Two faiths that lead one another

Two wills that yield

Two hopes that build one another

God as our strength and shield

Two friends that help one another

Two believers who pray

Two lovers that love one another

And God will direct our way

And we offer up our union to the building

of our faith to the sharing of our faith

in Jesus Christ, and to Glorify our King

For in this marriage of two believers

will take three to bind our way

LER

As I read through this poem, I realize I have never become one with my husband and struggle to do so. Not only physically one, but emotionally as one. I have felt myself pulling further away from this relationship. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be held. Yet, he's not an abusive man, he's not mean to me...nothing. I find myself closer to the edge of our bed. I snuggle tightly with my teddy bear, instead of him. I flinch when he touches me and feel horrible on the inside. I cringe and want to crawl into a shell and just cry. I don't understand. I don't want him touching me. 

I am constantly arguing and fighting with him. The more I think about it, I blame myself. I get agitated at small stuff and bicker about it. I blame him for our finances. I think he's more responsible for our situation, even though we both have a share in our finances. I think are things that I deserve. I was upset on mother's day, because I have helped provide for his daughter through the last 11 years, yet, when it comes to Mother's Day; it goes by the wayside and "nothing". Anniversaries and birthdays come and go, and nothing special. This last year was our 10th - we did nothing, once again. However, I hear about the really neat things that some of my friends and their spouses and some of the special things that they are doing for their anniversaries. It's frustrating. 

I watch relationships of some of my friends and just watch how they react and respond to one another. The love they show towards one another. The laughter, the fun they have...why can't I allow myself to have the same?!?! I often wonder, maybe I am not wanting this from him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be....ever. I struggle sharing this with him, I don't want to hurt him. I realize I already do hurt him. I am not trying to. 

I am asking for prayers. 

* That I can enjoy my marriage and find happiness with the way God intended

* to enjoy "snuggling" with my husband, to feel okay when he is caressing me

* to overlook the negative and enjoy time spent with my husband

* to focus on a strong, bonding marriage

* to allow me to love myself

Living with "family"...Carmen & Scott

Since my mom didn't return in a "timely" fashion, the neighbors took my sister Brandy and I to DFS (Division of Family Services) in Pensacola, Florida. Once we officially entered into the foster care system and moved beyond emergency housing...we were fortunate enough to go to one family for almost 3 years.

 Unbeknown to me, the state of Florida made every effort to contact any member of our family. Not sure how they got the information. However, no one was able to get to us. We went almost 2 full years without ANY contact from family. So, we stayed with Carmen and Scott. Living with Carmen and Scott was very different than in our own homes. Brandy was much younger than I was and was the little "cutie". They treated her like a baby. After realizing that no one was coming to get us, I was able to finally settle in.

Carmen and Scott had 3 of their own daughters: Sandy, Debbie and Julie. All 3 were in high school when we first went to live with them. Scott was in the Navy. I don't remember exactly what he did, but he was high up in the ranks. He also flew out of the country quite a bit on trips. Carmen was a stay at home mom. She was much older and was originally from Spain. She cooked a lot of Hispanic food..most quite good, but I remember I did not like hominy (Mexican white corn - GROSS!) She made homemade flour tortillas, soups, etc. It was nice to have someone actually cooking real food. We had chores each day - making our bed, helping with dishes, etc. The Harts were a strong Catholic family. We went to church every Sunday. I found it boring at best - we never went to Sunday School. We always sat in "big people" church. Then, we would all go to Godfather's Pizza for lunch and then come home. I remember the first weekend we came to live with them, they took us shopping for some new clothes. I can only imagine we didn't have much when we came to them.

Carmen did a lot of sewing. She taught us how to cross-stitch along with a few other things. I remember she had this really cool sewing room too. It was an enclosed porch off the back of the house. Brandy and I shared a room in the front of the house. Julie had her own room and Sandy and Debbie shared a larger room at the back of the house. The girls would take us to a lot of different places, mostly to the beach though. Sandy's boyfriend, Randy - loved to surf out at the beach and they took us often. Debbie worked a lot and we didn't see her as often. Julie was the youngest daughter and she didn't get out as often. She would take us to different places - to the mall, or a movie, and sometimes to the beach. I remember the girls would occasionally break curfew and Scott was generally not happy. Usually, it had to do with being out with boys :-)

Carmen & Scott taught Brandy and I how to swim. They installed an in-ground pool in the background our first summer there. It was awesome! I remember being thrown off the diving board as my first lesson. Once I got over the fear, I loved being in the water. When school was in session, we had to complete our homework, read for 30 minutes and then braid our own hair. Then, we could go into the pool. What a motivating factor. The braiding was interesting - I had to make sure my part was exact and everything was even. If not, I had to return until it was done correctly. Being 8 and learning how to braid your own hair was a real treat. But getting into your own pool was well worth it.

(Below: My sister Brandy and I - sitting on the diving board)

(Up above - Brandy and I near the pool - I was really tan and skinny with long legs - Check out my braids!)

I remember our first Christmas with the family. We were spoiled rotten! We had so many gifts under the tree that year and lots of toys to actually play with. I got my first watch - it was a Cinderella watch. I also remember that it snowed that year (enough to cover the grass) and Scott had made sleigh tracks in the front yard and prints up on the roof to make it look like Santa arrived.

Being in the foster care system in Florida, their primary goal is to reunite you with your family. Our situation proved unique in that they had a hard time locating my mom or other family (remember, Alan was locked up from the burglary and shooting charge). However, they eventually found her, in Tennessee. I remember there came a time for us to begin visitation. We started out by meeting with our parents, under supervision of course, at the DFS Children's Center. (Below is a picture of L to R: Brandy, Kizzie, Joseph, and myself. This was a Christmas time at the center. As you can see, my sister Kizzie grew up and I gained a little brother). We did this every week for about an hour. Eventually, that led to 2-3 hour visits, unsupervised. Usually we would go out to eat some lunch or to a park nearby. Eventually we had a few overnight visits. These were a little weird, as I gained a baby brother and a new sister before returning to my parents. Not to mention, one of my sisters was still in Texas. My mom's boyfriend (Alan's former cell mate - he was also the biological father of 2 of my new siblings) beat the crap out of my younger sister. She had several broken bones and was hospitalized and then taken from my mom. She went through the foster care system in Texas.

Now, mind you, Carmen & Scott were reaching a point that they wanted to adopt us. Depending on who you ask (my mom or my step-dad) the other will lay blame on the other one on who was going to "sign us over". I remember being heartbroken. Carmen & Scott were having to relocate to Jacksonville, FL in the coming months and really wanted us to stay with them. It could only happen through adoption. Once the adoption process was declined, they had to start looking for another foster home that was willing to keep us while we were going through the court system with visitation with an eventual permanent return to our parents. The Harts had some close friends that they knew were also foster parents and would be willing to keep us. By this point I was entering the 6th grade - middle school.

The Early Years...Part I

I spent some more quality time with Pastor this week. It was 90 minutes of traveling back into time of my childhood. I left the office having learned an important lesson...I had no other choices in my life at the time. 

Let's venture back to when I was very young. I was an only child until I was almost 4. I often wonder what it might have been like, had I been the only child...or the oldest of a few, not 7 kids (on mom's side) and the second oldest of 5 (on dad's side). I never remember seeing my dad or his side of the family until I was an adult. However, I remember bits and pieces of my stepdad's (Alan) side of the family growing up.

Alan married my mom when I was 3. They would have celebrated 35 y ears of marriage this year, had he not passed on nearly 10 years ago. I remember from the get go - I was the stepchild - I was not "his". I was constantly reminded of this growing up. My sister Brandy came in '76 on a cold, wintry January night in Minnesota. I remember this vividly, because we lost our first house and everything in it, in a major fire that very same month. Our neighbor (duplex) left an old water heater on the front porch and it exploded! Our house was old, and had wood floors throughout. We stayed with family for a while and eventually moved to Florida a few years later - I never knew why?!? I don't remember any family in the area. But it set a huge path in my life. Before we left, there was a total of 4 kids: Brandy, Heather '77, and Kizzie '79.

I remember living near the red clay - "dirt" in Florida. I remember my third grade teacher - never understood why - her name - Mrs. Jackie Coppenger. She was an older lady with white hair. I remember that the classes were in a huge room and were just divided by moving walls. My favorite subjects were math and spelling. The next memory I have of Florida was not so happy. The cops came to our door early one morning. You see, Alan went out the day before to get hamburger buns for dinner...and didn't come back that night. I remember my mom crying when they came to the door and I remember her leaving shortly after......and she didn't come back that night either. It turns out that Alan broke into someone's house and tried stealing something. He shot the man and was arrested and went to jail. Apparently, my mom ran off with his cell mate. He was from Tennessee. You see over the next 3 years my mom had also left...she took two of my siblings and left. She left myself and another sibling at a neighbor's house. Two weeks later, after no contact with any family, they turned us over to Division of Family Services.

We spent a few nights in an "emergency" foster home. It was horrible. I remember it being really hot and there being daddy long leg spiders. We only spent a couple of days there. Then we moved into a more permanent foster home. Carmen and Scott became our foster parents for the next 3 years. I was 7, almost 8 years old at the time. I remember crying for my mom. Brandy was barely 4 years old. She had no idea what was going on either. Nothing like this had ever happened before.

The  next time I would see my mom - I would have gained a little brother, Joe '82 and another sister, Amanda '83.

Giving Grace to Others

I have been reading quite a bit lately. Most recently reading Max Lucado's book "Facing Your Giants". It's been an enlightening book. It includes a study guide to correlate with the readings. So, as I read, I will flip back and see some of the questions that Lucado brings up for discussion. One of those questions hit me "upside the head with a 2 X 4" - lovely expression, eh? Well, he may as well hit me with the block of wood, it stood out so much.

Question - "Think about the purveyors of pain in your life. It's one thing to give grace to friends (stood you up for a date, borrowed your favorite shirt and hasn't returned it, took "your" parking spot, etc), but to give grace to those who give you grief? Could you?"

WOW! What a loaded question...however, it was something I needed to look at. There are little things that I get frustrated with friends on (not returning a phone call, meeting up for quick get-together, etc) will let it pass. However, God was asking me - could I forgive Sam and Rocky for what they did? Could I forgive myself for the areas that I blame myself for the abuse? Could I forgive Grandma and other people in my family for allowing it to happen, and yet to allow it to continue?

Throughout the chapter, Lucado talks about David (the same David in David & Goliath) and how he and Saul have gone back and forth and the "opportunities" they had to kill one another for their "wrongdoings" towards each other. Saul is hunting David to kill him and David has this opportunity when Saul entered a dark cave to "relieve himself". David could have killed Saul and his army of 3000 men. It would have brought him down...just like that. However, David told his men to hold back and David himself, goes closer to Saul (in the dark) and cuts off a piece of King Saul's robe. David could have killed him, instead he takes only a piece of the robe instead. David was upset with himself and realized he just "harmed" someone that had been appointed by God himself. When Saul leaves the cave, David follows and tells him, "I could have killed you, yet I didn't." He let him go.

Another opportunity later on again tests David. David comes upon King Saul's camp while they are sleeping. One of his soldiers tells David that God put your enemy at your grasp once again. The soldier was willing to kill. David said no. Instead he took King Saul's speer and water jug and left the camp. Once he was far enough, he shouted out to King Saul that once again his life was spared because he was the anointed one from the Lord.

The Lord occupied David's thoughts on both of those occasions. Instead of acting in vengeance, he looked to the Lord for some solution. This brings me to my life...instead of being filled with hatred, that consumes everything about me, around me and anything else...I should look to something much bigger than I to bring goodness to the situation. It's hard, it's frustrating at times. Sometimes I feel like I am still filled with the hatred and that it turns on me in a split second - changing everything.

Lucado talks about that forgiveness is moving on. It doesn't embrace, endorse or embrace what the wrongdoer does - he discusses that they are still being worked on by God. That was a powerful thought. I think about the wrongdoings in my life; the sin I have committed and still do at times. However, God gives me grace each time. I look back at how far I have come in my life. There has to be that same grace given to Sam, Rocky, and my family. God is still working on them.

Forgiveness - The Next Step of Healing

I spent some time this week with my pastor discussing my first assignment - The Abuse. In the midst of our discussion, he introduced my next assignment...forgiveness, of myself. I wasn't sure if I could complete this next step and definitely not sure as to "how". 


He asked me my definition for forgiveness. I told him that I felt like it was forgetting what happened or to just look past the wrongdoings of someone else. He said that is exactly what forgiveness is. I was stuck on the "forgetting part". I thought, how can I get past this point? I know that this has been the biggest road block in my life and thus has kept me from moving forward. 


I have been reading a lot of verses in the Bible about forgiveness. The Bible defines forgiveness as a "pardon" - this would be like a judge pardoning us for our crimes and saying you can leave prison and that your "time" has been settled. Why doesn't it seem as easy for situations like this? 


Someone talked about writing an inventory about the wrongs that I am holding out on. So let's see...what I am holding on to:


1 - Shame 
2 - Making me feel pleasure in the act
3 - Hatred inside me causing me to hate life and wishing to die
4 - the hold it has on me
5 - lack of building strong relationships with people, lack of trust, 
6 - nightmares
7 - fear of having a physical, sexual relationship with my husband
8- having my own child


These are things that I believe are holding me back or constantly come up when I try to get beyond and make attempts at healing. I think that is what they are too - "attempts" - as valid as they are, I think this time it is more determined than ever before. While in church yesterday morning, I truly felt this. There was a verse that I have heard so many times while in college, after college, etc. It is a verse that I want to hold onto during this time of healing. 

Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV)

Pressing on Toward the Goal

 ¹²Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The verse just really hit a nerve and stuck to me. I really want to forget the past and move on. I know the ways that I am using to "forget" what's happened is not solving anything and is definitely not making it better and is definitely not moving me any closer to healing. 

Am I ready for this? I think so. 

Dear God,

I know that this has been a long time coming and has been in limbo for years. I believe I am ready to forgive myself for feeling the guilt and shame caused by someone else's sins and not of my own. I want to move on and regain my life back from Sam and Rocky. I want to make a new, fruitful life with my husband. I want to sleep next to my husband and be able to comfort him without the triggers happening that causes me to slip back. I want to allow myself to enjoy being with my husband and not thinking it is wrong. I want to enjoy life. I want to be happy and have a positive outlook with things. I want to make the relationship with you and I stronger. Yes,I am committing to that. I know that I have many friends who want what is best for me and is willing to help me travel through this journey. They are praying for me. I am working on the praying myself. I have been reading your Word the last several days and it has really spoken to me a great deal. Just like in worship yesterday with a new song we were learning - "if my God is with me, then who can ever stop me; if my God is for me, then who can stand against me" - so, therefore, I am asking forgiveness of myself in the sins that I committed trying to forget the past and for forgiveness of myself for the guilt and the shame and all the other feelings that I have had. 

Amen. 

I am ready to move on. 

The Abuse

The Abuse
Where do I start? I was 12. I just came back to live with my mom and step dad on a permanent basis; I had been in foster care since I was 7. We left Florida and moved to Texas to be near my grandparents, on my mom's side. My grandma had recently remarried and her new husband had two sons from a previous marriage - Sam and Rocky. Sam was 18 and Rocky was about 14 or 15.

It was decided that we were going to go to the lake to camp. It was a place apparently they went to a lot. The adults slept inside the cabin/house. The kids had tents set up outside. All the older kids were in one tent, the middle ones in another, and the babies were in the house. That left me being the only girl in the older kids tent. I didn't think much about it. I really hadn't ever been camping before - so I looked at it as an adventure. Until the inevitable happened that changed everything.

It was very hot outside and so I was going to sleep on top of my sleeping bag. One of them put his hand inside my pants and started to fondle me. I was terrified! No one had ever done that before. I didn't know what to do. I kicked him away. A few minutes later, he did it again. I crawled out of the tent and went and stood by the adults for a little bit. I was scared. I was 12. Eventually, the adults made me go back into that tent and "sleep". I don't think anything else happened that night; however, it was just the beginning. It was a very long two years living in Texas. I also learned that adults sucked. They didn't listen when you were little and they weren't listening now. I would go to my grandparent's house almost every weekend. And each weekend, I encountered the boys. They were great to hang out with during the day - we rode motorcycles, we went running around - always doing something. the only time during the day that they would mess with me was when we were in the swimming pool or in the lake water. Usually, the adults weren't watching us. The boy's would grab me and hold me close and fondle me through my suit. Then just toss me up, as if they were throwing me out into the water. I guess I just kept going back. They at least paid attention to me. I hated the fact that I had to come back and live with my mom and step-dad. I loved being with my foster family.

There were times when I visited my grandparents house that when we kiss them good-night, that my grandfather used his tongue. I used to think that was really weird. He would hold me tight and close, I couldn't exactly push away. I kind of quit going to him when I would get ready for bed. He used to brush up against my chest as well. I spent 8th grade being driven to school by Sam. He had a really cool red Ford pick up - an old timer's truck. I guess in some ways it was cool to get a ride to school instead of having to take the bus everyday. However, there was a price for it. Of course, I sat in the middle almost every time when I rode with him. It gave him a lot of opportunity to continue "grooming" me. He would always tell me how pretty I looked and complimented me. Of course, he was 17 or 18 by this point. I know he was a senior in high school Of course, after the compliments, came the touching.

Eventually, we moved to Minnesota; closer to my step-dad's family. We moved to Fairmont, MN. I was getting ready to enter into high school. I was away from the guys and no one was going to touch me there. Our first summer there, they came to visit. Us older kids slept outside and everyone else was in the house. Once again, they would fondle me until I would push them off and it would always start up again. It would stop when I would move into the house to sleep. I was 14 by this point.

We stayed in Minnesota for 2 years before moving to Kansas City to meet up with my grandparents; grandma was being transferred by Sprint from Dallas, TX to Overland Park, KS. My parents uprooted us over the Christmas break right before my 16th birthday. We would live with my grandparents and all 3 of their sons (Grandma had a son who was 6 months younger than me) for the first 3 or 4 months. This meant, 3 of us went to school together at the high school nearby. Of course, no one outside the circle of friends, realized we were related. So, Rocky, Jon and I all went to school together. Rocky and I were in the same grade and Jon was a year behind us. This meant we had the same circle of friends and hung out all the time. I did anything to get out of the house. In this house, was 5 adults, 9 kids and 3 dogs. It was a crazy household. So, to get out of the house, I always hung out with Rocky and his friends. It was fine at first. Rocky didn't mess with me much. However, Sam touched me whenever he had the chance; mostly when he was drunk. He would come into my room at night and touch me. I would kick him away and he would eventually leave me be. Sam didn't stay at the house long. He eventually went to live back at his mom's in Oklahoma. Rocky would invite me into his room to watch TV or help him with his homework. Eventually, this led to him fondling me on occasion. He would stop when I would tell him. I didn't want to reject it because he took me places, he got me out of the house. Was this wrong?

Eventually my mom and step-dad found their own place, but I continued to go back and hang out with Rocky and the rest of our friends. I dated a little bit and this is when I found out that the abuse seriously affected other relationships, especially with guys in a physical nature. I didn't put much into at first, but it started to have an impact on everything. I started drinking. Started hanging with people from work who smoked pot, did acid and speed, etc. I had a horrible attitude towards life in general. I think I thought it had more to do with my dysfunctional family life, not the abuse. I was always angry. The abuse only got worse.

When I was 16, I left home for good. I had run away numerous times, but this time I left for good. The only place I could go long term was to my grandparents house. I ended up living with them pretty much until I got married (with the exception of college). However, with my last two years of high school I lived with them. I had a room across from my grandparents room. Rocky and Jon were upstairs and Sam was downstairs in the basement. So, it would start up again, just a matter of time. Sam would take me on motorcycle rides just to get me out of the house. We would hang out on occasion. However, on nights that Sam would go out and drink. He would come back at night and come into my room. I would find him on top of me while I was sleeping. Because he was so drunk, he was heavy and I couldn't move. I would just be stuck with him fondling me and touching my breasts. Eventually, I could push him off. This is when the nightmares started. I couldn't sleep at night anymore, because he came into my room a lot. I couldn't understand how my grandparents who could wake at the sound of the front door opening, didn't know what he was doing to me 20 feet across the hall. No one knew. It continued until Sam left to move back to his mom's again.

The anger continued to build inside. All I wanted to do was drink. And, drink, I did. I drank every weekend from Friday until Sunday. I would come back home and sleep all day Sunday.

On one of these weekends of drinking binges, Rocky and I were at the same gathering of friends. He wanted me to leave with him. I am not even sure where we were going. I think we left to get a pack of cigarettes.

Rocky was very drunk, as was I. Neither one of us should have been out driving. Rocky drove. He drove down the rode and pulled in behind a restaurant in the area. He started just talking and then that led into him wanting oral sex. He wanted me to do this. I told him no. He told me I had to do this or I had to have sex with him. he grabbed my hand and placed it on him and was having me stroke him. I remember crying and asking him to stop. He wouldn't. Eventually he had me laying in the front seat of his car. He had pulled my pants off and was laying on top of me. He tried to force himself inside of me. He tried pushing and I was fighting him to get off. I kept fighting, eventually he stopped. We went home afterwards. I didn't talk to him for days. My grandma was trying to figure it out and I couldn't say anything. I didn't tell anyone.

Impact on my life
How do I even begin to "measure" it's impact on my life? It has affected so much. Here it is almost 20 years later, and I can't get it out of my mind. I think the impact is worse at this point in my life, because I avoided it all these years or kept pushing it away. I drank it away. I tried to kill myself over the memories and the nightmares. I would get high just to relax and make it go away. I used to just plaster my walls in my bedroom with posters and such so that when I would wake up in a nightmare in the middle of the night, I would know where I was at, and would know I was safe. I had so many nightmares over the years.  I sleep a certain way. I used to sleep on my stomach so no one could touch me, including my husband. I would sleep with a pillow in front of me so no one could get to me while I was sleeping. Sometimes I still do. I had nightmares for years. Sometimes I still do. I used to not let myself sleep at night or would just stay up most nights. There was a time right before I got married, Gene and I stayed at my grandma's house in KC for a weekend. Sam came home to see his parents. I barricaded my bedroom door that night, even while Gene was in the same room. I truly thought he was going to come into my room, even with Gene there. For Gene, it was probably one of the first instances of how much the abuse had an impact on me. I didn't know Sam was coming that weekend. Had I known, I wouldn't have come home.

I used to see visions of Sam and Rocky and I would just hit whatever was in front of me - walls, doors, posts, etc. I broke a lot of bones. I had so much anger inside of me. I always wanted to fight. Most people couldn't understand. I guess I couldn't blame them. No one knew. I was 18 before I said anything to anyone and at that - it was still happening.

The biggest impact of the abuse - it hasn't allowed me to be physical with husband without panicking or freaking out. It started with my honeymoon and has continued since. It's been almost 10 years and I haven't had full blown intercourse with my husband. I can't believe I just wrote that. But it's true. I feel like a freak because of it. Who else would be married for a decade and not be able to have sex with their own spouse? I have got to be the only one. I have tried, we have both tried. I get so far - then I go into this "dark hole" and I can't do it. I stop and panic. I just stare into space and I can't function. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I just curl up and sometimes I have such fear in my eyes, that Gene will just stop. He's always been good about that. Gene has never pushed me. However, I know that this has to wear on him. He's a man and he has needs as well - and as his wife - I can't provide for him. I want my own child, and I honestly think I will never be able to achieve that dream because of the abuse and me letting them win this battle.

How do I feel?
I am angry.
I am sad and frustrated.
I am ashamed that I let it happen. I wasn't a 5 yr old being abused by an adult. I should have known better. Why didn't I say anything? Why did I let it continue?
I sometimes wish I were dead.
I am mad at my family for not believing me. I am angry at them for not stopping the abuse.
I am angry with God for allowing it to happen.