I have been working on completing the Bible study - "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. It's the newly updated version of a book she wrote 10 years ago. I had that one too, but never completed it...now that I look back on it...I wasn't ready at the time. It brings in a whole new concept, that God will reveal what he needs to, on His timing (can't believe I am acknowledging this). Just as a side note, this past week, I found out that one of my uncles that molested me and attempted to rape me has been a registered sex offender for 9 years. It was from an event that happened in 1995, right here in KC. I never knew, and my family never said anything. Apparently, they were "unaware". The reason I bring this up is, I am not sure if I would have known back in 2001 that he had been charged and convicted of "rape" to someone else if that would have "healed" me faster or sent me in a deeper hole. Although, it wasn't me who presented him to "justice" - I felt somewhat vindicated that justice was "served", but for me, it was vindication for family members who didn't believe he was "capable of doing what he did to me. It was validation in my life that what happened to me, truly happened because he was a sick & twisted person.
I flipped through the original version of "Breaking Free" to see what my responses were to the assignments back then, that I did complete. The responses were no where near the in-depth responses that I see now in my journaling. Although, knowing what I needed to work on was revealed, it was never followed through. Again, I wasn't ready to dive into this journey.
During this study so far, I have learned a great deal of what I can control and of what I cannot. God's will for our lives is to have freedom in Christ. He wants us free from captivity. Captivity keeps me from living out the reality of Isaiah 64:4 - "Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him." as well as, I Corinthians 2:9 (given to me as a "verse of the day" by a great friend) - "However, as it is written, No eye has seen, no ear has heard no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" Based on this, God has something special for me, something exceptional. I want to know what it is. I want that peace, I want that freedom. Beth's definition for captivity is "a Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God planned for her." How true this is...the bondage and captivity that I have allowed my family, my past, the abuse I suffered, etc., all the bondage that I have allowed to interfere with my life now - my marriage, my children, my job, etc...it's nothing if I am not free from the bondage that holds me back.
She discusses 5 benefits that we have, as a child of God
1) To know Him and believe in Him
2) To glorify God
3) To find satisfaction in God
4) To experience God's peace
5) To enjoy God's presence
I look at those and think...I know that I have believed in a God...I have for a long time. Not sure if I believed in Him specifically. You know when you believe in someone, you believe they can do anything...you believe your child can hit the baseball, or ace the spelling test, or learn to walk or speak their first words. I guess that's easier, because we can "see" it. However, to have a belief in God and to truly believe in Him, you have to rely on faith. Man, that's such a big word! I think that is harder than most anything. To glorify God is just to have Him shine in your life. Where he seeps out in everything you do. You want people to wonder, you want them to know why "things have changed" or "what's happening in your life". You see NFL players "give glory to God" when they point upwards after that touchdown or completed play. I am learning how to give God the glory when I have a great night with tips, or have "just enough" to pay a late bill...or when there is food in the house to make my child lunch for his school day.
I think I struggle with the final 3 benefits the most. I think by looking back at the friends I have "lost" - ones that went away on their own recognizance because I "wore out" their friendship because of my needs...I miss them terribly. They were dear to me and they were a part of my life and a part of my healing process. To me, because of abandonment issues from my own mother, it was another "abandoning" in my life. It caused me to struggle even more so. However, I am learning that it was their goal to have me turning to God, or God's way of taking them from my life, so that I would turn to Him. I hope one day that I will cross paths again with some of those people, to be able to share with them how my life has changed for the better over the years.
I am starting to experience some of the peace that God talks about. I am finding peace of my past. It's been difficult, but I am actually starting to see progress. A year ago, I wanted to die. I didn't want to be here and I didn't want to progress with anything. I was tired. I was done and felt defeated. I quickly watched my downward spiral with my drinking and anger and bitterness that I had on everything around me. I walked out on my family because I felt I had nowhere else to turn. I didn't want to take them with me. I had a confused 12 yr old who didn't understand what was going on with me. This devastated me, I was now abandoning him. Spending this last year working with my pastor and listening, to the words in scripture that my closest friends were sending my way and many intercessory prayers lifted up, I am a much better person right now. The year has been tough, but I can honestly look back and see the growth. I am now starting to see the light in this journey.
I now take my Bible with me when I leave the house for work. When I have stressful days there, I am able to go and read. I also have a paper that I keep in my pant's pocket or in my work box for easy reach when I am without pockets. This is page of scripture that a friend wrote for me. When it's stressful at work and people are "attacking" me, I pull it out and read through it to calm down. Or, I read scriptures in my Bible...I find myself having a hunger for God's word during those struggles. I haven't had that in a long time. I think I am actually starting to enjoy His presence. It's a good feeling, just different. I am also working on memorizing scripture, man I haven't done this in a long time. But, I am doing pretty good - at most of it anyway. When I learn new scripture or come across something that stands out in my studies, I write it on an index card - the big ones :-) and post it on my mirror in our master bathroom. Now, that means, Gene is running out of room to "beautify" himself, but he doesn't seem to mind. He recently told me he was proud to see me reading my Bible more often and studying fervently. It made me feel good.
On a final note, last week I studied about the "ancient ruins". I was asked if I was preserving the ruins or if I was rebuilding. WOW! It hit pretty hard. I think up to this point, I have been preserving the ruins in my life. I have kept a list of "wrongdoings, hurts, bitterness, anger...and always needing someone to blame" including the people who abused me. I am learning that, being justified "in my eyes" and holding onto those feelings, I wasn't doing anything but hindering myself and holding "ME" captive. Although I can't ignore what happened to me, or dissolve my past, I am learning that I can rebuild it to a better and brighter future. From Beth - "Between every unfaithful generation and faithful generation is one person determined to change" - this is ME! I don't want to continue the cycles that my family rolls around in everyday. It's crazy!
