Walking away from his open arms
Feeling unworthy
And undeserving of his love
Trying to walk this road alone
And on my own
My journey hasn’t taken me far,
Through a dark valley
That goes deep…
Below the surface
I slip further away from his outstretched hands
Grasping at his fingers
Should I turn back?
Can I return?
Into His arms I long to run
Bury myself into His embrace
Feel the warmth of His arms wrapped around me
A sense of security that just devours me
And the love I have yearned for
-- Jarusha 4-8-11
This past week has been a stressful one. Gene's been on the road for nearly two weeks now. I am so glad that he has work coming in, but I do miss him. I think back nearly 9 months ago...I wanted a separation from my husband and wanted to go far away. It wasn't even anything that he did wrong, I had so many things to work through still. Now, knowing that I truly "miss" him when he's on the road tells me that I love him very much and couldn't get through this "chapter" in my life without him and glad that we didn't go through with the separation last summer.He'll return in another week or so.
Each night I sleep with a brown, fuzzy teddy bear. It's not my original "Jesus" bear that a dear friend had purchased many years ago, but it's just as precious. I realized this week that this fuzzy bear is mangled nearly every night from my sleeping on him; is like an analogy of Jesus protecting me in my sleep, with his arms wrapped around me with love and warmth. Part of my thinks, wow, at nearly 39 years of age, I still sleep with a teddy bear. What the heck? For me, it's a comfort. It's my protector.
Earlier in the week, I read through my devotional. It talked about running into the arms of our Father in Heaven. I struggle with this. Being able to just "let go, and let God". I thought of my biological dad. He's been gone almost 4 years on April 22nd. Whenever we would go to visit, before we left, it was hugs for everyone. Even the kids, who were not his biological grandchildren. He would always include them in everything. He treated them as if they were his own. That was such a huge impact on me. Loving them without an expectation in return. He accepted them just as they were. God accepts us just as we are, at any given moment in time. We can do no wrongs, not one. I miss the hugs my dad gave me when I would visit. His warm embrace let me know how much he loved me and how much he cared for me. I want to be able to feel that same embrace from my Father in Heaven. I want to be embraced, to know that things will be okay again. I want to feel that sense of security that one feels when joined together, embraced into a hug. My goal is to allow myself to feel the warmth of a true embrace from my Father in Heaven.
