The Empty Chair

I had an assignment from my therapist: To write a letter to my abuser, but I would be reading this letter to an empty chair. It is a technique used to get your feelings out, but not necessarily to that person directly, it's merely there for emotions.

I completed the letter, well 90% of it before I went to my appointment. I thought that was considered successful, considering I had to stop 3-4 times while writing it this week. The emotions stirred created a little havoc this week. While i didn't have nightmares, I did have some rough nights of lack of sleeping without waking up multiple times. I had to read this letter "to the chair" this afternoon. I was about as prepared as I was going to be. I was a little nervous, but my counselor assured me I was ready for this step.

Here is my letter:

Dear Rocky,

As I write this letter to you as I have many times before. I can't help but wonder all the things you took from me. You think I should just leave the past alone and not do anything about it - "letting sleeping dogs lie". I wish I could. I wish I could just walk away from it all. But when the emotions come at me, I am not able to walk away from the memories you left me with. When I just needed a friend, you took advantage of it. You knew I had struggles with my family and used that to your advantage. Being the oldest, I always had to watch after the little kids. I took anything as an out. I willingly went with you or Sam, knowing that there was a possibility of you guys crossing the lines with me. 

I don't understand how you can't accept responsibility in this? Which leads me to only blame myself. And then you have your wife ask me why I am upset with you, because you don't understand why? Duh! Why do you think I'm angry? You took away so much from my. My childhood - which was already shit, my innocence and the emotions to feel loved in an intimate way. I cringe when my emotions are impacted by a simple touch, a smell of beer or cologne someone has on. When I am touched, my body immediately freezes - because I am not sure what's going to happen next. If it's something that starts to feel good, I immediately panic and freeze up. I don't even know how to respond. 

I think the night that angered me the most was the night we left from a party at Billy's house and went to the store to get cigarettes. You had been drinking (a lot) and so had I. On the way back from the store you pulled in down behind Stroud's Restaurant in the parking lot under the Troost Bridge. You parked the car and I think initially we just talked, but eventually you started to touch me. I felt trapped in the car. You asked me to give you a blowjob, and you started to unbutton your jeans. I remember getting upset and saying NO multiple times to you. Then since I wouldn't do that, you made me lay down on the front seat in the car and you proceeded to pull my pants down and you pulled your's down too and spread open my legs and proceeded to force yourself inside of me. You wouldn't stop, even I told you NO several times. You kept trying to force yourself inside of me. I couldn't hardly move, I was so scared and just felt trapped and stuck. You wouldn't get off me. I was crying, upset and you didn't give a shit about any of what I was feeling. Finally, I was able to push you off me. You stopped. I'm not sure if you realized who you were with and what you were doing. I was so upset and angry. We drove back to Billy's house and I was crying. I can't even remember if anyone asked what happened. Later on we drove back to Grandma's house. I went straight to bed. I wanted to block everything out and just be done. I HATED YOU! I was angry. Grandma Ardis couldn't even figure out why I was so angry with you. It was after this point out relationship changed. I no longer wanted to be alone, near you. When we did go to Billy's house, I slept behind Craig -- and used him as my protector. If you came near me - I hit behind him. You always acted if there was nothing wrong; like you couldn't remember any of it. I learned to block it out - but realized I started having nightmares again. Because of what you did, I could never bring myself intimate with Wes. Heck, when I got married, I couldn't ever break through that barrier with my, now, (ex-) Husband. 

When my divorce was finalized this summer, one of the first things that I thought about was the fact, that in my life I have been in two serious relationships. Both relationships ended because I couldn't be "intimate" with the other person, definitely how I seen it anyways. I really thought that both of my relationships ended because of that and blamed myself for everything!!!!.

This journey is a process. Apparently, I was calm as I read the letter (my therapist was off to the side, just in case something went wrong with me) and very direct, very emotional and tears were shed. It's progress, because when this came to light last January, I was a WRECK! Nightmares galore! I was so ANGRY! I will continue this process until I basically wear out my own emotions that are tied to them.

Afterwards, the feelings and emotions of this letter were "placed" into a containment box. One that has a lock and cannot be accessed. I felt better. I was still very nervous. But, better.

A New Journey Begins...

13 days ago, the divorce was settled in court.
13 days ago, I began a new journey, or as someone recently said, "A New Chapter" in my book of life.

It took 11 days to finally just CRY.
And Feel - sadness, anger, anxiety, more anger, and a release...
And accept the fate of the previous chapter in my journey.

I have had so much anxiety inside of my these past few weeks and honestly just not sure where to start with everything. Lots of emotions running through me - and trying to sort out what's "real" and what is just a "reaction" of everything else.

The nightmares haven't returned...yet. I am nervous for this part.

If you would have told me 16 years ago that I would be getting a divorce - I would have called you a LIAR. I don't believe in it. It should be for better or for worse...but the worse was literally killing me. I've tried to think back to where I made the mistake - I am sure that there is a part that I am guilty of in this former relationship. We all have our parts - good or bad - in every situation. I can think of the one thing that really ended the relationship, that I am responsible for. It was the same reason why the only other relationship I've had, also ended...the physical intimacy part. I mean, let's be honest, it's necessary in a relationship. But, I couldn't get past the trauma of my younger years to get past this in any relationship I've had - which is only 2. And when you're struggling in this area, it opens up several cans of worms. I see others that have been in a similar predicament and just "move on" without angst - so, why can't I do the same? Why do I have such a block in this area of my life? It's not fair.

I lost out on many dreams because of this hold on my life. And, I don't want to lose anymore.

How do I move onto this next chapter in my journey? I know I want to be with someone - I really don't think I am supposed to be alone. However, I am scared as hell. I find myself liking a person of interest. I was even bold enough to share that with him recently. I figure, what do I have to lose?!? After expressing those feelings, I thought to myself - "what am I doing?" I don't think I could do this again. This person is also working on his own journey (through no fault of his own). I definitely don't want him to get hurt - he's good natured, kind, funny, thoughtful and I love just talking with him - just in my observations of him in the past year. I didn't put much thought into it, until recently. Sort of caught me by surprise.

In the same breath though, it scares the crap out of me. To my knowledge, he is unaware of my past. You would think it wouldn't matter - or that it shouldn't. But, in my case - it's everything! Somehow it always comes back around. Wish I could be that person who could just walk away from the past and move on. Instead it's in front of me EVERY SINGLE DAY!

It's been so easy to just drown my thoughts into my running and into music. However, it's catching up with me. It's time to face the issue - it's time to take back my life - it's time stop being so frightened when "He" calls, or when I see a picture of "Him". I immediately go into a panic mode and it's horrible. It's just enough to push me onto the edge.....and I am tired of fighting it.

I am ready to write a new "Chapter" in MY BOOK!

I am a Rape Survivor

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Hidden Chaos

It's been just over a year since I have written anything...and so much has happened in this past year.

Anger
Resentment
Abandonment
Rejection
Powerless
Frustration
Fear

So many feelings, so many frustrations and unanswered questions that just keep a constant within my mind. I go from one extreme to the next - from feeling complete helplessness to an overwhelming anxiousness. Many want to help me "fix it" - yet, I don't think it can be "fixed". It's so hard to pretend nothing is wrong and to just be happy. I've allowed the littlest things to antagonize the situation.

I hit things when I get angry - not the smartest idea...but it was better than other opportunities that crossed my path. I am trying to refocus my anger and negative energy through better avenues. I know better. I know my previous responses didn't change anything and only hurt me more as the end result.

So, I have to face the turmoil that is tearing me up inside. This is not going to be an easy battle. I can only hope it doesn't kill me first. I have tried facing this so many times before and to no avail, have never come out on top. It's only made things worse. Friends try to help, but it's hard to let them in to everything that is going on. They know about the pending divorce, they're aware that I have a lot of anger built up inside - but they don't realize the extent of that anger. Upon the recommendation of a good friend/colleague I decided to start seeing a counselor again. Within the initial visit, she had already suggested a book to begin working through, "The Courage to Heal". I knew this book and I knew that I couldn't get past it the first time and was not looking forward to this journey. The anxious feelings, sleepless nights and nightmares were already starting back up. Within two visits, she realized that this was too quick, too soon. A few years back when the nightmares came back during a very rough summer, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

At the time of that diagnosis, I wasn't sure what to think about it. I only thought that came with servicemen who were involved with war zones, etc. However, I am quickly learning that the symptoms that follow with someone who has PTSD is exactly the description of the traumatic events and their impact in my life. So, instead of working through the book above, she has me working through the beginning stages in a PTSD workbook - starting with finding a safe place and trust - two of my non-favorite things. I start to answer the questions through these exercises and I find myself so lost in the midst of them. The last few nights, I have found myself locking my bedroom door, and surrounding myself with my stuffed animal and my dog - with hopes that they will "protect" me, so to speak. I hate going to sleep, because I fear of the nightmares starting up again. So, I am constantly waking up through the night again. UGH! I don't understand why this has such a hold on my life, I wonder if there is something that happened that I blocked out so deep, besides the things I remember. I just can't fathom that the events that I remember could have such a deep scar in my life. When I was in college and struggled going to sleep at night, a friend used to read to me until I went to sleep and would just stay with me while I slept. For some reason, I felt safe at the time. However, couldn't do that forever, right?

While this is going on in the inside, I have to be a professional adult on the outside and seemingly act normal. It is so hard. Some days I just want to run away and cry in a corner, other days I seemingly function - it's like a fricken' yo-yo bobbing up and down.

I am tired.

I hate feeling like a yo-yo.

I am tired of fighting.