The Empty Chair

I had an assignment from my therapist: To write a letter to my abuser, but I would be reading this letter to an empty chair. It is a technique used to get your feelings out, but not necessarily to that person directly, it's merely there for emotions.

I completed the letter, well 90% of it before I went to my appointment. I thought that was considered successful, considering I had to stop 3-4 times while writing it this week. The emotions stirred created a little havoc this week. While i didn't have nightmares, I did have some rough nights of lack of sleeping without waking up multiple times. I had to read this letter "to the chair" this afternoon. I was about as prepared as I was going to be. I was a little nervous, but my counselor assured me I was ready for this step.

Here is my letter:

Dear Rocky,

As I write this letter to you as I have many times before. I can't help but wonder all the things you took from me. You think I should just leave the past alone and not do anything about it - "letting sleeping dogs lie". I wish I could. I wish I could just walk away from it all. But when the emotions come at me, I am not able to walk away from the memories you left me with. When I just needed a friend, you took advantage of it. You knew I had struggles with my family and used that to your advantage. Being the oldest, I always had to watch after the little kids. I took anything as an out. I willingly went with you or Sam, knowing that there was a possibility of you guys crossing the lines with me. 

I don't understand how you can't accept responsibility in this? Which leads me to only blame myself. And then you have your wife ask me why I am upset with you, because you don't understand why? Duh! Why do you think I'm angry? You took away so much from my. My childhood - which was already shit, my innocence and the emotions to feel loved in an intimate way. I cringe when my emotions are impacted by a simple touch, a smell of beer or cologne someone has on. When I am touched, my body immediately freezes - because I am not sure what's going to happen next. If it's something that starts to feel good, I immediately panic and freeze up. I don't even know how to respond. 

I think the night that angered me the most was the night we left from a party at Billy's house and went to the store to get cigarettes. You had been drinking (a lot) and so had I. On the way back from the store you pulled in down behind Stroud's Restaurant in the parking lot under the Troost Bridge. You parked the car and I think initially we just talked, but eventually you started to touch me. I felt trapped in the car. You asked me to give you a blowjob, and you started to unbutton your jeans. I remember getting upset and saying NO multiple times to you. Then since I wouldn't do that, you made me lay down on the front seat in the car and you proceeded to pull my pants down and you pulled your's down too and spread open my legs and proceeded to force yourself inside of me. You wouldn't stop, even I told you NO several times. You kept trying to force yourself inside of me. I couldn't hardly move, I was so scared and just felt trapped and stuck. You wouldn't get off me. I was crying, upset and you didn't give a shit about any of what I was feeling. Finally, I was able to push you off me. You stopped. I'm not sure if you realized who you were with and what you were doing. I was so upset and angry. We drove back to Billy's house and I was crying. I can't even remember if anyone asked what happened. Later on we drove back to Grandma's house. I went straight to bed. I wanted to block everything out and just be done. I HATED YOU! I was angry. Grandma Ardis couldn't even figure out why I was so angry with you. It was after this point out relationship changed. I no longer wanted to be alone, near you. When we did go to Billy's house, I slept behind Craig -- and used him as my protector. If you came near me - I hit behind him. You always acted if there was nothing wrong; like you couldn't remember any of it. I learned to block it out - but realized I started having nightmares again. Because of what you did, I could never bring myself intimate with Wes. Heck, when I got married, I couldn't ever break through that barrier with my, now, (ex-) Husband. 

When my divorce was finalized this summer, one of the first things that I thought about was the fact, that in my life I have been in two serious relationships. Both relationships ended because I couldn't be "intimate" with the other person, definitely how I seen it anyways. I really thought that both of my relationships ended because of that and blamed myself for everything!!!!.

This journey is a process. Apparently, I was calm as I read the letter (my therapist was off to the side, just in case something went wrong with me) and very direct, very emotional and tears were shed. It's progress, because when this came to light last January, I was a WRECK! Nightmares galore! I was so ANGRY! I will continue this process until I basically wear out my own emotions that are tied to them.

Afterwards, the feelings and emotions of this letter were "placed" into a containment box. One that has a lock and cannot be accessed. I felt better. I was still very nervous. But, better.

A New Journey Begins...

13 days ago, the divorce was settled in court.
13 days ago, I began a new journey, or as someone recently said, "A New Chapter" in my book of life.

It took 11 days to finally just CRY.
And Feel - sadness, anger, anxiety, more anger, and a release...
And accept the fate of the previous chapter in my journey.

I have had so much anxiety inside of my these past few weeks and honestly just not sure where to start with everything. Lots of emotions running through me - and trying to sort out what's "real" and what is just a "reaction" of everything else.

The nightmares haven't returned...yet. I am nervous for this part.

If you would have told me 16 years ago that I would be getting a divorce - I would have called you a LIAR. I don't believe in it. It should be for better or for worse...but the worse was literally killing me. I've tried to think back to where I made the mistake - I am sure that there is a part that I am guilty of in this former relationship. We all have our parts - good or bad - in every situation. I can think of the one thing that really ended the relationship, that I am responsible for. It was the same reason why the only other relationship I've had, also ended...the physical intimacy part. I mean, let's be honest, it's necessary in a relationship. But, I couldn't get past the trauma of my younger years to get past this in any relationship I've had - which is only 2. And when you're struggling in this area, it opens up several cans of worms. I see others that have been in a similar predicament and just "move on" without angst - so, why can't I do the same? Why do I have such a block in this area of my life? It's not fair.

I lost out on many dreams because of this hold on my life. And, I don't want to lose anymore.

How do I move onto this next chapter in my journey? I know I want to be with someone - I really don't think I am supposed to be alone. However, I am scared as hell. I find myself liking a person of interest. I was even bold enough to share that with him recently. I figure, what do I have to lose?!? After expressing those feelings, I thought to myself - "what am I doing?" I don't think I could do this again. This person is also working on his own journey (through no fault of his own). I definitely don't want him to get hurt - he's good natured, kind, funny, thoughtful and I love just talking with him - just in my observations of him in the past year. I didn't put much thought into it, until recently. Sort of caught me by surprise.

In the same breath though, it scares the crap out of me. To my knowledge, he is unaware of my past. You would think it wouldn't matter - or that it shouldn't. But, in my case - it's everything! Somehow it always comes back around. Wish I could be that person who could just walk away from the past and move on. Instead it's in front of me EVERY SINGLE DAY!

It's been so easy to just drown my thoughts into my running and into music. However, it's catching up with me. It's time to face the issue - it's time to take back my life - it's time stop being so frightened when "He" calls, or when I see a picture of "Him". I immediately go into a panic mode and it's horrible. It's just enough to push me onto the edge.....and I am tired of fighting it.

I am ready to write a new "Chapter" in MY BOOK!

I am a Rape Survivor

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Hidden Chaos

It's been just over a year since I have written anything...and so much has happened in this past year.

Anger
Resentment
Abandonment
Rejection
Powerless
Frustration
Fear

So many feelings, so many frustrations and unanswered questions that just keep a constant within my mind. I go from one extreme to the next - from feeling complete helplessness to an overwhelming anxiousness. Many want to help me "fix it" - yet, I don't think it can be "fixed". It's so hard to pretend nothing is wrong and to just be happy. I've allowed the littlest things to antagonize the situation.

I hit things when I get angry - not the smartest idea...but it was better than other opportunities that crossed my path. I am trying to refocus my anger and negative energy through better avenues. I know better. I know my previous responses didn't change anything and only hurt me more as the end result.

So, I have to face the turmoil that is tearing me up inside. This is not going to be an easy battle. I can only hope it doesn't kill me first. I have tried facing this so many times before and to no avail, have never come out on top. It's only made things worse. Friends try to help, but it's hard to let them in to everything that is going on. They know about the pending divorce, they're aware that I have a lot of anger built up inside - but they don't realize the extent of that anger. Upon the recommendation of a good friend/colleague I decided to start seeing a counselor again. Within the initial visit, she had already suggested a book to begin working through, "The Courage to Heal". I knew this book and I knew that I couldn't get past it the first time and was not looking forward to this journey. The anxious feelings, sleepless nights and nightmares were already starting back up. Within two visits, she realized that this was too quick, too soon. A few years back when the nightmares came back during a very rough summer, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

At the time of that diagnosis, I wasn't sure what to think about it. I only thought that came with servicemen who were involved with war zones, etc. However, I am quickly learning that the symptoms that follow with someone who has PTSD is exactly the description of the traumatic events and their impact in my life. So, instead of working through the book above, she has me working through the beginning stages in a PTSD workbook - starting with finding a safe place and trust - two of my non-favorite things. I start to answer the questions through these exercises and I find myself so lost in the midst of them. The last few nights, I have found myself locking my bedroom door, and surrounding myself with my stuffed animal and my dog - with hopes that they will "protect" me, so to speak. I hate going to sleep, because I fear of the nightmares starting up again. So, I am constantly waking up through the night again. UGH! I don't understand why this has such a hold on my life, I wonder if there is something that happened that I blocked out so deep, besides the things I remember. I just can't fathom that the events that I remember could have such a deep scar in my life. When I was in college and struggled going to sleep at night, a friend used to read to me until I went to sleep and would just stay with me while I slept. For some reason, I felt safe at the time. However, couldn't do that forever, right?

While this is going on in the inside, I have to be a professional adult on the outside and seemingly act normal. It is so hard. Some days I just want to run away and cry in a corner, other days I seemingly function - it's like a fricken' yo-yo bobbing up and down.

I am tired.

I hate feeling like a yo-yo.

I am tired of fighting.

Chasing Life

The title pretty much sums up how I feel right now. "Chasing Life"

When your days blend in with each other, sleep is non-existent, and your days pretty much seem like a blur...it's time to take a different path. 

I realized after my last post where my initial trigger could have been...it was before the little girl's murder, it was before the jacked up phone call I had...it was a few weeks back. I was informed that I would be getting a former student, again, in my room. 

I am sad to say I am creeped out by this student. It's one thing to have a personality conflict with a student, but this feeling was stretched out beyond that point. 

It sucks!

I am supposed to be the adult in the situation, the professional, yet, I am only human, right? 

I opted not to say anything, what could I have done anyways? I would have had to give a good reason for it not to happen. But, in my line of work, you don't always have those options. It wasn't like I could rush up the people in charge and say...no way in hell. It doesn't work that way. I also don't work for an ogre either. I had simply chosen not to say anything. Even my closest colleagues weren't aware of why my feelings were against this decision. 

Now, this student hasn't done anything to me recently, but the pit of my stomach just drops when he nears. It's that same feeling that you feel when it's something bad, and you know it, but no one has confirmed it yet, kind of feeling. It's a feeling I have every morning. 

I learned something last week, that I had to confront some of those demons in order for me to move forward. While I didn't run to my Bible, I didn't run to a bottle either. I wanted so bad to forget the past couple of weeks (even years of built up demons) and the feelings that continued to build and linger in my daily life. I drowned my entire week with loud music (old "hairband" rock, occasional country and then a little praise and worship...)  - Great balance, huh? I just wanted to drown out any feeling I had. I could have probably went and ran a half marathon, without any current training, with the amount of built up anger and frustration I had inside of me. Yet I would have nightmares each night that intertwined with fears of my past and fears for my students. No wonder I couldn't sleep. Madness. 

I am still trying to make sense of everything. I want to understand why I've held onto this stronghold beyond it's expiration date. It's already taken up too much space and needs to just remove itself. 

A good friend and former colleague of mine shared this tonight...and it speaks for itself. 

"When you are tempted, the devil is revealing something - a part of his plan to you. Be aware of this and use it to your advantage. He could be revealing previous hurt that is unresolved, a weak spot in your character, generational sin where he has a foothold or he simply might be trying to wedge in between your armor. But regardless of exactly what it is - he has revealed himself and now you can fight. An enemy that is not seen is very difficult to defeat..."

I guess it's time to fight. 

Damn Demons

My head must be packed full of crazy, because it's been over two years since I last posted.

This week has been a whirlwind. It started with the violent death of a student in our building. She was 14 years old and brutally murdered. I remember seeing the initial breaking news alert when a female body was discovered at a water park near my school building. My first gut reaction was it has to be someone related to our students. The next morning, an emergency faculty meeting was called before 8:00 AM with news that it was one of our students. It was hard to stomach that one. Not much information has been released about her death. By the end of the day's investigations, I learned that one of my own students was in extreme danger within the same situation, my heart sank even further. All I could think was is she safe, and where she was. She's a student who is overcoming great odds already this year, making more progress than she did last year.

This takes me to Monday night...a phone call...a call that just literally punched me in the gut.

A demon of my past...a demon I once thought was gone from my life, but learning that it's still a stronghold in my life.

If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
the pain that circles in
my head...
you see why I wear my mask...
my mask of disguise.
I can't describe the hurt inside
the pain that runs that hurts
the pain that destroys my life...
I want to be held
I want to feel secure
don't let go
don't ever let go.

If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
you would know why I hurt
my body so.
You would understand the attitude
I hold underneath
the anger that is not far behind
the pain that makes me feel death
my life was taken
my body was used
my trust is gone
and so is my faith...
I was abused.

There is a child within me
that wants to play
a child that wants to come out
each day
my child is in me and is
afraid to come out
the world haunts this child
the child fears many fears
happiness, joy
peace and to feel faith and trust
again
and most of all...love
the feelings inside this child
hurt, ander
rejection and sorrow
for feelings of no tomorrow

they take the child away
off into a far away place
not a happy place
not so beautiful
but full of sorrow

the child fights
fights within...
many battles
many feelings
many wars
the child feels a loss in battles
she holds on tight with
all of her energy
most of the battles are lost
but maybe someday
those battles will be won.
the child slips into a deep sleep
a sleep that scares her...

running
running far away...
til the one day
when
the
battles
are
over.

11-2-1993

I immediately returned to this writing I wrote so many years ago. I constantly feel those demons trying to haunt me. I have struggled to have good sleep this week. I awake many times in the night and feel so exhausted in the mornings.

This phone call I received was from an uncle. This uncle was once a trusted friend, but ruined it so many times over by what he did to me. Actually what he and his brother both did to me. His brother apologized just before I married in 2000. He owned up to his actions. However, I this uncle still has a hold on me. His responses in the past have been "it's so long ago...you need to move on...blah, blah, blah." Back in October he had a severe stroke, one that made family members believe that he would probably die. I had so many mixed emotions back then - was I excited because that could be true? Maybe with him dead that would allow me to just move on????? However, he pulled through...I couldn't believe it! I hadn't seen him in over 2 years (the fall my grandmother passed away). At her funeral it was awful, as he showed and shit just hit the fan. His "wife" didn't understand the anger. Not sure if she knew what happened. It wasn't my place to say, so I never have told her.

So, this phone conversation this week....he calls. Not even thinking I just answered the call. He was calling because he needed a friend. Not sure why I stayed on the line, I probably should have just hung up. Maybe I was thinking deep down he finally came to his senses and was going to own up to how he hurt me so many times. He needed a friend because his dog died, his best friend died and he was just having a bad week. He went on to "reminisce" about growing up together. He was explaining to me that his wife asked about me and who I was. (We're actually only niece and uncle through marriage, not blood relation). He told me that he explained to her that I was his best friend, that he could tell me anything back in the day. He told her I was always there for him, etc. Then he brought up some events that happened during the "good moments" and was chattering about these times. Not once did he ever bring up what he did that hurt me so long ago. Not once! He mentioned that his stroke(s) this year have really hampered his mind and his memory. He didn't even remember trying to call me twice in the last month (of which I never answered, nor returned).

I don't get it. God spares his life multiple times over, I spend a great chunk of my life hurting....I don't get it?!?!?!

I don't even know where to go from here....I get so lost in my thoughts and feel trapped, not sure where to turn. I know where old habits took me, and I have no desire to go that direction...so I just feel trapped. It's like my words above....I just keep fighting in this battle....

Losing Control

The past month has felt like a madhouse. I am not even sure what direction to turn. I have kept most of it bottled inside because of my position at work - working at being a professional and being consistent with it. I have people around me who seem to "have it altogether" and it's frustrating. I know that people are not perfect by any means, but at the same time - it sure seems like it.

I took on my new position at work and have many things to "fix" because it's now evident in areas that we weren't doing it correctly. So, now I have to step it up and enforce things and I feel like the "bad guy" - even though, I know in the end - we'll have the best results because of these changes. But, it's a tough position, but a good challenging one. I like the challenges, but sometimes feel like I am losing control.

Another area of feeling a loss of control has been my past and getting past this "one" area in my life. We have a crew member who works for us during the summer, who also has the same name as one of my uncles who abused me...I cringe every time I call his name and even when I have to write it out...and he's a great kid! That's how I know how this is the final step in getting past the past - this is the area that has the hold on me. But why? It's taken away so many things from me, some of the biggest areas - intimacy and being a true parent to someone that belongs to me. Today's verse was about "the Lord hears the desires of our heart..." - so, if I believe this, are these just not "true desires" of my heart? I have begun questioning myself on this...

This other area encompasses a few things - mostly our finances. We make good money for the average family...however, not entirely smart with it. My husband started his own business several years ago, unfortunately without good advice as to how to start it and run it correctly on the financial side of things. Because of this, taxes got behind, etc. Now, we're in a crazy situation with a substantial amount of debt, debt that some people find themselves in with credit cards, etc. No, we're in debt with the government, probably until I am dead. Because I have the "regular" job, they came after my check first (from the state of Missouri) - and started taking wages back in June. I have 180 days before they will stop that. After a few weeks, I have just gotten used to what they were taking. A new budget if you will. About two weeks ago, I had a personal visit from the IRS agent from the federal level. She talked with me about some papers she needed, etc. I gathered the papers, but wasn't able to get them to the offices in time. I delivered them the next day - unbeknownst to me, I was unaware that she would proceed with the next step, the very next morning. I was so upset and frustrated over it. They were due on Monday, I delivered on Tuesday morning first thing - (mind you, she was out of the office from Tues-this past Tues) - however, she left paperwork in place if we hadn't shown up on Monday. By Wednesday, she had levied my husband's check (which was for rent), and by Friday, apparently paperwork was sent to our bank to levy our bank accounts, including our "child's account" by Tuesday of this week, the levy went through (without us aware) - mind you, I blew up her business phone for three days straight trying to make contact, there's no one else to answer phones, the phone system there is so jacked! I literally cried in tears all the way home last night...I was so beside myself - that someone running in to me or me just putting my car into a wall barrier was one of many thoughts that crossed my mind last night. Not sure why I never went through it...but I didn't, but the thoughts just engulfed my mind constantly. I came home and just cried myself to sleep. This morning, my fears were confirmed, indeed it was a levy on my bank account. I couldn't do anything about my paycheck that is direct deposited on Friday (although, they are already taking 25% of that) and what was left was going to be snagged. In my eyes, I had nothing...I had bills to pay, and no means of paying them. I don't have family to turn to with these fears. It's not an option.

In my eyes, my only option was to just die.

I haven't been in that place in my life in a long time.

Someone asked me why I just don't "divorce" my husband - because it's his doing and he should have known better, etc. Granted he should have known, although I had question it on a few occasions, nothing was ever done about it. I am ANGRY with him, VERY ANGRY - but what can I do? To me, it's not grounds for divorce...I should have put my foot down a long time with this stuff.

I am angry with God, I am angry with him because I feel like he should have given me a stronger husband. Someone who was strong with their finances (I was never shown, as my family cheated every welfare, government agency, or anything with money my entire life) - someone who didn't have debt coming into our marriage (my only regret, not fixing debt before we were married, it would honestly be the 1st thing I would have changed) - I have a few friends who are married who have awesome spouses - doing something special on anniversaries, birthdays and "just because" - spouses who are great with their money, Godly, strong men...I have had a few close friends who've made comments that my husband and I are more "roommates" than a married couple - that we are so far apart, you wouldn't realize that we are married. I think sometimes he is right. I don't know how to fix it, I don't know if it can be fixed.