Putting on the Armor

Reading about Jonathan (son of Saul) and his armor-bearer in I Samuel this evening. how this man was obedient to him through "heart and soul" - as Jonathan is to his God. They were to go into battle. Jonathan told him that they were going to move forward. Jonathan told him that if it was the Lord's will today, that they will do well, if not, it wasn't meant to be done through them, on that day.

Now, when are soldiers are sent to battle, we prepare them with the "tools" necessary to hopefully survive.

When we go into our personal battles, delve into our past hurts, wrongs, convictions - whatever, we are provided with tools to get through the battle. It's up to us to decide if we are going to use these tools and how we will use them. I would think of these "tools" as something tangible - something that I will hold on and use to "fight" this battle I am inside of. However, that is not the case.

The tool provided to me right now is prayer. I think 24 hours ago, I would have laughed...but tonight, I am starting to see this differently. In Ephesians, we are instructed to put on the full armor of God. Instructed! We are flat out told to do it. In whatever we do, wherever we go, or wherever we are - put on the armor of God so that we are protected.

So tonight, in my prayers to the Lord, I asked him to help put that armor on me. As, it has always been available to me - but I have not been using it correctly. I want him to place that armor on me so that I am protected from the evil around. To feel secure and at peace.

Now, I am ready to go into my battle.

Forgiveness

"Forgiveness is for moving forward, not for forgetting. To forget means to lose the lesson learned from the experience"

The above statement is something that was posted on a friend's Facebook status last week. It's something that has stuck with me for about a week now. I thought forgiveness meant to forget what happened. So many people use this word with forgetting. I wonder if this is what makes moving forward so damn hard.

He was in town a few weeks back....and I didn't even know it.

I made a phone call.

I didn't even know what I was going to say when he answered the phone. Why was I calling anyway? Part of me wanted to yell and scream when he answers, and part of me just wants to know if he will accept what he did to me so many years ago. Who was I kidding?!?!

That phone call was to my uncle - one of the two that abused me. As of last year, he still thought he had dome nothing wrong. Told me to get over it and move on. I was so angry when we had this "conversation" last year. His older brother had admitted years ago what he did, and accepted anything I had to say to him. Why does this one have such a hold on my life?

What was I expecting in this phone call? I haven't even told my husband that I called him, much less that I actually talked to him. I also haven't told him that he was in town either. I didn't see him. I found out three days later. I know he's a registered sex offender in the state of Oklahoma. I came across that information on their Case net for the state. Of course, when I talked with him the other day (all of a few minutes) - he mentioned that he's been sober since last March (courtesy of the state of Oklahoma) and that he's working right now. He also made the comment that his lawyer is working on having the offender status removed from his file. Apparently, it was to be removed years ago (now, that is his version).

I'm not sure what I was expecting from this conversation. Does his stopping drinking make it better? Does it excuse his behavior so many years ago?

I haven't talked to him since.

So, what is this "lesson" I am supposed to be learning from this entire hold on my life? My best friend told me that she wants me to have "hope" in this new year. She talked about the joy I should experience with my husband. How happy I would be. Although she has not experienced the same situation in her life, she has been very supportive of my best days and my worst days since before my wedding day, as if she had walked the same shoes. She doesn't have to be there, but she is. She cares for me. She loves me...and our friendship helps me move forward.

I can vent, scream, yell, cry...whatever. She gets into my face (even on the phone) - she holds me accountable - she will straight up ask "those" questions...the ones that many others are afraid to ask - and the ones I am afraid to talk about. But there is something about those conversations we have...they're special. Even when both of our lives are crazy...she makes time for me...and it means more than she'll ever know. She has challenged me this year to make baby steps and set little goals for myself. sometimes those steps are flippin' scary...and sometimes I feel like I am taking two steps forward.

So, I am asking for prayers....I have to move forward. It is time.