Fighting Within - November 1993

The last few months I continue to fight battles inside. I constantly feel like I am losing this battle. I am probably losing because I am allowing myself to lose. I have reached a point in my life that I am tired of fighting and feel like I am at a crossroad and not sure how to turn. I have reached this point before - and somehow have allowed myself to reach this point again. 


I used to write a lot about my feelings. Here's a poem I wrote in 1993 shortly after trying to kill myself. I guess I should be thankful for my friends who found me and took me to the hospital. It was a scary time in my life and the start of opening up wounds that I didn't want to work through. 


Fighting Within


If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
the pain that circles in
my head...
you see why I wear my mask...
my mask of disquise.
I can't describe the hurt inside
that pain that runs that hurts
the pain that destroys my life...
I want to be held
I want to feel secure
don't let go
don't ever let go.

If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
you would know why I hurt
my body so...
you would understand the attitude
I hold underneath
the anger that is not far behind
the pain that makes me feel death
my life was taken
my body was used
my trust is gone
and so is my faith
I was abused.

there is a child within me
that wants to play
a child that wants to come out
each day
my child is in me and is
afraid to come out
the world haunts this child
the child fears many fears
happiness, joy
peace and to feel faith and trust
again
and most of all...love.
the feelings inside this child
hurt, anger
rejection and sorrow
for feelings of no tomorrow

they take the child away
off into a far away place

not a happy place
not so beautiful
but full of sorrow
the child fights
fights within...
many battles
many feelings
many wars
the child feels a loss in battle
she holds on tight with
all of her energy
most of the battles are lost
but maybe some day
those battles will be won
the child slips into a deep sleep
a sleep that scares her...
running
running far away...til the one day
when the battles
are over.