Open Arms

Walking away from his open arms

Feeling unworthy

And undeserving of his love

Trying to walk this road alone

And on my own

My journey hasn’t taken me far,

Through a dark valley

That goes deep…

Below the surface

I slip further away from his outstretched hands

Grasping at his fingers

Should I turn back?

Can I return?

Into His arms I long to run

Bury myself into His embrace

Feel the warmth of His arms wrapped around me

A sense of security that just devours me

And the love I have yearned for

-- Jarusha 4-8-11

 This past week has been a stressful one. Gene's been on the road for nearly two weeks now. I am so glad that he has work coming in, but I do miss him. I think back nearly 9 months ago...I wanted a separation from my husband and wanted to go far away. It wasn't even anything that he did wrong, I had so many things to work through still. Now, knowing that I truly "miss" him when he's on the road tells me that I love him very much and couldn't get through this "chapter" in my life without him and glad that we didn't go through with the separation last summer.He'll return in another week or so.

Each night I sleep with a brown, fuzzy teddy bear. It's not my original "Jesus" bear that a dear friend had purchased many years ago, but it's just as precious. I realized this week that this fuzzy bear is mangled nearly every night from my sleeping on him; is like an analogy of Jesus protecting me in my sleep, with his arms wrapped around me with love and warmth. Part of my thinks, wow, at nearly 39 years of age, I still sleep with a teddy bear. What the heck? For me, it's a comfort. It's my protector.

Earlier in the week, I read through my devotional. It talked about running into the arms of our Father in Heaven. I struggle with this. Being able to just "let go, and let God". I thought of my biological dad. He's been gone almost 4 years on April 22nd. Whenever we would go to visit, before we left, it was hugs for everyone. Even the kids, who were not his biological grandchildren. He would always include them in everything. He treated them as if they were his own. That was such a huge impact on me. Loving them without an expectation in return. He accepted them just as they were. God accepts us just as we are, at any given moment in time. We can do no wrongs, not one. I miss the hugs my dad gave me when I would visit. His warm embrace let me know how much he loved me and how much he cared for me. I want to be able to feel that same embrace from my Father in Heaven. I want to be embraced, to know that things will be okay again. I want to feel that sense of security that one feels when joined together, embraced into a hug. My goal is to allow myself to feel the warmth of a true embrace from my Father in Heaven.

At a Crossroad....

It's been a few months since I have posted about my journey. There has been a few changes in our home. I am now fully employed again, as a teacher. This is the second time in my teaching career where I have taken over a classroom mid-year. It's a challenging experience - but a fun one. I am now the proud owner of about 95 12-yr old children until May 27th. I will have to reapply for my position for next school year, per district policy. It's been nice actually having to get up and go to school each day, albeit tiring, as I am still working at the restaurant - full time too.

As with my other "journey" in life...I am at a crossroad. I last spoke with my pastor in January. It was time that I moved on to another counselor to tackle the next hurdle in this journey. I am actually getting past that "brick wall" that was in front of me...and able to climb through a window and open the next door. I can see where I am ready to go through the next step, but very nervous...and afraid.

My busy work schedule for the past month has caused me to miss a lot of church and not able to spend time within a positive surrounding that would bring encouragement to my daily activities. Back in January, I had a friend who told me about her challenge in listening to K-LOVE for 30 days and how that brought encouraging words to her each day. I wanted that. So, I set all of my radios to 97.3. I listened to the music, prayer and encouraging words as much as I could. Even listening online on my phone or on the computer (at school and work both). God's word was all around me all the time. I have been listening to the lyrics of many of these songs...one such song is "What Love Really Means" by JJ Heller. It talks about who will love you (or me), regardless of what we have done...God's love is always there. Today while listening to the station, a young man named Eric, from San Francisco, CA - called in. He was ready to jump from the Golden Gate Bridge, but heard God's voice and then in several instances heard God speaking to him. It reminded me of where I was at a little over a year ago.

"Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means


*******


Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew"


Another song that I have held close to my heart recently is "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. 

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, "it is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

Chorus:
I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God, fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

And I hear the voice of many angels sing, "worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart, "worthy is the Lamb"

It's helping me realize that I will overcome my past and there is truth in God's Word. I think it's taken me forever to just believe it completely in my heart, that he is providing for me. I am learning to put all of my trust in His Word and believe that He will be the reason that I can surpass my past and enjoy my marriage with my husband, the way it should be. 


I continue to ask for prayers that I can be open with my husband as I go through this next leg of my journey and that I continue to go to God in prayer with my needs, fears, and praises. I believe this next year will be another year of growth, growing closer to Him.