Acceptance and Prayer

WOW - what a week (or two) it's been! My mind has been on overload! Lots of thinking during my runs, while I am trying to sleep, and even while at work (although, I have other things to focus on while there). Our pastor has been working us through the study of Job the last few months. Sadly, with my work schedule, I have hit the messages only a few times; but as well know, we always seem to be at the "message" right when we need to be. Imagine that?

The earliest notes that I have from those "messages" was from November 27, 2011. It was the first Sunday during Advent this past holiday season.

Romans 8:26-27 In the same way, the Spirit helps [me] in [my] weakness. [I] do not know what [I] ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for [me] with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches [my] heart knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the Saints in accordance with God's will. 


The message was about "Hope" and "Surrender" - two words that probably are just as much opposites as they go hand in hand with each other. In order to have "Hope" we have to surrender it all up to Him, and have faith that He will take care of it. An immediate verse comes to mind, Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. But this verse continues on in verses 12-14...something I have not noticed before...Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you. Declares the Lord, and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile. Hope is God given! Hope is something we all have from the time we are little. Which little girl hasn't hoped for Prince Charming to come and take you away on his white horse and give you the fairy tale life? When boys are little, most hope to become a hero - a firefighter, a police man, or the coolest wrestler --- but at some point in our lives, the innocence is taken - and their hopes disappear. Why do we allow people to take away our hopes?

As the "message" continues through the season...I have learned that long term suffering can mess with your mind...and boy does it. But, I have also learned that there are some solutions....

1) Stick with the Word of God
2) Stay in fellowship with other believers
3) Find someone to pray with - one that will w/you, for you, etc.
4) Serve others
5) Worship

Sounds easy, doesn't it?

"When you find your way shrouded in darkness, wait for the Lord to give you light in His time, don't try to manufacture it or borrow it from others" - Unknown

I guess that phrase above reminds me not to "reach" so hard to find the answers, but that in His time, things will come to me. Not to overload myself to a point where I want to just "give up" and there's been plenty of those "chicken exits" over the years.

"No soul will ever grow deep in the spiritual life unless God works passively in that soul by means of the Dark Knight" -- St. John of the Cross

WOW! God continues to work inside of me - not by means of shoving and being aggressive. God knows our hearts and also knows when we need the little shove, but isn't like that 24/7. Good thing, because I would probably shove him away. He knows when I need to know something - he releases that information as I am ready for it - so, with Job, it took 43 chapters for him to find the Lord in the purest sense. Job can't find God (Job 23:1-9), but God knows where Job is at (Job 23:10-13), he doesn't understand God (Job 23:13-14), Job is afraid (Job 23:15-16), and of course he trusts in Him and won't quit (Job 23:17). It doesn't matter if we haven't "found" God, He knows where to meet us, all the time.

and now we are in April...the story continues...Job is being prepared to hear from God.

Have you ever Petra's song "Creed"?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UZO1k5cEVA&feature=related

Being a very young Christian (into many "worldly" things - my friend introduced me to the music of Petra)

So, when PL gave the message of the Apostle's Creed on my birthday, it brought me full swing about things of being an early believer.

Apostle's Creed

I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth:

And in Jesus Christ, his only begotten Son, our Lord:

Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the Virgin Mary:

Suffered under Pontius Pilate; was crucified, dead and buried: He descended into hell:

 The third day he rose again from the dead:

He ascended into heaven, and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty:

From thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead:

I believe in the Holy Ghost:

I believe in the holy church: the communion of saints:

The forgiveness of sins:

The resurrection of the body:

And the life everlasting. Amen.

I wrote down many thoughts that came to my mind that morning...

those that don't believe in a God - who do they pray to when they are hurting? Who do they ask for things when they are needed? Isn't it harder to not believe? Why do I believe? What makes God real to me? 

Job 32-37 - Elihu speaks, preparing Job to hear from God. I think there's a book named after me - with about 100+ chapters in it, where I am being prepared to hear from God myself :) 

and this brings me to last week's message..."Job's Missing Ingredient" and probably for me the most outspoken and most directed to me. Job was a godly man - he had everything! He had a family, home, job, livestock, and even servants. He feared God and steered away from evil. Then...Satan was allowed to afflict harm to Job, with the Lord's permission, but he could not harm Job himself. The point was that Satan said that Job would basically curse the Lord if everything was taken from him; that it was the only reason Job "loved" God - was because of all he had. 

It is often said that God punishes us for evil, or at least it feels that way - but, truly it is not to be a punishment. These are trials in our lives that brings us closer to Him in the end. It takes 43 chapters for Job to come to that realization. It was that realization that brings me full circle in my own life. 

Despite Job's faith, knowledge and "hearing" God - he now had EYES OF FAITH and SPIRITUAL UNDERSTANDING and could now ACCEPT GOD'S PLAN FOR HIS LIFE! 

So, I have spent the latter part of the year moved away from the continuous journey that I have had the last 28 years - I have journeyed through a huge portion of it, but it goes back to that "long term suffering" that continues to be a hold on my life. I know that I have this last hurdle to jump through (an knowing it's not going to be an easy "jump" - I have avoided it) - but I also know that once I have completed this obstacle, that I will also have those "eyes of faith" and "spiritual understanding" for my life. I have come to terms that I need to accept His plan and move forward. 

* I want more

* I am ready to tell God (A.C.T.S)

* I am ready to open myself up for His response and ready to receive

I am starting a prayer journal again. Hoping to open myself up for His responses. 

Reliving Childhood Memories

I live in a pretty decent subdivision in a small town outside of a large metro area. I live in a nice, relatively clean house. It has a couple of bedrooms, space for everyone. Laundry occasional piles and every now and then a few dishes might pile up - but nothing compared to what I saw the other night, and what it was like when I was younger and the memories that just flooded me shortly afterwards.

We have a neighbor that we have known for a couple of years. He has 2 young "tweens" and a crazy "ex" that lived in that house, as well as a few animals. Due to the crazy "ex" - the house has been frequented by local law enforcement on a regular basis. Nothing had been done until last week, until an unfortunate chain of events took place on our block. My neighbor "M" had a mild stroke on a Sunday morning. After a couple of days, the hospital sent him home. The very next morning he had a severe stroke that caused serious damage to his brain. My neighbors who live directly next to me took in the two kids and are currently taking of them.

My neighbor and I decided that we would help "M" out and help clean his house and make it a better place for when he would return home (at the time we had no idea that his condition would worsen and that coming back home would be an option in his future). We went over around midnight and literally spent the next 6 and 1/2 hours cleaning, or making a dent to the cleaning. There's cluttered, dirty, etc. but we decided that his house was beyond that point. Several bags of trash were taken out. We went through 5 vacuum cleaners (seriously) making the attempt to clean the floors. We never found a wash cloth in the house (which would become something important to know about later).

You may wonder why I am sharing this information...why it is that this was so impacting to me. I haven't had a good night's sleep since I argued with my neighbor "M" about not wanting to fix his situation with the "ex" and keeping harm's way away from his kids. I was so angry with him for not wanting to ensure a safe environment for him and his children. I had to walk away from the situation. I couldn't do anything about it.

Going into his house the other night, flooded me with memories of how we used to live when we were younger. I remember the house just being filthy. Dishes always piled up, laundry everywhere. The few times that our house was cleaned was when we knew Children Services was coming for a visit. I don't think we always lived that way. When I was 7 or 8, my step-dad was arrested for breaking into a house and committing a crime. I remember the cops coming to our door and telling my mom something and then we were taken over to the neighbors. It was two years before she "came" back. We spent the next two years going back and forth to the security of the foster home and to my parent's (mom & step-dad) house. Children's Services worked on transitioning us back to their home. I remember we would have visits at the DFS Center for a couple of hours. Then we moved to visits outside of the center for a period of time on a Saturday afternoon. Then eventually overnights and then weekends. I remember going to the foster family and having to learn many new things. Apparently we must have been very dirty and not "healthy". I remember going to get shots, going to the dentist, shopping for new clothes, etc. We had baths and haircuts, etc. We must have been pretty dirty.

The  situation with our neighbor and his family brought back many of my own memories. Some of our neighbors have never dealt with a mental illness or with the "dark" secrets of a dysfunctional family. There are others who mirror it. So, who's better for it? Who wins? I am not sure anyone ever wins in situations like this.

I watched a 12 year old, cry out in pain, telling a 50+ year old social worker that she didn't feel safe at home with her mom. That she was told on more than one occasion that her mom was going to kill herself and take the kids with her. The social worker only responded that they were being cared for in the last 9 months with mom and dad both in the house (they've been divorced for some time). Since they had food, shelter, clothing, etc. that the kids could return to the house that night, assuming dad was coming home from the hospital. I couldn't believe what he was saying to her. What a crock to our justice system! It was that same system that always sent me back to live with my mom and step-dad. Even though we returned when I was 12 (and in that time gained a new sister and a new brother, and another sister on the way), we returned to the system again when I was 15. It didn't help that there were other things going on during this time in my life.    I always wondered if the "so-called" system did what was best "for the child".

I often wonder how different my life would have been if I had been allowed to be "adopted" by my foster parents, instead of being returned to my parents. This past week just drained me - both emotionally and mentally. Just when I think I am further away from my past, something happens and returns me back to when I was 8 or when I was 12...