Chasing Life

The title pretty much sums up how I feel right now. "Chasing Life"

When your days blend in with each other, sleep is non-existent, and your days pretty much seem like a blur...it's time to take a different path. 

I realized after my last post where my initial trigger could have been...it was before the little girl's murder, it was before the jacked up phone call I had...it was a few weeks back. I was informed that I would be getting a former student, again, in my room. 

I am sad to say I am creeped out by this student. It's one thing to have a personality conflict with a student, but this feeling was stretched out beyond that point. 

It sucks!

I am supposed to be the adult in the situation, the professional, yet, I am only human, right? 

I opted not to say anything, what could I have done anyways? I would have had to give a good reason for it not to happen. But, in my line of work, you don't always have those options. It wasn't like I could rush up the people in charge and say...no way in hell. It doesn't work that way. I also don't work for an ogre either. I had simply chosen not to say anything. Even my closest colleagues weren't aware of why my feelings were against this decision. 

Now, this student hasn't done anything to me recently, but the pit of my stomach just drops when he nears. It's that same feeling that you feel when it's something bad, and you know it, but no one has confirmed it yet, kind of feeling. It's a feeling I have every morning. 

I learned something last week, that I had to confront some of those demons in order for me to move forward. While I didn't run to my Bible, I didn't run to a bottle either. I wanted so bad to forget the past couple of weeks (even years of built up demons) and the feelings that continued to build and linger in my daily life. I drowned my entire week with loud music (old "hairband" rock, occasional country and then a little praise and worship...)  - Great balance, huh? I just wanted to drown out any feeling I had. I could have probably went and ran a half marathon, without any current training, with the amount of built up anger and frustration I had inside of me. Yet I would have nightmares each night that intertwined with fears of my past and fears for my students. No wonder I couldn't sleep. Madness. 

I am still trying to make sense of everything. I want to understand why I've held onto this stronghold beyond it's expiration date. It's already taken up too much space and needs to just remove itself. 

A good friend and former colleague of mine shared this tonight...and it speaks for itself. 

"When you are tempted, the devil is revealing something - a part of his plan to you. Be aware of this and use it to your advantage. He could be revealing previous hurt that is unresolved, a weak spot in your character, generational sin where he has a foothold or he simply might be trying to wedge in between your armor. But regardless of exactly what it is - he has revealed himself and now you can fight. An enemy that is not seen is very difficult to defeat..."

I guess it's time to fight. 

Damn Demons

My head must be packed full of crazy, because it's been over two years since I last posted.

This week has been a whirlwind. It started with the violent death of a student in our building. She was 14 years old and brutally murdered. I remember seeing the initial breaking news alert when a female body was discovered at a water park near my school building. My first gut reaction was it has to be someone related to our students. The next morning, an emergency faculty meeting was called before 8:00 AM with news that it was one of our students. It was hard to stomach that one. Not much information has been released about her death. By the end of the day's investigations, I learned that one of my own students was in extreme danger within the same situation, my heart sank even further. All I could think was is she safe, and where she was. She's a student who is overcoming great odds already this year, making more progress than she did last year.

This takes me to Monday night...a phone call...a call that just literally punched me in the gut.

A demon of my past...a demon I once thought was gone from my life, but learning that it's still a stronghold in my life.

If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
the pain that circles in
my head...
you see why I wear my mask...
my mask of disguise.
I can't describe the hurt inside
the pain that runs that hurts
the pain that destroys my life...
I want to be held
I want to feel secure
don't let go
don't ever let go.

If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
you would know why I hurt
my body so.
You would understand the attitude
I hold underneath
the anger that is not far behind
the pain that makes me feel death
my life was taken
my body was used
my trust is gone
and so is my faith...
I was abused.

There is a child within me
that wants to play
a child that wants to come out
each day
my child is in me and is
afraid to come out
the world haunts this child
the child fears many fears
happiness, joy
peace and to feel faith and trust
again
and most of all...love
the feelings inside this child
hurt, ander
rejection and sorrow
for feelings of no tomorrow

they take the child away
off into a far away place
not a happy place
not so beautiful
but full of sorrow

the child fights
fights within...
many battles
many feelings
many wars
the child feels a loss in battles
she holds on tight with
all of her energy
most of the battles are lost
but maybe someday
those battles will be won.
the child slips into a deep sleep
a sleep that scares her...

running
running far away...
til the one day
when
the
battles
are
over.

11-2-1993

I immediately returned to this writing I wrote so many years ago. I constantly feel those demons trying to haunt me. I have struggled to have good sleep this week. I awake many times in the night and feel so exhausted in the mornings.

This phone call I received was from an uncle. This uncle was once a trusted friend, but ruined it so many times over by what he did to me. Actually what he and his brother both did to me. His brother apologized just before I married in 2000. He owned up to his actions. However, I this uncle still has a hold on me. His responses in the past have been "it's so long ago...you need to move on...blah, blah, blah." Back in October he had a severe stroke, one that made family members believe that he would probably die. I had so many mixed emotions back then - was I excited because that could be true? Maybe with him dead that would allow me to just move on????? However, he pulled through...I couldn't believe it! I hadn't seen him in over 2 years (the fall my grandmother passed away). At her funeral it was awful, as he showed and shit just hit the fan. His "wife" didn't understand the anger. Not sure if she knew what happened. It wasn't my place to say, so I never have told her.

So, this phone conversation this week....he calls. Not even thinking I just answered the call. He was calling because he needed a friend. Not sure why I stayed on the line, I probably should have just hung up. Maybe I was thinking deep down he finally came to his senses and was going to own up to how he hurt me so many times. He needed a friend because his dog died, his best friend died and he was just having a bad week. He went on to "reminisce" about growing up together. He was explaining to me that his wife asked about me and who I was. (We're actually only niece and uncle through marriage, not blood relation). He told me that he explained to her that I was his best friend, that he could tell me anything back in the day. He told her I was always there for him, etc. Then he brought up some events that happened during the "good moments" and was chattering about these times. Not once did he ever bring up what he did that hurt me so long ago. Not once! He mentioned that his stroke(s) this year have really hampered his mind and his memory. He didn't even remember trying to call me twice in the last month (of which I never answered, nor returned).

I don't get it. God spares his life multiple times over, I spend a great chunk of my life hurting....I don't get it?!?!?!

I don't even know where to go from here....I get so lost in my thoughts and feel trapped, not sure where to turn. I know where old habits took me, and I have no desire to go that direction...so I just feel trapped. It's like my words above....I just keep fighting in this battle....