The War in my Heart
Letting go of the pain
learning to laugh again
doing away with unhappy
tears of the hurt and of the
loneliness through the years.
Fighting a spiritual war
inside my heart, allowing God
into my heart not just the outside layer
but letting him bury himself deep into
my heart and soul,
past the black box of pains,
past the buried sins and into
my hidden chamber of happiness.
Fighting, fighting, fighting
fighting 'til there is no more
no more pain, no more hurt
it's time to close the door to the past,
time to move on
it's time to go
Allowing God all the space into my heart
Is what I know getting older,
moving on and learning as I grow
reading the Book,
the Book of Life
will lead me through 'til I am gone
Friends are there, so few that help
me through despair
There's one that I can count on...
there's one that truly cares
I am here...Jesus is there
allowing him to work is so hard...
can't I just take it back?
Work faster..I want it now
working harder without a doubt
Allow Him to in come in
Allow Him to work within
giving Him my desire
showing God my heart's on fire
8-8-95
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Letting Go - August 1995
Letting Go
Leaving the past of a painful youth
growing old and getting through
through the roughest years
dealing with the many tears
letting it go
letting it all go
feeling the soft felt touch
soft touch on my shoulder
the love I've yearned so much
the love, the feelings,
the thoughts
left behind
and yet what's left is a peace
of mind, so I pray that the
love will stay
it's a start of a brand new
day
leaving out the rejection
longing for the hug and
affection.
Letting it go
Letting it all go
open the box
letting the sad memories out
letting the hurt,
the pain,
letting it loose
going on with my life
no more sadness, no more fear
no more running
depending on the ONE above
from here on out
Running for joy
happiness I shout!
the heart starts beating once again
Life fills inside
my eyes are shining
Shining for love
letting it go
letting it all go
letting the pain disappear
letting the hurt go away
nothing but happiness I want to hear
8-3-95
Leaving the past of a painful youth
growing old and getting through
through the roughest years
dealing with the many tears
letting it go
letting it all go
feeling the soft felt touch
soft touch on my shoulder
the love I've yearned so much
the love, the feelings,
the thoughts
left behind
and yet what's left is a peace
of mind, so I pray that the
love will stay
it's a start of a brand new
day
leaving out the rejection
longing for the hug and
affection.
Letting it go
Letting it all go
open the box
letting the sad memories out
letting the hurt,
the pain,
letting it loose
going on with my life
no more sadness, no more fear
no more running
depending on the ONE above
from here on out
Running for joy
happiness I shout!
the heart starts beating once again
Life fills inside
my eyes are shining
Shining for love
letting it go
letting it all go
letting the pain disappear
letting the hurt go away
nothing but happiness I want to hear
8-3-95
Searching for a New Beginning - January 1995
As I look back through this poem - I feel the hold it has on me. I have some of these same feelings now. During this time period, my poems stopped getting as dark as the previous poems. This poem shares the lost feelings that I endured wanting to come out of the hole I felt trapped in for so long, one that I feel trapped in now. What is it about this cycle that causes it to come back around? It's like riding a merry go round and not being able to get off and wondering when it will stop. It's not so much looking for that new beginning, but being able to accept going into that new direction as well. I think that is the hardest part coming through the fire - being able to take those risks to make that next leap. Part of that, I think is what holds me back for long and not allowing myself to move from the turmoil.
Searching for a new beginning
Journeying down an endless road
searching for a new beginning
in life, scouring my endless options
searching for a new beginning
less tears and a new life
something other than sadness
and despair
something better
a little more faith from
beyond
a prayer to fulfill
a life to succeed
take these burdened sorrows
away oh Lord.
my eyes hurt from many shedding tears
let me speak my peace
let me die for my sins
Lord, my insides hurt so much
inside
my eyes water as I remember
the many wrong things my
memories spin before me
as to remind me of the past
I long for the love you have
for me
But where is it?
I am lonely and I feel hurt,
jealous behavior rides within me
and I am lost
and oh so confused
I am frustrated by many
and made happy by so few
Lord, point me to a new direction
and search for me a new beginning...
lead me into a new life
help me search for a greater happiness
bring unto me a new strength
of hope and of less sorrow
for a greater look at another
tomorrow
my needs seem forgotten
the feeling of hopelessness
and despair
and I feel as if I'm losing yet
another battle...
I see people possess the
happiness that I desire
and I question myself, why?
why can't I have that feeling?
1-3-95
Searching for a new beginning
Journeying down an endless road
searching for a new beginning
in life, scouring my endless options
searching for a new beginning
less tears and a new life
something other than sadness
and despair
something better
a little more faith from
beyond
a prayer to fulfill
a life to succeed
take these burdened sorrows
away oh Lord.
my eyes hurt from many shedding tears
let me speak my peace
let me die for my sins
Lord, my insides hurt so much
inside
my eyes water as I remember
the many wrong things my
memories spin before me
as to remind me of the past
I long for the love you have
for me
But where is it?
I am lonely and I feel hurt,
jealous behavior rides within me
and I am lost
and oh so confused
I am frustrated by many
and made happy by so few
Lord, point me to a new direction
and search for me a new beginning...
lead me into a new life
help me search for a greater happiness
bring unto me a new strength
of hope and of less sorrow
for a greater look at another
tomorrow
my needs seem forgotten
the feeling of hopelessness
and despair
and I feel as if I'm losing yet
another battle...
I see people possess the
happiness that I desire
and I question myself, why?
why can't I have that feeling?
1-3-95
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
My House -- November 1994
My House
closing my eyes and my mind
thinking, walking through
the rooms of my house,
deciding my turn of fate
I look beyond the stairs and
go into the living room
the room of friends and room
of wonder
creativity scattered
small ones running freely
joyfully, happy
turn into the hall and go down
the steep stairway beyond
and beneath is the bedroom
full of bright colors and
creatively covered walls
walls that help me to forget
and to help me realize my
surroundings when I awoke
the walls of wonder, that they are called,
explaining my innerself
room of quietness and content
room of friendship and realizations
up the stairway, back into the hall
I walk out the front door to a world of evil and misfortune
some beauty and some happiness
but full of reality and bad memories
Out the gate and into the street
look beyond the trees and
into the eyes of others, see the hurt,
see the disguise of many
is it real?
have we been honest with ourselves?
is there the love
and happiness that many talk about?
back into the hallway and up through the stairs
beyond the attic,
the door is locked....
you push and you tug....
...it won't budge.
have you accepted?
do you believe?
can you trust again?
ask for the help...
see ye and the door shall become open
in your mind you're frustrated
and angry because
the door will not open....
stop a minute and realize,
accept it as it is
become as you are, believe it
and trust
and love....
....the door opens
opening into a room of beauty
the clouds are white as
untouched fallen snow, gold as beautiful
as a diamond ring, twinkling in your eyes
Standing before you is the
greatest love you'll ever see
the love that bounds forever
here before me are the
friends forever and the discovery of my inner peace....
I open my eyes and wonder where will the faith that I have take me...
11-19-94
closing my eyes and my mind
thinking, walking through
the rooms of my house,
deciding my turn of fate
I look beyond the stairs and
go into the living room
the room of friends and room
of wonder
creativity scattered
small ones running freely
joyfully, happy
turn into the hall and go down
the steep stairway beyond
and beneath is the bedroom
full of bright colors and
creatively covered walls
walls that help me to forget
and to help me realize my
surroundings when I awoke
the walls of wonder, that they are called,
explaining my innerself
room of quietness and content
room of friendship and realizations
up the stairway, back into the hall
I walk out the front door to a world of evil and misfortune
some beauty and some happiness
but full of reality and bad memories
Out the gate and into the street
look beyond the trees and
into the eyes of others, see the hurt,
see the disguise of many
is it real?
have we been honest with ourselves?
is there the love
and happiness that many talk about?
back into the hallway and up through the stairs
beyond the attic,
the door is locked....
you push and you tug....
...it won't budge.
have you accepted?
do you believe?
can you trust again?
ask for the help...
see ye and the door shall become open
in your mind you're frustrated
and angry because
the door will not open....
stop a minute and realize,
accept it as it is
become as you are, believe it
and trust
and love....
....the door opens
opening into a room of beauty
the clouds are white as
untouched fallen snow, gold as beautiful
as a diamond ring, twinkling in your eyes
Standing before you is the
greatest love you'll ever see
the love that bounds forever
here before me are the
friends forever and the discovery of my inner peace....
I open my eyes and wonder where will the faith that I have take me...
11-19-94
Hidden Tears - October 1994
Hidden Tears
tears falling in streams from
my tired eyes
hiding my sorrow in a bitter
disguise
flowers wilt
as I still feel the guilt
from my sinful past
as I yearn to go forward
so freely and painless
there's a burden that
holds me so
my mind races
as my body just
quietly follows behind
as I smoke and drink
my sinful past away
the hurt still lingers
in the air
it surrounds the hidden smiles
of a frightful child
buried down below
passing through a doorway
a doorway of blooming flowers and blue skies
where sorrow is none
still the old door is not yet
closed, I push to close the
door to destroy my past
the door remains open and
the hurt is still strong
as I walk the golden road of freedom
looking for the things I long most...
peace...
and
love.....
10-15-94
tears falling in streams from
my tired eyes
hiding my sorrow in a bitter
disguise
flowers wilt
as I still feel the guilt
from my sinful past
as I yearn to go forward
so freely and painless
there's a burden that
holds me so
my mind races
as my body just
quietly follows behind
as I smoke and drink
my sinful past away
the hurt still lingers
in the air
it surrounds the hidden smiles
of a frightful child
buried down below
passing through a doorway
a doorway of blooming flowers and blue skies
where sorrow is none
still the old door is not yet
closed, I push to close the
door to destroy my past
the door remains open and
the hurt is still strong
as I walk the golden road of freedom
looking for the things I long most...
peace...
and
love.....
10-15-94
Where's God? - April 1994
Where's God
facing the long road ahead
turning my back
trying hard not to look behind
where my family has left once again
leaving me with friends
who don't understand
Where's God.....?
Looking helplessly around my surroundings
I see no one
I hear not a sound
nothing inside that I feel
Still, where is God....?
The wounds heal, they say
but, when?
When can I walk ahead?
When can I stop turning back?
When will the pain stop hurting...
When will God help me?
death is easier than dealing with the pain,
it's easier to just go insane
its easier to just turn away
away from the goodness
away from the sun and the stars
put the mask on
so everyone can see
maybe, just maybe, those so-called friends will leave.
Why God, why, why don't you just let me die?
no one listens,
no one cares....no even God
if they did
why weren't they there
no one stopped the pain
things happen they say
they also say to forget it
I can't
it happened...
Live with it
I have too....
I can't love
and I can't be loved
why put faith and trust into anything or anyone
Promises are broken
hearts are crushed again
and even greater pain is added to the
already blazing fire
why live?
just so I could be hurt,
yet another time?
why bother?
I can't do it anymore...
no more pain
no more broken promises
no more sun....
4-24-94
facing the long road ahead
turning my back
trying hard not to look behind
where my family has left once again
leaving me with friends
who don't understand
Where's God.....?
Looking helplessly around my surroundings
I see no one
I hear not a sound
nothing inside that I feel
Still, where is God....?
The wounds heal, they say
but, when?
When can I walk ahead?
When can I stop turning back?
When will the pain stop hurting...
When will God help me?
death is easier than dealing with the pain,
it's easier to just go insane
its easier to just turn away
away from the goodness
away from the sun and the stars
put the mask on
so everyone can see
maybe, just maybe, those so-called friends will leave.
Why God, why, why don't you just let me die?
no one listens,
no one cares....no even God
if they did
why weren't they there
no one stopped the pain
things happen they say
they also say to forget it
I can't
it happened...
Live with it
I have too....
I can't love
and I can't be loved
why put faith and trust into anything or anyone
Promises are broken
hearts are crushed again
and even greater pain is added to the
already blazing fire
why live?
just so I could be hurt,
yet another time?
why bother?
I can't do it anymore...
no more pain
no more broken promises
no more sun....
4-24-94
Fight to Survive - April 1994
After trying to commit suicide, the university gave me a year off - told me to get my grades up and that they weren't expecting me to return. I spent that next year just struggling. I couldn't talk to my family. They were still disappointed in my choice of trying to "end it" and how I was solving my problems that they didn't want to hear what was really going on in my inside. They wanted to dust everything under the rug and pretend "it" never happened. They wanted that little black box to be discarded. The problem was...my life was in that little black box.
I continued having my nightmares and couldn't sleep. I was so overwhelmed with fighting to save my very life. No, it wasn't cancer, it wasn't an illness...it was my past that haunted me all the time.
Here's another poem that I wrote during this time time period.
Fight to Survive
The sun comes down
that day ends
night falls...
for me it's just a beginning
I have to fight...
fight to survive!
The life box opens
feelings crawl out
I have to fight those feelings
fight to survive!
Don't let it haunt me
push'em away
dodging bullets--
leaving lifelong scars behind
fears tormenting my inside
trust falls back once again
I have to fight
fight to survive!
Close the box
leave it alone
bury it deep
deep inside
can't fight anymore
can't fight to survive...
4-6-94
I continued having my nightmares and couldn't sleep. I was so overwhelmed with fighting to save my very life. No, it wasn't cancer, it wasn't an illness...it was my past that haunted me all the time.
Here's another poem that I wrote during this time time period.
Fight to Survive
The sun comes down
that day ends
night falls...
for me it's just a beginning
I have to fight...
fight to survive!
The life box opens
feelings crawl out
I have to fight those feelings
fight to survive!
Don't let it haunt me
push'em away
dodging bullets--
leaving lifelong scars behind
fears tormenting my inside
trust falls back once again
I have to fight
fight to survive!
Close the box
leave it alone
bury it deep
deep inside
can't fight anymore
can't fight to survive...
4-6-94
Feelings to Hide - November 1993
I constantly feel like I have to hide my feelings. Almost like it is too much for people to bare. So, not to hurt anyone or ask too much of a friend...I just "fake" that happiness just to avoid it all.
Here's another poem I wrote during those early years of trying to patch up my life.
Feelings to Hide
I see the pain before my eyes
I see my friends happiness
and I fill with anger and despise
I want to see the beauty they see
I want the happiness
and peace of being free
free of my broken heart
free of my pain
this is my body
this is my domain
how can a person describe
the hurt?
how can someone know how
I feel?
my trust was robbed
my faith may never heal
the innocence of a child was taken
as quick as a thief could steal.
I see the long road ahead
sleepless nights
filled with frights
the thoughts of that dungeon
of which I call a bed
When will the pain end?
When will the pain stop?
If only I could defeat
this wall
this wall of molded blocks
someone may get too close
could they see the real me?
will they like me?
could I let them?
no...
I couldn't
no one understands
I must keep it all inside
I have to hide
can't let the pain show
I have to show them happiness
they must see my smile glow
if they see the hurt
they will know
they will run
they will hide
...just as my feelings have inside
11-17-93
Here's another poem I wrote during those early years of trying to patch up my life.
Feelings to Hide
I see the pain before my eyes
I see my friends happiness
and I fill with anger and despise
I want to see the beauty they see
I want the happiness
and peace of being free
free of my broken heart
free of my pain
this is my body
this is my domain
how can a person describe
the hurt?
how can someone know how
I feel?
my trust was robbed
my faith may never heal
the innocence of a child was taken
as quick as a thief could steal.
I see the long road ahead
sleepless nights
filled with frights
the thoughts of that dungeon
of which I call a bed
When will the pain end?
When will the pain stop?
If only I could defeat
this wall
this wall of molded blocks
someone may get too close
could they see the real me?
will they like me?
could I let them?
no...
I couldn't
no one understands
I must keep it all inside
I have to hide
can't let the pain show
I have to show them happiness
they must see my smile glow
if they see the hurt
they will know
they will run
they will hide
...just as my feelings have inside
11-17-93
Please, Please - April 1995
Another poem, another moment in life.
Please, Please...
Working with the destruction
and now inner peace within me
I find myself twirling around,
such as a violent tornado on
it's worse path
please, please take my hand
hold it gently
and help me make you
understand
the pain, the hurt within me
I look to the stars, in hopes
that my wishes and dreams
are heard so quickly
to be taken seriously, I must
push myself so hard
taking out past frustrations
on old harsh habits is
such a waste of time
please, please take gently my
body and give me a gracious
hug, tell me things will be
okay, show me the way
I want to speak, but I feel no one
will listen
I want to be understood, but no one
can understand
the pain, the hurt that lures
behind me
the painful memories I still
find at the bottom of the
bottle, ones that I begin to
wonder if they ever will
putting trust into a person is
like handing myself over to a
prisoner,
I can't...
believing in myself or in
anyone, having faith in people
or friends is minimal
I can't...
please, please take my hand
please, oh please understand
help me talk
I ask of you
please listen
I beg of you
help me walk this long, rough
walk...
please, please
the emptiness and sorrow
within my heart
As I watch the small amount
of life inside me that slowly
drifts and begins to depart
please, please take my
shaking hand, allow me to
help you understand
let me explain
all I ask is that you listen
openly, and help me leave the pain
please, please this is my demand
please, oh please can you understand?
lift me up, up into your arms
show me the happiness and peace I so long to desire
express the love I so longingly
deserve
please help me, my heart and soul as
red as a bright lit fire.
4-29-95
Please, Please...
Working with the destruction
and now inner peace within me
I find myself twirling around,
such as a violent tornado on
it's worse path
please, please take my hand
hold it gently
and help me make you
understand
the pain, the hurt within me
I look to the stars, in hopes
that my wishes and dreams
are heard so quickly
to be taken seriously, I must
push myself so hard
taking out past frustrations
on old harsh habits is
such a waste of time
please, please take gently my
body and give me a gracious
hug, tell me things will be
okay, show me the way
I want to speak, but I feel no one
will listen
I want to be understood, but no one
can understand
the pain, the hurt that lures
behind me
the painful memories I still
find at the bottom of the
bottle, ones that I begin to
wonder if they ever will
putting trust into a person is
like handing myself over to a
prisoner,
I can't...
believing in myself or in
anyone, having faith in people
or friends is minimal
I can't...
please, please take my hand
please, oh please understand
help me talk
I ask of you
please listen
I beg of you
help me walk this long, rough
walk...
please, please
the emptiness and sorrow
within my heart
As I watch the small amount
of life inside me that slowly
drifts and begins to depart
please, please take my
shaking hand, allow me to
help you understand
let me explain
all I ask is that you listen
openly, and help me leave the pain
please, please this is my demand
please, oh please can you understand?
lift me up, up into your arms
show me the happiness and peace I so long to desire
express the love I so longingly
deserve
please help me, my heart and soul as
red as a bright lit fire.
4-29-95
Fighting Within - November 1993
The last few months I continue to fight battles inside. I constantly feel like I am losing this battle. I am probably losing because I am allowing myself to lose. I have reached a point in my life that I am tired of fighting and feel like I am at a crossroad and not sure how to turn. I have reached this point before - and somehow have allowed myself to reach this point again.
I used to write a lot about my feelings. Here's a poem I wrote in 1993 shortly after trying to kill myself. I guess I should be thankful for my friends who found me and took me to the hospital. It was a scary time in my life and the start of opening up wounds that I didn't want to work through.
Fighting Within
If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
the pain that circles in
my head...
you see why I wear my mask...
my mask of disquise.
I can't describe the hurt inside
that pain that runs that hurts
the pain that destroys my life...
I want to be held
I want to feel secure
don't let go
don't ever let go.
If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
you would know why I hurt
my body so...
you would understand the attitude
I hold underneath
the anger that is not far behind
the pain that makes me feel death
my life was taken
my body was used
my trust is gone
and so is my faith
I was abused.
there is a child within me
that wants to play
a child that wants to come out
each day
my child is in me and is
afraid to come out
the world haunts this child
the child fears many fears
happiness, joy
peace and to feel faith and trust
again
and most of all...love.
the feelings inside this child
hurt, anger
rejection and sorrow
for feelings of no tomorrow
they take the child away
off into a far away place
not a happy place
not so beautiful
but full of sorrow
the child fights
fights within...
many battles
many feelings
many wars
the child feels a loss in battle
she holds on tight with
all of her energy
most of the battles are lost
but maybe some day
those battles will be won
the child slips into a deep sleep
a sleep that scares her...
running
running far away...til the one day
when the battles
are over.
I used to write a lot about my feelings. Here's a poem I wrote in 1993 shortly after trying to kill myself. I guess I should be thankful for my friends who found me and took me to the hospital. It was a scary time in my life and the start of opening up wounds that I didn't want to work through.
Fighting Within
If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
the pain that circles in
my head...
you see why I wear my mask...
my mask of disquise.
I can't describe the hurt inside
that pain that runs that hurts
the pain that destroys my life...
I want to be held
I want to feel secure
don't let go
don't ever let go.
If you could see the hurt
in these eyes
you would know why I hurt
my body so...
you would understand the attitude
I hold underneath
the anger that is not far behind
the pain that makes me feel death
my life was taken
my body was used
my trust is gone
and so is my faith
I was abused.
there is a child within me
that wants to play
a child that wants to come out
each day
my child is in me and is
afraid to come out
the world haunts this child
the child fears many fears
happiness, joy
peace and to feel faith and trust
again
and most of all...love.
the feelings inside this child
hurt, anger
rejection and sorrow
for feelings of no tomorrow
they take the child away
off into a far away place
not a happy place
not so beautiful
but full of sorrow
the child fights
fights within...
many battles
many feelings
many wars
the child feels a loss in battle
she holds on tight with
all of her energy
most of the battles are lost
but maybe some day
those battles will be won
the child slips into a deep sleep
a sleep that scares her...
running
running far away...til the one day
when the battles
are over.
Monday, March 29, 2010
My Goliaths
I have always enjoyed reading any book written by Max Lucado. He's always written it straight forward and to the point. The imagery and the word choice he uses just lifts the words right off of the page. Currently, I am reading "facing Your Giants". I am only in the 3rd chapter, but I am relating to a lot of the information already.....
The book starts out by sharing the story of David & Goliath. Many of you have probably heard the story a million times. It uses this same imagery about how big Goliath was and how meek of a young lad that David was. Either way, David slayed Goliath with a pebble....something so small, yet he defeated "his Goliath".
Max Lucado states in his book "First thoughts of the morning, last worry of the night--- your Goliath dominates your day and infiltrates your joy" - this is a Goliath. This is exactly how I feel my life cycles through each day. My "Goliaths" just dominate my existence each day. I struggle with peace and happiness on a daily basis and I can't do it anymore.
What are my Goliaths? What blocks me from seeing life in a positive manner? I feel like that there are so many Goliaths in my life, that it consumes by being each day. It affects my relationship with my husband, my "children", my friends, my job and my future. It consumes me so much that I am not able to focus and constantly (as a friend puts it) - "stuck in a rut". I get so frustrated in this rut.
The Goliaths in my life:
The book starts out by sharing the story of David & Goliath. Many of you have probably heard the story a million times. It uses this same imagery about how big Goliath was and how meek of a young lad that David was. Either way, David slayed Goliath with a pebble....something so small, yet he defeated "his Goliath".
Max Lucado states in his book "First thoughts of the morning, last worry of the night--- your Goliath dominates your day and infiltrates your joy" - this is a Goliath. This is exactly how I feel my life cycles through each day. My "Goliaths" just dominate my existence each day. I struggle with peace and happiness on a daily basis and I can't do it anymore.
What are my Goliaths? What blocks me from seeing life in a positive manner? I feel like that there are so many Goliaths in my life, that it consumes by being each day. It affects my relationship with my husband, my "children", my friends, my job and my future. It consumes me so much that I am not able to focus and constantly (as a friend puts it) - "stuck in a rut". I get so frustrated in this rut.
The Goliaths in my life:
- Sexual abuse from the past
- Intimacy with my husband
- Having my own child
- Relationships with my family
- Depression & Suicidal thoughts
- Anger
- a return to substance abuse
- obtaining work to situate our finances
- Dwelling on the past
These Goliaths consume me each day...and I am tired.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Missing Dad
I met my dad when I was an adult, almost 28 actually. It was a fluke that I physically found him. I have always looked for him as long as I can remember. His name had always been listed on my birth certificate - Rodney Neil Aldrich. Of course there were always stories on "why" he wasn't around or whatever happened to him being a part of my life. From what I can tell it was my mom's doing. Not sure EXACTLY what happened...however, I know this much, I am glad I kept looking.
I was able to spend 9 years getting to know my dad before he died. He died April 22, 2007. He was diagnosed with Multi-myeloma, cancer of the bone marrow in April 1998...the spring before I met him he had finished his 1st round of chemo.
In some aspects I feel cheated not getting to have more time with him. He had his mistakes and his faults and I was able to overlook that. I was in the room the moment he died. It was one of the hardest things I have had to endure. It's never a good thing to hear about death, but to be right there when it happened, it's just that much harder to fathom.
My husband and I would take the kids up to visit dad and his wife Linda almost every February during the long 4-day weekends from school. We went up to celebrate their wedding anniversary in February 2007. Dad had a cold and had been under the weather a lot that winter. His cell counts also were not what they should have been. As we spent the weekend up there, he got sicker over the weekend and I told Gene that I wouldn't be surprised if I received a phone call by the end of the week he would be sicker and probably in the hospital. We left that weekend with dad a little weaker, but doing okay. Never in my mind did I expect that phone call the very next weekend.
The next weekend I was presenting at a teacher's conference at Tan-Tar-A Resort. We were getting our last minute presentation items, when I got the phone call from my sister saying that dad was in MICU (Medical Intensive Care Unit) at Hennepin Medical Center in Minneapolis. Now, mind you, Minnesota was blasted with a HUGE snowstorm the previous day. My step-mom had called for an ambulance and the police officers were kind enough to shovel part of the driveway for her to get her car out and a path for the EMTs to get my dad out on the stretcher. She would keep me posted as there wasn't much I could do being 500 miles away. Gene and I braved the next snowstorm that had shut down most of I-35 from KC to Minnesota and drove up there the following weekend. I spent a few days up there and then returned. Dad was very cranky that weekend, but could recognize everyone. The boys (Brad, Jarrod, and Ryan) were all getting the "lectures" of what they should be doing....Stacey and I were just there visiting.
This was the first of MANY weekends back and forth from KC to Minneapolis. I was fortunate enough to have the time off from teaching and the finances to do this. I continued back and forth from end of February until mid-April. The week of my birthday, dad called to wish me "happy birthday" and my sister Stacey thought it best that I come back that entire week to visit. Dad was in probably the best shape at this point. Things would probably get worse from here. I don't think I thought his death would be as close as it was and I wish I had asked a lot of questions about things that I wanted answered.
During these last several weeks of dad's life and actually since the death of my Grandma Fran (dad's mom) in June of 2006, Stacey (my sister) and I became closer. I am not sure if dad knew that or not at the time. But, it was probably something he had hoped would happen. Up to that point, Stacey and I had seen each other, but hadn't really had a lot of conversations about our "life". During that last year, she and I became closer than I think some of my siblings that I knew my entire life have ever been. Probably a blessing in disguise. She's 4 years older and I like that. She filled in a lot of those blanks that I wanted answered.
I left on April 16th for a week's visit with my dad. He was still in the hospital - and had been since February. He was actually in good spirits and looked fairly well. I stayed with my sister Stacey each time I visited - her couch was getting pretty comfortable. That and late night hockey games on TV with my brother in law. One of the days I spent my brother Ryan and I met up to visit with dad for the day. When dad would rest, Ryan and I would catch up on life. On Thursday that week, dad had a final round of radiation. Linda came up to spend the day with us. I went downstairs to the radiation appointment with them. It was a long day. Dad was tired when he was done, but recognized me immediately afterwards. Apparently, there were side effects when he had the medicine. I spent the evening watching news while dad had his hospital dinner. He was doing fairly well considering. I went ahead and headed back to Stacey's house, as I would be leaving the next morning to return back to KC for a track meet on Friday.
I left early on Friday morning and headed back to KC. I arrived just in time for the meet. On Saturday morning, I got up early and started cleaning the house. Each time I left to go back to Minnesota, there were 3 "bachelors" in the house...Gene, Corey and Will (a friend's son who lived with us at the time). Needless to say, there was always laundry, dishes, and heavy duty cleaning when I returned; not to mention I had just missed a week of teaching. So, I had plenty to catch up. Around 10:30 that morning while I was at Walmart, I received a phone call from Stacey. She told me dad had lost a lot of blood on Friday night and early Saturday and he had been placed back into MICU, that the prognosis wasn't good. I asked her if I needed to come back and she said to wait until her next call. I finished up my shopping and headed back to the house. I called Gene to let him know what was going on. There was a chance I would be driving BACK to Minneapolis before the weekend was over. I think realization started to sink at this point.
What I didn't know was at the time they would call, dad was being bathed and changed so that he had fresh clothing on, at the same time final rites were also being issued. All of the family was also in the waiting room...waiting on the member of the family to arrive...me. I left KC city limits by 6:30 AM and arrived in Minneapolis by 1:30 PM -- Dad died at 2:15. He waited for me. I was in the room surrounded by my sister Stacey, my Grandpa Pat, Linda, and a few others. He had waited for me. He talked to me and I just waited. He held my hand and knew I was there. As soon as he past, Linda looked at me and told me that he had waited for me to arrive. Afterwards, Stacey, Ryan and I all left the hospital. It was down pouring outside. It was cold. When I started up my truck, Bon Jovi's "Making a Memory" was on the radio...how appropriate. I just sat there for the longest time just crying.
The next few days were tough. Family, funeral, burial....everything was dragged out because he was to be buried at the military cemetery up in Little Falls, MN, near his mom. I did this without Gene being with me. It was hard. I really needed him there.
When I returned back to school another week later, I was "welcomed" to a club that you never want to join, the loss of a parent. Several of the colleagues I worked with had lost a parent in the last two years. Not the club I wanted to sign for. I had already lost my step-dad 7 years prior.
So, why is this coming up now? Not sure. I miss my dad tremendously. Sometimes I feel like it wasn't fair that he was taken away so early. I didn't get to spend a lot time with him. I mean, I had almost 9 years...but still...I think we had a lot of time to catch up on and I wanted that. I used to love calling him late at night just to talk about whatever. His phone contact was in my phone for almost 2 years before I finally changed it to Linda and not "dad'. He was great just to talk to. He was great to my "kids". I think he used the grandkids to catch up on the things he didn't get to be involved in as a younger parent. Either way, he was good to the kids, and they loved him for it. I have tons of pictures of the kids with my dad when they were younger and the trips we took up north. I can't believe it's been almost 3 years...
Friday, March 26, 2010
Another roller coaster ride of life
I "opened" my blog several weeks back; however, it is taking me awhile to decide how I want to start.
Life has once again been a roller coaster and we are working on the upside-down curves...and I don't like it one bit. I am frustrated beyond belief and struggle with talking about it because I have to "keep" my feelings positive when I am at work, when I talk about being frustrated at home - I get Gene frustrated with it and he keeps saying "he'll take care of it" - part of me blames him for some of our current struggles and it's hard to think he is going to make it all better right now...and that's not a positive thing to say about my husband of almost 10 years. So...I just keep it all bottled inside and sadly, feel like blowing at any moment.
After moving around the US for almost 2 years, Gene lost that very same job in December. It's frustrating that we trusted these people and took a risk leaving his family behind, his daughter, my job, etc. He made good money for his time and work. Apparently, he wasn't very "aggressive" in his work anymore and they decided to let him go, without any notice. One month's severance pay and what he had accrued in his retirement and 3 months later - he is still without a job. He had one side job that paid for some of the bills and he's working on looking for additional work.
I didn't get the management position I was vying for and was asked to work on a few things and reapply. It was disheartening to say the least. I really thought I had this job in my reach, as well as many others around me. I was stoked! I really thought I had it. Even though he had no job, we could squeak by on management pay. It would at least be consistent. Right now I am working as an hourly most days and a few serving shifts to balance it all out. It's not enough to cover half of the bills...and I am not sure what else we can do. We lost our truck a few weeks back since we couldn't pay for it. I am afraid we won't have rent for April and we have a "tight-ship" for a rental management company. There is no grace period whatsoever. After scraping rent for last month - we had to come up with an additional $70 for the late fees.
Since we can't claim Sara and Corey - my "income" would technically support Gene and I as far as any services go in the area. So, that is not an option. My family doesn't have ANY money to lend us and his family is already tight with two college tuitions and caring for Gene's parents, there's not much left either. I haven't found any money tree seeds yet either - if you find them, let me know. So, it's eeking by until I find out otherwise.
I am so frustrated with this. I am angry with myself for not making better choices. I am embarrassed about the entire situation. What do I do?!?!?! I can't cut a break to save my life. Just before Gene lost his job, I made a decision to work on some things from my past that are blocking me from moving on into my future. It required a counselor to work on some of those issues. From the doctor's diagnosis, I also started medication that would allow me to sleep and to lower my anxiety levels with everything. It was actually helping me focus better and get some desperately needed sleep too. Unfortunately, without the extra income and no longer having insurance - I am not able to currently access those services right now. Even with insurance, the counselor had already placed me on the sliding scale fee, because it was cheaper than my co-pay (go figure) - even still, it's considered a "luxury" in my eyes next to my bills. So, I am also trying to figure out to still work on those issues and function.....*sigh* I work my butt off - to get what?? It's frustrating to watch these "younger kids" I work with just do whatever, collect HUGE income tax refunds because of their kids, run out to the boats - blow $$, and collect AFDC benefits because they're a single parent and don't make quite enough to support everyone in the house. I don't understand......argh!
Well, enough ranting for now.....I am probably talking to myself anyway.
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