Two steps back...but here I am

I had a moment yesterday, a moment of fear. I felt like everything that I have been working towards this past year was brought to a halt - in one moment! I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and just cower. What should feel good, hurts me. What is appropriate, scares me. I was praised for going further, yet, I was letting him down once again. The guilt just pours over me. Satan had won this battle, or so I thought and was willing to let happen. I felt my guards go up.  My "personal monster" was attacking me again. I am so close to getting  further away and it has such a hold...

After awhile, I got up and read some scriptures to prepare for my Bible study. I came across I John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

For me, this verse told me that I didn't have love, because of the fear I felt. That in particular, I didn't have God's love. When I showed Gene the verse and he read it. He explained to me, that we will never have God's perfect love. That we would not be perfect. That only Christ, our Lord, is perfect. I asked a few others on their perspective of the verse. Learning that if I am not walking with Christ, I cannot celebrate in his love for me. That I am allowing the fear to take over. The fears are lies that Satan is making sure I don't forget that past. I am so close to this stronghold being released in my life and apparently he doesn't want me to release it.

I attended my study last night, eager to hear something that would help. But, my guards were up, and I didn't want anyone in. I enjoy the ladies I meet with on Monday nights. I am fairly new to the group, as I didn't start the study with them - but soon found out that they were also working on Beth Moore's "Breaking Free". I was invited to join them in week 5. Although a wonderful group, I am reserved. Imagine that!?! I think because a lot of the ladies seem more versed in scripture and have attended the church for so long, so there are times I don't know how they will react with me. I know we all have our "demons" and "personal monsters" in our closets, but, when I see some of my own friends back away because of the unknown - I can only imagine what those I know less about would think. However, there is a sense of closeness that I feel when I am there. I know that is where He wants me at this moment in my life. Going to this church was a Godsend for me. I know it was He that directed me there.

So, my journey this morning has taken a few turns...good ones...and pondering ones. Here are some verses I encountered this morning during my study:

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM" - 2 Corinthians 3:17

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." - Psalm 62:1-2

"from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:15-21

My mirrors are covered with scripture that I hold dear to, and these will be added to whatever space is left. I want the Freedom that is being talked about, all over the New Testament, not just the one above. I think I am so afraid of what is on the other side of that, that I have yet to take that leap of faith. My pastor talked about "not quitting" this weekend during Sunday's sermon. I think if you would have seen me a year ago, you would think I was quitting. I wanted to. I desperately wanted to just die. However, in my journey in the last 12 months - I have decided - I don't want to quit. I am this close...Something my pastor shared "strengthen your grip, renew your effort, it is too soon to quit until you are 'thoroughly finished'"  How true. So, for me, it's saddle up my horse and get a move on! I want others to know I finished this race. I want my husband to be a part of this race with me. I know that he will be there with me - I want Jesus to stand by me as I go through this last leg of this part of my journey (not that I want him to leave afterwards). I know that I need him.

I do know that my soul only finds rest in Him. It's the only time I am not running around in circles. When I laid my head down to rest last night - I had taken my medicine, I read a little and I clutched my teddy bear just a little tighter. I could tell I still had my guard up, at least a little. My stomach was still hurting - but knowing that just two hours before, ladies prayed for me...my guard came down a little...and I know that they want me to know that peace that Jesus speaks about, the love that God has for me, and the strongholds that need to be broken.

I woke up this morning feeling better. I spent time off and on this morning in His word. Just soaking up the many verses that I came across. I revisited some of the "benefits" I have in knowing God...and one is "finding satisfaction in God" So true, I have to be able to be satisfied with his love and no other. I know it was the prayers that allowed me to have that rest last night. Rest that I didn't think I would get, due to my fears from earlier.

My "Ta-Dah" Moments

I just came off of the most exhilarating weekend (in a positive way) in a long time! I attended the Women of Faith Conference "Imagine" in Kansas City at the Sprint Center. As I stop to reflect on the weekend, there were so many questions that were posed to me from the different speakers. 

Here are some of those questions that were asked of me:

from speaker, Sheila Walsh - my favorite:

Sheila Walsh "Ta-Dah" Moments

- "Do I feel a need to control everything around me?" (OUCH!)

- "When something unexpected hits me, am I ruled by the anxiety in a storm or do I have peace and quietness?"

- "Do I ever feel a slight disconnect from God and others?"

- "Do I trust the person who has their hands on me?"

- "Who do I perceive as the real enemy in my life?"

- "When God doesn't answer the way my heart cries for Him, how does that affect how I feel about Him?"

- "What's my greatest nightmare?"

and from Luci Swindoll - a woman wise in her years....

Luci Swindoll - Living life differently

- "Where is my soul?" (very LOADED question, or so I thought)

These were just the questions posed to me...you can only imagine the questions I turned around and asked myself. Do you have those moments in church service, where you hadn't really intended on going to service that morning, or just had one of those "blah" days and wanted to stay curled up in bed? It's not that I unwillingly went to the conference, but God spoke to me this weekend, more than I could imagine - so much that I am still trying to process everything.

I have really struggled with just handing it over to God, no questions asked, and not asking for it back. It's been hard. During the first session, I listened to Sheila Walsh. She was amazing. She was real. I could literally listen to her for days on end. The first three sessions she spoke about dealt with trust. Hmm....yep, must have needed that one. She talked a little about forgiveness. She had this to say, "it's one thing to forgive, it's another thing to open up your heart and trust." WoW! I think even the forgiving part is just as hard. But to truly open up your heart and to let someone in is very hard. I think it's truly taken me this long to let my husband into my heart. It's been 10 years. But, we are just now getting to where we can have those tough conversations with each other; although, I still hold back at times -- but, I am getting better. I had been let down so many times in my life, that, the one person I really wanted to rely on - I thought he would hurt me, just like the others had done in the past. Even though, he was mine - mine to keep! Trust is built on experiences and it's a give and take for both parties. I was willing to take, but had not been able to give. Her final moment on that first session was the "the real enemy is the lack of trust in God." Is that ever so true. If I were to look at the "enemies" in my life....alcohol, drugs, negative family influences, and that I have allowed Satan to beat me down so much that I perceive my life not worth it. I can see where I have allowed the "enemies" to just filter into my life on a daily basis. 

Some of my "ta-dah" moments came in Sheila's second session Friday morning. Again, on trust :-) Imagine that, right? How many times have I prayed to God, only willing to bargain with Him, as long as He let me have my way? Way too many to count. She talked about the story of Lazarus when he was ill. Jesus was sent for to come and heal his friend who was sick. However, Jesus didn't leave right away; he left two days later. By that point, Lazarus had passed. me personally, I would have been hacked if my friend didn't come running when I was at my death bed. I am not sure if I would have understand. But, I wonder if Lazarus felt the same. His sisters were upset because Jesus came too late; he didn't come on their command. I can think of numerous times when God "messed" up my schedule...I had to move to Atlanta, GA (Jan 2008), then again (also in Nov 2008) to Chicago, IL in the middle of the winter...and then to return back to KC (Aug 2009). Or better yet, what about my job situation? I mean, how could He not find a teaching position for me? Or allow me to get into management on my terms? While instead, I should be asking God "speak to me" - what should I be looking at? listening to? I am learning I need to just pay attention - apparently, He has something in store for me. So, going back to another one of those questions posed to me - how do I feel when He doesn't answer my heart's cries? I am crushed. I feel like I deserved it! I feel like he's not listening to my heart. I get angry and frustrated. I question myself, I wonder what I did wrong. My favorite quote from the session was "the greatest act of worship is to kill our dreams, so that we will know the dreams of our Sovereign Lord." So, I am learning that just because I didn't get something right away, or maybe not at all - there's a purpose in my life (even if I don't know what it is). 

This weekend's verse was from Ephesians 3:20

Now to him who is able to immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us

Another verse that I have come across lately is I Corinthians 2:9-10

However, as it is written, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him; but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. 

So, God surpasses my dreams when I reach past my own personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and walk past the path He chose for me....I am hoping to remain patient enough to see what He has in store for me. 

One final note to end my weekend. this statement came from Karen James. She is the widow of Kelley James, Mt. Hood tragedy 2006. "We keep our secrets and our secrets keep us" When I stop to think what holds me back, or what has held me back this year - it was all the "secrets". It kept me in my own prison and it was horrible! God sometimes needs to take us to our own "prison" to be able to set us free. 

I am ready to be set free.