The past month has felt like a madhouse. I am not even sure what direction to turn. I have kept most of it bottled inside because of my position at work - working at being a professional and being consistent with it. I have people around me who seem to "have it altogether" and it's frustrating. I know that people are not perfect by any means, but at the same time - it sure seems like it.
I took on my new position at work and have many things to "fix" because it's now evident in areas that we weren't doing it correctly. So, now I have to step it up and enforce things and I feel like the "bad guy" - even though, I know in the end - we'll have the best results because of these changes. But, it's a tough position, but a good challenging one. I like the challenges, but sometimes feel like I am losing control.
Another area of feeling a loss of control has been my past and getting past this "one" area in my life. We have a crew member who works for us during the summer, who also has the same name as one of my uncles who abused me...I cringe every time I call his name and even when I have to write it out...and he's a great kid! That's how I know how this is the final step in getting past the past - this is the area that has the hold on me. But why? It's taken away so many things from me, some of the biggest areas - intimacy and being a true parent to someone that belongs to me. Today's verse was about "the Lord hears the desires of our heart..." - so, if I believe this, are these just not "true desires" of my heart? I have begun questioning myself on this...
This other area encompasses a few things - mostly our finances. We make good money for the average family...however, not entirely smart with it. My husband started his own business several years ago, unfortunately without good advice as to how to start it and run it correctly on the financial side of things. Because of this, taxes got behind, etc. Now, we're in a crazy situation with a substantial amount of debt, debt that some people find themselves in with credit cards, etc. No, we're in debt with the government, probably until I am dead. Because I have the "regular" job, they came after my check first (from the state of Missouri) - and started taking wages back in June. I have 180 days before they will stop that. After a few weeks, I have just gotten used to what they were taking. A new budget if you will. About two weeks ago, I had a personal visit from the IRS agent from the federal level. She talked with me about some papers she needed, etc. I gathered the papers, but wasn't able to get them to the offices in time. I delivered them the next day - unbeknownst to me, I was unaware that she would proceed with the next step, the very next morning. I was so upset and frustrated over it. They were due on Monday, I delivered on Tuesday morning first thing - (mind you, she was out of the office from Tues-this past Tues) - however, she left paperwork in place if we hadn't shown up on Monday. By Wednesday, she had levied my husband's check (which was for rent), and by Friday, apparently paperwork was sent to our bank to levy our bank accounts, including our "child's account" by Tuesday of this week, the levy went through (without us aware) - mind you, I blew up her business phone for three days straight trying to make contact, there's no one else to answer phones, the phone system there is so jacked! I literally cried in tears all the way home last night...I was so beside myself - that someone running in to me or me just putting my car into a wall barrier was one of many thoughts that crossed my mind last night. Not sure why I never went through it...but I didn't, but the thoughts just engulfed my mind constantly. I came home and just cried myself to sleep. This morning, my fears were confirmed, indeed it was a levy on my bank account. I couldn't do anything about my paycheck that is direct deposited on Friday (although, they are already taking 25% of that) and what was left was going to be snagged. In my eyes, I had nothing...I had bills to pay, and no means of paying them. I don't have family to turn to with these fears. It's not an option.
In my eyes, my only option was to just die.
I haven't been in that place in my life in a long time.
Someone asked me why I just don't "divorce" my husband - because it's his doing and he should have known better, etc. Granted he should have known, although I had question it on a few occasions, nothing was ever done about it. I am ANGRY with him, VERY ANGRY - but what can I do? To me, it's not grounds for divorce...I should have put my foot down a long time with this stuff.
I am angry with God, I am angry with him because I feel like he should have given me a stronger husband. Someone who was strong with their finances (I was never shown, as my family cheated every welfare, government agency, or anything with money my entire life) - someone who didn't have debt coming into our marriage (my only regret, not fixing debt before we were married, it would honestly be the 1st thing I would have changed) - I have a few friends who are married who have awesome spouses - doing something special on anniversaries, birthdays and "just because" - spouses who are great with their money, Godly, strong men...I have had a few close friends who've made comments that my husband and I are more "roommates" than a married couple - that we are so far apart, you wouldn't realize that we are married. I think sometimes he is right. I don't know how to fix it, I don't know if it can be fixed.
