Stages of Abuse

For those not already aware, I am working through a book study titled "The Wounded Heart". It's a biblical study that works through childhood sexual abuse for adults. Specifically, it says "hope for adult victims of childhood sexual abuse". The hope tells me that at some point in time, things are suppose to get better, however, I feel like that time will never reach me.

Before looking at the stages of abuse...there's 2 things that are evident in a home of a person who was/being abused -  1) the first, "is a sense of being enjoyed for who one is rather than for what one does", and 2) "is a respect for one's being that permits the opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other members of the family."  Then there's "Soul deadness" - a heart dulled to its own pain. Later on, I read about survival. "Survival requires fitting in, and to fit in means to live a life of torment. The experience of being profoundly used and let down by someone we trusted and relied on sears the hope that relationship can be purely enjoyed." Man, these last two statements just hit me like a rock! I feel like with the "soul deadness" - that just portrays me each day...there are days I swear, I am barely functional - for no rhyme or reason. I am just merely breathing. "Fitting in"? I constantly question myself as to where I belong. I have people who care about me, those who help me, etc. Yet, when there's other things going on or I "feel" left out, I question and make it a big deal - when I really shouldn't. Our neighbors help each other out. There's not one thing that I think that none of us wouldn't do for the other when it came right down to it. If it's within someone's means or range, we would take care of each other. Yet, I sometimes think that they can see right through me and see my secrets. Or, although they are joking around, sometimes comments said hit me hard...even though it's just guys being guys. Its uncomfortable. I know if I just say something they would stop. However, I don't want to ruin the "fun" everyone is having.

Stage 1: Development of Intimacy and Trust
It's the offer of relationship, intimacy, special privilege, and rewards. It can be viewed as the offer of water to a person dying of thirst. 


I think back in this stage to when I was about 12. Some of the special privileges I got was the mere fact, I was older. My next sibling from me was 7 or 8. So, there was only the four of us close in age; I was the only girl in that group. Two uncles above me, and 1 that was the same age as I. The oldest one was old enough to be driving, so that was a "big deal" at the time. The guys rode motorcycles and had a truck as well. So, to get away from my 6 siblings was a big treat at the time. I always got to ride along to the store to get cigarettes or something to drink. Of course, I sat right up front with everyone. I was a pretty cute kid at the time, skinny, blonde hair, blue eyes, and somewhat "tall" at the time...I also wasn't a "girly girl" either. I was fine with swimming in the lakes and walking through the woods with the best of them. As we got older, we were in school together, middle school/high school. We had the same friend groups as each older and hung out together quite a bit. For the longest time, you would think it was more of a sister/brother relationship - which I was commonly referred to as "lil sis" by the two oldest ones. It was never an uncle/niece relationship - ever. I worked with one of them for a few years. If we were just chilling out at home, we would all lay down on the couch or the floor and watch movies together. There was always some casual touching - feet playing, coincidently touched in the chest...what have you. I didn't think much of it at the times it would happen. Sometimes it would go further than just a quick touch. Those were times I would freeze up and just go numb and "check out". In my reading, someone describes this stage as the "glory days" - in some aspects, I can see it being described that way - because there were great times had by us...and then there are days - it would be nothing remotely close as describing as a "glorious day" in my life - it was mere torture!

Stage 2: Physical Contact that Appears Appropriate
beginning of physical and sensual bonding


Reading through this stage, it starts off by talking about how sexual and sensual are different from each other. Someone can get/give a hug and although it is an act of physical touch, it is not a sexual arousal - nor should it be. Hugs are safe for me -- most of the time. There were times that we would be on a long motorcycle ride (which I loved) and sometimes his hand would wander to the back of the bike and touch my legs or inner thigh area. I would get very scared and nervous, not to mention, there was not much I could do just because of the fact that we were on a bike and any sudden movement or jerk by the driver or rider could cause the bike to fall over. I experienced the same contact while we would be swimming in a lake, mostly because in lake water you can't tell what the other person is doing because the water is not as clear as pool water. As we got older, I sometimes used to see the one just above me in age, more of a "boyfriend" maybe that's where I got myself into trouble. He was a decent looking guy, he was polite with me. We were always together. We were always doing something. I let him start, his brother was already way ahead of him in that department. I am not sure if one knew about the other messing with me. We would stay up late at night and just talk. I could talk about my family "sucking" - I could talk about school, or a boyfriend or just whatever. I can see now the relationship that developed because of our closeness.

Stage 3: Sexual Abuse Proper
Sexual abuse occurs in a context of emptiness, confusion, and loneliness, a context that sets up the victim for a baffling interplay of betrayal, ambivalence, and powerlessness as the adult moves the victim from one stage of abuse to the next. Sexual abuse is the final blow that sabotages the soul in a climatic betrayal, mocking the enjoyment of relationship and pouring contempt on the thrill of passion. The nature of the relationship, especially degree of closeness (father vs. neighbor, brother vs sister), and degree of prior intimacy play a part in the extent of the damage. There are different levels of severity that intensify the damage of abuse. The tragedy of abuse is that the enjoyment of one's body becomes the basis of a hatred of one's soul. 


The last statement alone just intensifies how I feel right now. I can't enjoy being with my husband. I don't enjoy being with my husband. I have to make myself partake in any physical contact with him. Even if he just wants to hold hands, I automatically assume he wants more, even if he doesn't. That hurts him, and it just kills me, because I can't provide for him whatsoever. I feel like this marriage will never be fully consumated. This just angers me thinking about it.

These guys, my uncles, my friends - they took everything from me. They don't even have a clue how much I feel like I have lost out on because of it. And my family, they just don't get it altogether. How you can feel terror and arousal at the same time is beyond me. There were times it felt good. There were good feelings - WHY!?! They shouldn't have been touching me at any point! There were times I would pretend to be asleep, it didn't matter, they still tried. Then, the final blow came while I was still in high school. Going to a party with one of them - it was a weekend party - we had been drinking and partying since Friday. It was Saturday night, and for some reason we left the party - I think to get cigarettes or something, at least that was how I was told to go to the car. I don't even think we made it to a store. Instead, he parked that car underneath the Troost bridge behind a restaurant. I remember it being very dark. We started out by talking...and before I knew it, he wanted me to take my pants off. Eventually he was on top of me trying to force himself in. I was in such pure shock and terror trying to get him off me. He eventually got off me, but he wanted me to give him oral sex. It was the only time I felt threatened. I wasn't sure he would do had I not. Eventually, we went back to the party and then back home. I couldn't talk to him or look at him for weeks. I had blocked out that event until just a few months back. I never told a soul. I couldn't. I didn't know how, and thought I was to blame. He was drunk and I don't think he ever understood what he did to me that night to this day.

My stomach is hurting.

Stage 4: Threats and Privileges
The final stage of abuse is in many ways similar to the first stage: the development of intimacy and secrecy. Unlike the first stage, however, the glory days are gone forever. The abuser will use whatever leverage he or she can to instill loyalty and fear in the heart of the victim to ensure silence and compliance. 


I had my friends - "our" friends - I couldn't tell a soul. I thought he was the "leader" in this pack. For some reason, they always came to him, or so I thought. I thought, if I said something to someone, no one would believe me. They would excuse it because he was so drunk and just blow it off. Or treat it like my family did, just ignore it happened. I thought I would lose my friends. I don't remember him or his brother threatening me specifically, except for the time above that I just felt threatened by him. I had blocked out so much of the "worse" incident, that once again, we were hanging out with our friends, doing things at the house...etc., just like "old times". However, what I remember is that it destroyed my relationships with guys. Deep down, I couldn't do anything with any male...no matter how hard I tried.

To end this, a statement in the reading stood out to me - "Sexual abuse is the final blow that sabotages the soul in a climatic betrayal, mocking the enjoyment of relationship and pouring contempt on the thrill of passion"