A Constant Battle

The last few months I feel like I am constantly battling me, myself and I. There's so much that battles inside of me all the time. It's hard to stay focused and hard to stay positive. Outside of finances and work, the biggest battle lies within my own marriage. I was married ten years ago this past May. I feel like I am in a roommate situation, not a marriage. I blame a lot of it on me. I really struggle with this entire relationship. My best friend wrote a poem in our wedding card and I recently came across the card and the prayer he wrote on the back side of the card.

"The Marriage Song"

Two spirits come together

Two flesh become one

Two lives circle one another

God said it would be done

Two hearts that need one another

Two minds that work as one

Two bodies then brings another

God said it could be done

And then we set our passions up

And build the dreams that bind our way

With every turn in life we'll learn

That Jesus guides our way

Two faiths that lead one another

Two wills that yield

Two hopes that build one another

God as our strength and shield

Two friends that help one another

Two believers who pray

Two lovers that love one another

And God will direct our way

And we offer up our union to the building

of our faith to the sharing of our faith

in Jesus Christ, and to Glorify our King

For in this marriage of two believers

will take three to bind our way

LER

As I read through this poem, I realize I have never become one with my husband and struggle to do so. Not only physically one, but emotionally as one. I have felt myself pulling further away from this relationship. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be held. Yet, he's not an abusive man, he's not mean to me...nothing. I find myself closer to the edge of our bed. I snuggle tightly with my teddy bear, instead of him. I flinch when he touches me and feel horrible on the inside. I cringe and want to crawl into a shell and just cry. I don't understand. I don't want him touching me. 

I am constantly arguing and fighting with him. The more I think about it, I blame myself. I get agitated at small stuff and bicker about it. I blame him for our finances. I think he's more responsible for our situation, even though we both have a share in our finances. I think are things that I deserve. I was upset on mother's day, because I have helped provide for his daughter through the last 11 years, yet, when it comes to Mother's Day; it goes by the wayside and "nothing". Anniversaries and birthdays come and go, and nothing special. This last year was our 10th - we did nothing, once again. However, I hear about the really neat things that some of my friends and their spouses and some of the special things that they are doing for their anniversaries. It's frustrating. 

I watch relationships of some of my friends and just watch how they react and respond to one another. The love they show towards one another. The laughter, the fun they have...why can't I allow myself to have the same?!?! I often wonder, maybe I am not wanting this from him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be....ever. I struggle sharing this with him, I don't want to hurt him. I realize I already do hurt him. I am not trying to. 

I am asking for prayers. 

* That I can enjoy my marriage and find happiness with the way God intended

* to enjoy "snuggling" with my husband, to feel okay when he is caressing me

* to overlook the negative and enjoy time spent with my husband

* to focus on a strong, bonding marriage

* to allow me to love myself