Forgiveness - The Next Step of Healing

I spent some time this week with my pastor discussing my first assignment - The Abuse. In the midst of our discussion, he introduced my next assignment...forgiveness, of myself. I wasn't sure if I could complete this next step and definitely not sure as to "how". 


He asked me my definition for forgiveness. I told him that I felt like it was forgetting what happened or to just look past the wrongdoings of someone else. He said that is exactly what forgiveness is. I was stuck on the "forgetting part". I thought, how can I get past this point? I know that this has been the biggest road block in my life and thus has kept me from moving forward. 


I have been reading a lot of verses in the Bible about forgiveness. The Bible defines forgiveness as a "pardon" - this would be like a judge pardoning us for our crimes and saying you can leave prison and that your "time" has been settled. Why doesn't it seem as easy for situations like this? 


Someone talked about writing an inventory about the wrongs that I am holding out on. So let's see...what I am holding on to:


1 - Shame 
2 - Making me feel pleasure in the act
3 - Hatred inside me causing me to hate life and wishing to die
4 - the hold it has on me
5 - lack of building strong relationships with people, lack of trust, 
6 - nightmares
7 - fear of having a physical, sexual relationship with my husband
8- having my own child


These are things that I believe are holding me back or constantly come up when I try to get beyond and make attempts at healing. I think that is what they are too - "attempts" - as valid as they are, I think this time it is more determined than ever before. While in church yesterday morning, I truly felt this. There was a verse that I have heard so many times while in college, after college, etc. It is a verse that I want to hold onto during this time of healing. 

Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV)

Pressing on Toward the Goal

 ¹²Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

The verse just really hit a nerve and stuck to me. I really want to forget the past and move on. I know the ways that I am using to "forget" what's happened is not solving anything and is definitely not making it better and is definitely not moving me any closer to healing. 

Am I ready for this? I think so. 

Dear God,

I know that this has been a long time coming and has been in limbo for years. I believe I am ready to forgive myself for feeling the guilt and shame caused by someone else's sins and not of my own. I want to move on and regain my life back from Sam and Rocky. I want to make a new, fruitful life with my husband. I want to sleep next to my husband and be able to comfort him without the triggers happening that causes me to slip back. I want to allow myself to enjoy being with my husband and not thinking it is wrong. I want to enjoy life. I want to be happy and have a positive outlook with things. I want to make the relationship with you and I stronger. Yes,I am committing to that. I know that I have many friends who want what is best for me and is willing to help me travel through this journey. They are praying for me. I am working on the praying myself. I have been reading your Word the last several days and it has really spoken to me a great deal. Just like in worship yesterday with a new song we were learning - "if my God is with me, then who can ever stop me; if my God is for me, then who can stand against me" - so, therefore, I am asking forgiveness of myself in the sins that I committed trying to forget the past and for forgiveness of myself for the guilt and the shame and all the other feelings that I have had. 

Amen. 

I am ready to move on.