A New Journey Begins...

13 days ago, the divorce was settled in court.
13 days ago, I began a new journey, or as someone recently said, "A New Chapter" in my book of life.

It took 11 days to finally just CRY.
And Feel - sadness, anger, anxiety, more anger, and a release...
And accept the fate of the previous chapter in my journey.

I have had so much anxiety inside of my these past few weeks and honestly just not sure where to start with everything. Lots of emotions running through me - and trying to sort out what's "real" and what is just a "reaction" of everything else.

The nightmares haven't returned...yet. I am nervous for this part.

If you would have told me 16 years ago that I would be getting a divorce - I would have called you a LIAR. I don't believe in it. It should be for better or for worse...but the worse was literally killing me. I've tried to think back to where I made the mistake - I am sure that there is a part that I am guilty of in this former relationship. We all have our parts - good or bad - in every situation. I can think of the one thing that really ended the relationship, that I am responsible for. It was the same reason why the only other relationship I've had, also ended...the physical intimacy part. I mean, let's be honest, it's necessary in a relationship. But, I couldn't get past the trauma of my younger years to get past this in any relationship I've had - which is only 2. And when you're struggling in this area, it opens up several cans of worms. I see others that have been in a similar predicament and just "move on" without angst - so, why can't I do the same? Why do I have such a block in this area of my life? It's not fair.

I lost out on many dreams because of this hold on my life. And, I don't want to lose anymore.

How do I move onto this next chapter in my journey? I know I want to be with someone - I really don't think I am supposed to be alone. However, I am scared as hell. I find myself liking a person of interest. I was even bold enough to share that with him recently. I figure, what do I have to lose?!? After expressing those feelings, I thought to myself - "what am I doing?" I don't think I could do this again. This person is also working on his own journey (through no fault of his own). I definitely don't want him to get hurt - he's good natured, kind, funny, thoughtful and I love just talking with him - just in my observations of him in the past year. I didn't put much thought into it, until recently. Sort of caught me by surprise.

In the same breath though, it scares the crap out of me. To my knowledge, he is unaware of my past. You would think it wouldn't matter - or that it shouldn't. But, in my case - it's everything! Somehow it always comes back around. Wish I could be that person who could just walk away from the past and move on. Instead it's in front of me EVERY SINGLE DAY!

It's been so easy to just drown my thoughts into my running and into music. However, it's catching up with me. It's time to face the issue - it's time to take back my life - it's time stop being so frightened when "He" calls, or when I see a picture of "Him". I immediately go into a panic mode and it's horrible. It's just enough to push me onto the edge.....and I am tired of fighting it.

I am ready to write a new "Chapter" in MY BOOK!