The Empty Chair

I had an assignment from my therapist: To write a letter to my abuser, but I would be reading this letter to an empty chair. It is a technique used to get your feelings out, but not necessarily to that person directly, it's merely there for emotions.

I completed the letter, well 90% of it before I went to my appointment. I thought that was considered successful, considering I had to stop 3-4 times while writing it this week. The emotions stirred created a little havoc this week. While i didn't have nightmares, I did have some rough nights of lack of sleeping without waking up multiple times. I had to read this letter "to the chair" this afternoon. I was about as prepared as I was going to be. I was a little nervous, but my counselor assured me I was ready for this step.

Here is my letter:

Dear Rocky,

As I write this letter to you as I have many times before. I can't help but wonder all the things you took from me. You think I should just leave the past alone and not do anything about it - "letting sleeping dogs lie". I wish I could. I wish I could just walk away from it all. But when the emotions come at me, I am not able to walk away from the memories you left me with. When I just needed a friend, you took advantage of it. You knew I had struggles with my family and used that to your advantage. Being the oldest, I always had to watch after the little kids. I took anything as an out. I willingly went with you or Sam, knowing that there was a possibility of you guys crossing the lines with me. 

I don't understand how you can't accept responsibility in this? Which leads me to only blame myself. And then you have your wife ask me why I am upset with you, because you don't understand why? Duh! Why do you think I'm angry? You took away so much from my. My childhood - which was already shit, my innocence and the emotions to feel loved in an intimate way. I cringe when my emotions are impacted by a simple touch, a smell of beer or cologne someone has on. When I am touched, my body immediately freezes - because I am not sure what's going to happen next. If it's something that starts to feel good, I immediately panic and freeze up. I don't even know how to respond. 

I think the night that angered me the most was the night we left from a party at Billy's house and went to the store to get cigarettes. You had been drinking (a lot) and so had I. On the way back from the store you pulled in down behind Stroud's Restaurant in the parking lot under the Troost Bridge. You parked the car and I think initially we just talked, but eventually you started to touch me. I felt trapped in the car. You asked me to give you a blowjob, and you started to unbutton your jeans. I remember getting upset and saying NO multiple times to you. Then since I wouldn't do that, you made me lay down on the front seat in the car and you proceeded to pull my pants down and you pulled your's down too and spread open my legs and proceeded to force yourself inside of me. You wouldn't stop, even I told you NO several times. You kept trying to force yourself inside of me. I couldn't hardly move, I was so scared and just felt trapped and stuck. You wouldn't get off me. I was crying, upset and you didn't give a shit about any of what I was feeling. Finally, I was able to push you off me. You stopped. I'm not sure if you realized who you were with and what you were doing. I was so upset and angry. We drove back to Billy's house and I was crying. I can't even remember if anyone asked what happened. Later on we drove back to Grandma's house. I went straight to bed. I wanted to block everything out and just be done. I HATED YOU! I was angry. Grandma Ardis couldn't even figure out why I was so angry with you. It was after this point out relationship changed. I no longer wanted to be alone, near you. When we did go to Billy's house, I slept behind Craig -- and used him as my protector. If you came near me - I hit behind him. You always acted if there was nothing wrong; like you couldn't remember any of it. I learned to block it out - but realized I started having nightmares again. Because of what you did, I could never bring myself intimate with Wes. Heck, when I got married, I couldn't ever break through that barrier with my, now, (ex-) Husband. 

When my divorce was finalized this summer, one of the first things that I thought about was the fact, that in my life I have been in two serious relationships. Both relationships ended because I couldn't be "intimate" with the other person, definitely how I seen it anyways. I really thought that both of my relationships ended because of that and blamed myself for everything!!!!.

This journey is a process. Apparently, I was calm as I read the letter (my therapist was off to the side, just in case something went wrong with me) and very direct, very emotional and tears were shed. It's progress, because when this came to light last January, I was a WRECK! Nightmares galore! I was so ANGRY! I will continue this process until I basically wear out my own emotions that are tied to them.

Afterwards, the feelings and emotions of this letter were "placed" into a containment box. One that has a lock and cannot be accessed. I felt better. I was still very nervous. But, better.