Hidden Chaos

It's been just over a year since I have written anything...and so much has happened in this past year.

Anger
Resentment
Abandonment
Rejection
Powerless
Frustration
Fear

So many feelings, so many frustrations and unanswered questions that just keep a constant within my mind. I go from one extreme to the next - from feeling complete helplessness to an overwhelming anxiousness. Many want to help me "fix it" - yet, I don't think it can be "fixed". It's so hard to pretend nothing is wrong and to just be happy. I've allowed the littlest things to antagonize the situation.

I hit things when I get angry - not the smartest idea...but it was better than other opportunities that crossed my path. I am trying to refocus my anger and negative energy through better avenues. I know better. I know my previous responses didn't change anything and only hurt me more as the end result.

So, I have to face the turmoil that is tearing me up inside. This is not going to be an easy battle. I can only hope it doesn't kill me first. I have tried facing this so many times before and to no avail, have never come out on top. It's only made things worse. Friends try to help, but it's hard to let them in to everything that is going on. They know about the pending divorce, they're aware that I have a lot of anger built up inside - but they don't realize the extent of that anger. Upon the recommendation of a good friend/colleague I decided to start seeing a counselor again. Within the initial visit, she had already suggested a book to begin working through, "The Courage to Heal". I knew this book and I knew that I couldn't get past it the first time and was not looking forward to this journey. The anxious feelings, sleepless nights and nightmares were already starting back up. Within two visits, she realized that this was too quick, too soon. A few years back when the nightmares came back during a very rough summer, I was diagnosed with PTSD.

At the time of that diagnosis, I wasn't sure what to think about it. I only thought that came with servicemen who were involved with war zones, etc. However, I am quickly learning that the symptoms that follow with someone who has PTSD is exactly the description of the traumatic events and their impact in my life. So, instead of working through the book above, she has me working through the beginning stages in a PTSD workbook - starting with finding a safe place and trust - two of my non-favorite things. I start to answer the questions through these exercises and I find myself so lost in the midst of them. The last few nights, I have found myself locking my bedroom door, and surrounding myself with my stuffed animal and my dog - with hopes that they will "protect" me, so to speak. I hate going to sleep, because I fear of the nightmares starting up again. So, I am constantly waking up through the night again. UGH! I don't understand why this has such a hold on my life, I wonder if there is something that happened that I blocked out so deep, besides the things I remember. I just can't fathom that the events that I remember could have such a deep scar in my life. When I was in college and struggled going to sleep at night, a friend used to read to me until I went to sleep and would just stay with me while I slept. For some reason, I felt safe at the time. However, couldn't do that forever, right?

While this is going on in the inside, I have to be a professional adult on the outside and seemingly act normal. It is so hard. Some days I just want to run away and cry in a corner, other days I seemingly function - it's like a fricken' yo-yo bobbing up and down.

I am tired.

I hate feeling like a yo-yo.

I am tired of fighting.