Chasing Life

The title pretty much sums up how I feel right now. "Chasing Life"

When your days blend in with each other, sleep is non-existent, and your days pretty much seem like a blur...it's time to take a different path. 

I realized after my last post where my initial trigger could have been...it was before the little girl's murder, it was before the jacked up phone call I had...it was a few weeks back. I was informed that I would be getting a former student, again, in my room. 

I am sad to say I am creeped out by this student. It's one thing to have a personality conflict with a student, but this feeling was stretched out beyond that point. 

It sucks!

I am supposed to be the adult in the situation, the professional, yet, I am only human, right? 

I opted not to say anything, what could I have done anyways? I would have had to give a good reason for it not to happen. But, in my line of work, you don't always have those options. It wasn't like I could rush up the people in charge and say...no way in hell. It doesn't work that way. I also don't work for an ogre either. I had simply chosen not to say anything. Even my closest colleagues weren't aware of why my feelings were against this decision. 

Now, this student hasn't done anything to me recently, but the pit of my stomach just drops when he nears. It's that same feeling that you feel when it's something bad, and you know it, but no one has confirmed it yet, kind of feeling. It's a feeling I have every morning. 

I learned something last week, that I had to confront some of those demons in order for me to move forward. While I didn't run to my Bible, I didn't run to a bottle either. I wanted so bad to forget the past couple of weeks (even years of built up demons) and the feelings that continued to build and linger in my daily life. I drowned my entire week with loud music (old "hairband" rock, occasional country and then a little praise and worship...)  - Great balance, huh? I just wanted to drown out any feeling I had. I could have probably went and ran a half marathon, without any current training, with the amount of built up anger and frustration I had inside of me. Yet I would have nightmares each night that intertwined with fears of my past and fears for my students. No wonder I couldn't sleep. Madness. 

I am still trying to make sense of everything. I want to understand why I've held onto this stronghold beyond it's expiration date. It's already taken up too much space and needs to just remove itself. 

A good friend and former colleague of mine shared this tonight...and it speaks for itself. 

"When you are tempted, the devil is revealing something - a part of his plan to you. Be aware of this and use it to your advantage. He could be revealing previous hurt that is unresolved, a weak spot in your character, generational sin where he has a foothold or he simply might be trying to wedge in between your armor. But regardless of exactly what it is - he has revealed himself and now you can fight. An enemy that is not seen is very difficult to defeat..."

I guess it's time to fight.