A Can of Worms

So, here it is....a day that I have often prayed would come, and now that it's here - I'm not sure if I am ready to "walk through" it.

Yesterday, I had the opening shift at work - shortly after arriving to work, my cell phone goes off. It's my mom calling. I don't generally have my phone in a visible spot at work, or carry it on myself, unless it's a closing shift. It was a fluke I was in the office when the call came in. When I answered the phone, she was crying and upset on the other end. She wanted me to come and get her, that she needed to go to the hospital - she couldn't do it anymore. I didn't know what to do. Not that I didn't want to help her - it was something I had always hoped she would do -- want help, and I wanted to be there when it happened; but, I have to also take care of myself and my family. Some people would think that is selfish. In fact, today, I was informed that I was a shitty big sister and not there when I needed to be.

People that I have come into contact with over the years - those that are not as close to me as others - have never understood why it is that I have "steered clear" of my "family". I had to leave, to maintain my own sanity. I couldn't live that way anymore - I couldn't do that to my "kids" and I sure as heck wasn't putting my husband through it. Maybe I stayed away because of embarrassment, maybe it was fear that I would be "just like them", or, I don't know why. I learned though, through a dear friend in college, that I needed to take care of "me" and if I didn't do that, he said, I would never be able to help anyone else - regardless who it was.

I have traveled my own journey of my family's past. It was hard. It still is. It still affects me now. It took years to forgive my mom for leaving me at the neighbor's when I was nearly 8, and not returning for years. It took time to forgive her for making more mistakes, thus leaving us in foster care again when I was 14. It took time to forgive her for not being there - a game, a school event, a track meet, anything I was involved in. It still hurts knowing how my wedding day went - fighting with my step-dad, and then not coming to my reception - blaming me. What I know is that becoming sober myself and walking through "fire" with a lot of issues that I have dealt with - I know what opening "a can of worms" can do to a person.

My mom has decided after 30+ years of being unhappy and "solving" her problems the wrong way, it is time to get better. My mom has depression (as does many of our family) and with that comes the hateful, mean person that she can be when she's not on her medication. She wants to die, she hates everyone, and assumes that no one loves her, etc. On top of that, my mom has smoked marijuana for the past 12 years that I am aware of, and apparently much more when she was younger. But in the last several years, it's interfered with any sort of "relationship" that I have wanted with her. It's hurt me so much, because I knew I couldn't do anything for her. She had to make that decision. It's been horrible watching her be this way. She spent 25 years with a man (my step-dad) - he didn't always make her happy, he was a drunk. He was emotionally abusive to her, to me, and anyone else that was a "step-child" in the family. He put us all through hell in one way or another. He finally succeeded in suicide (many attempts through our childhood), by blowing up the house, and taking everything with it in 2000. I thought, things will get better for her. Instead, things got worse. WOW! Did they ever get worse. I reached a point, I had to distance myself from her. I couldn't handle it, and definitely didn't know how to "fix" it. At the same time, I reached a point in my life (remember, I just got married) and it opened up a "can of worms" in my life, that I still deal with daily.

I am eager to see my mom get better, and hope that this will get better. This is the first time I can ever remember my mom asking for help. It's the first step, right? However, this is what I fear right now. Today, one of my sister's tried to go and see her. She talked to her on the phone, and learned mom hadn't eaten today. When she asked the nurse about that, the nurse simply told my sister, that my mom must have chosen not to eat, because it was available all day. Now, I love my sisters dearly, however, they have never "opened" their can of worms. They have just avoided it. They don't realize what mom is getting ready to go into. It will get ugly before it gets better. My mom has nearly 60 years of "stuff" tucked into those joints she's been smoking. She has buried so many things, so deep - I don't even know if she knows what end is up right now.

I have also realized that what I haven't dealt with up until this point, is about to look me square into the eye and come at full swing. I hope that I am prepared for it. I am nervous and scared at the same time. It's exhausting.