Two steps back...but here I am

I had a moment yesterday, a moment of fear. I felt like everything that I have been working towards this past year was brought to a halt - in one moment! I wanted to curl up into a fetal position and just cower. What should feel good, hurts me. What is appropriate, scares me. I was praised for going further, yet, I was letting him down once again. The guilt just pours over me. Satan had won this battle, or so I thought and was willing to let happen. I felt my guards go up.  My "personal monster" was attacking me again. I am so close to getting  further away and it has such a hold...

After awhile, I got up and read some scriptures to prepare for my Bible study. I came across I John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

For me, this verse told me that I didn't have love, because of the fear I felt. That in particular, I didn't have God's love. When I showed Gene the verse and he read it. He explained to me, that we will never have God's perfect love. That we would not be perfect. That only Christ, our Lord, is perfect. I asked a few others on their perspective of the verse. Learning that if I am not walking with Christ, I cannot celebrate in his love for me. That I am allowing the fear to take over. The fears are lies that Satan is making sure I don't forget that past. I am so close to this stronghold being released in my life and apparently he doesn't want me to release it.

I attended my study last night, eager to hear something that would help. But, my guards were up, and I didn't want anyone in. I enjoy the ladies I meet with on Monday nights. I am fairly new to the group, as I didn't start the study with them - but soon found out that they were also working on Beth Moore's "Breaking Free". I was invited to join them in week 5. Although a wonderful group, I am reserved. Imagine that!?! I think because a lot of the ladies seem more versed in scripture and have attended the church for so long, so there are times I don't know how they will react with me. I know we all have our "demons" and "personal monsters" in our closets, but, when I see some of my own friends back away because of the unknown - I can only imagine what those I know less about would think. However, there is a sense of closeness that I feel when I am there. I know that is where He wants me at this moment in my life. Going to this church was a Godsend for me. I know it was He that directed me there.

So, my journey this morning has taken a few turns...good ones...and pondering ones. Here are some verses I encountered this morning during my study:

"Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is FREEDOM" - 2 Corinthians 3:17

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken." - Psalm 62:1-2

"from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:15-21

My mirrors are covered with scripture that I hold dear to, and these will be added to whatever space is left. I want the Freedom that is being talked about, all over the New Testament, not just the one above. I think I am so afraid of what is on the other side of that, that I have yet to take that leap of faith. My pastor talked about "not quitting" this weekend during Sunday's sermon. I think if you would have seen me a year ago, you would think I was quitting. I wanted to. I desperately wanted to just die. However, in my journey in the last 12 months - I have decided - I don't want to quit. I am this close...Something my pastor shared "strengthen your grip, renew your effort, it is too soon to quit until you are 'thoroughly finished'"  How true. So, for me, it's saddle up my horse and get a move on! I want others to know I finished this race. I want my husband to be a part of this race with me. I know that he will be there with me - I want Jesus to stand by me as I go through this last leg of this part of my journey (not that I want him to leave afterwards). I know that I need him.

I do know that my soul only finds rest in Him. It's the only time I am not running around in circles. When I laid my head down to rest last night - I had taken my medicine, I read a little and I clutched my teddy bear just a little tighter. I could tell I still had my guard up, at least a little. My stomach was still hurting - but knowing that just two hours before, ladies prayed for me...my guard came down a little...and I know that they want me to know that peace that Jesus speaks about, the love that God has for me, and the strongholds that need to be broken.

I woke up this morning feeling better. I spent time off and on this morning in His word. Just soaking up the many verses that I came across. I revisited some of the "benefits" I have in knowing God...and one is "finding satisfaction in God" So true, I have to be able to be satisfied with his love and no other. I know it was the prayers that allowed me to have that rest last night. Rest that I didn't think I would get, due to my fears from earlier.